What I hate

I haven't blogged for a long time. I make New Year's resolutions to blog for a minimum of 3x a week and that scenario never occurs.

Right now, it is unbearably hot and humid in NJ. This afternoon, my car's thermometer showed the outside temperature as being 100 degrees. It's so hot that I wore a bathing suit coverup (strapless, short cotton "dress") as pajamas last night. This morning, when I took the trash out, I donned that same coverup and probably looked like I was only wearing a bath towel. Don't care.

This hot weather puts me into a mood where, like the cats, I just want to lie on the cold, hardwood floor and fall asleep. On a day like today, I feel that it is perfect to get back into blogging with a "what I hate" post. I feel like I have done the "what I hate" posts before in order to re-surge my writing.

Without further delay, here's what I hate:

1. When people tag themselves at places like the chiropractor or dermatologist. Really, do I need to know that you're getting your spine re-aligned or that you are having a full body mole check? Actually, tagging in general pisses me off. It seems to solely exist so people can be like, "Look at me! Look at me!" (which could basically be stated as the purpose for all social media).

2. Nickelback. Their songs are either cheesy ("If Today Was Your Last Day") or attempts at sex-inducing anthems ("Animals," "S.E.X.," "Something In Your Mouth"). No matter what the hell Chad Kroeger does to his hair he is not sexy and that band's songs are pathetic. The same people who like Nickelback seem to also enjoy Halestorm and Puddle of Mudd. I hate those bands too.

3. When people post photos of their manicures....

4. When people are assholes and/or do not academically motivate themselves but can somehow get a decent job because of family connections. I think of former students who were dreadful (both in terms of academics and human decency). If Mommy or Daddy owned a business, those kids had it made in terms of future jobs. That pisses me off.

5. McMansions. Fucking tacky. Yes, I wish I had as much money as some of those homeowners have, but no, I would not want to own a McMansion. I secretly hope that people in homes like those end up foreclosing and moving into (gasp) three bedroom ranches. For the record, I live in a three bedroom ranch. It's all the space I need.

6. The pronunciation error of "li-berry."

7. When people use tons of exclamation points in online posts.

8. People who own shore houses. I currently own about 3% of my house. I can't imagine owning a "regular" house and a shore house. #8 is not really something I hate; it's something of which I am jealous.

A reason to lose weight that never crossed my mind

I just finished looking through a bunch of photos from the past few years. It's amazing how my face seems to change from photo to photo. In certain photographs, I definitely have the ability to resemble a chipmunk. In other photos, my legs look chubby. They remind me of my mother's legs. That, in effect, then reminds me of my mother's walk--- moreso a wobble. I don't ever want to be a wobbler.

I can truly say that for nearly half of my life, I have been aware of my eating and exercise habits. "The wedding miracle" occurred in 2008. I ate tons of Fiber One bars and went to the gym a reasonable 4x a week. For my wedding, I got down to my lowest weight in years.  The fact that the number was 152 is laughable, but for me, I felt svelte and skinny.

Over the past few years, I've struggled with the number on the scale. That struggle coincides with our purchase of our first home. I blame stress and cortisol on the fact that the number has not budged. The lowest I've been in years is 164.

I've wanted to lose weight for various reasons. My health is important to me, but so is fitting into the many pairs of pants in my closet. Vanity is another reason. Many of us do not want to openly admit it, but I will. i want to lose weight so that I "look" better.

One weight loss reason that has never crossed my mind is preferential treatment. What I mean by that is the idea that if one is thinner then he/she will be treated better at work and just in everyday circumstances. Some might argue that "attractive people" get treated better because perhaps they have higher self-esteem than us frumpy people. That's bullshit. Attractive, thin people get treated better because that's how life. I'm sure there is some conquest/sexuality factor too.

The point is this... it dawned on me the other day. I think I want to lose weight so that I get treated better. Currently, I'm not being mistreated by people nor do I feel "downtrodden." I'd just like to see how people treat me better. Again, if I did this "experiment" and found that people did indeed treat me better, people would analyze the experiment and say my self-esteem improved and that is why it "seems" people are treating me better. Again, bullshit.

I found this great blog post that relates to this post's topic:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12360/what-losing-100-pounds-taught-me-about-how-we-treat-overweight-people.html

Google "are thinner people treated better" and there are tons of search results. It's definitely a phenomenon.

I've been eating crazy healthy and have been keeping up with gym workouts. I'm sitting here, craving leftover Valentine's Day candy, but instead will just drink water and lemon.

Social experiment...in progress. 

Things that I loathe about my gender...

Today, John commented to me, "I think we get along so well because although there are parts of you that are 'girly,' you essentially dislike the same things about women that I dislike."

This comment was the effect of a conversation we had about various female quirks that I loathe. To me, the thing I detest most about my gender is how we obsess over discussions of weight and negative body imagine. This was extremely apparent yesterday. I went to the movies to see 50 Shades of Grey. Yes, I'm fully aware of the film's controversy. I'm not sure I fully understand claims of the film focusing on rape or manipulation. Although Anastasia, the protagonist, is wary of Christian's Grey's interests, she consents to participating with Christian. At the end of the film, (spoiler alert), she no longer agrees with Christian's proclivities and therefore leaves him.

Okay, so film discussion aside...there were several women behind me who were talking before the movie started. There were four of them, but the one who talked the most said the things that irritated me the most. Some of her comments included the following: "I avoid carbs. And sugars. Foods need less than 10 grams of sugar for me to have them. If sugar is double digits, then the proteins must be double digits too... When I buy bathing suits, it's a pain. I need bandeau tops, but then I need boy shorts to cover my belly. My belly is so big...." There were other comments, but they luckily disappeared from my memory.

I don't want to assume or prejudge, but I doubt that men spend time discussing about how they dislike their bodies. They might talk about protein intake and increasing musculature, but I don't think there is any body shaming.

Many women spend time in conversations discussing carbs, gluten, Weight Watchers, juicing, etc. It needs to stop. There's enough people out there who have a prejudice toward women. We don't need to have a prejudice toward ourselves.

I don't understand it. I've been "overweight" (according to traditional health guidelines like BMI charts) for most of my life. Do I ever spend time reading and/or discussing health or weight loss? Yes. If I had to calculate a percentage, it would be that no more than 5% of my life is focused on that aspect of me. Furthermore, I'm more likely to read things independently and take in the information than discuss them with a friend.

By no means do I consider myself an optimist, but my gender needs to spend more time focusing on positive elements of life. Other things that many females do also irritate me... saving them for another post. 

What I hate

I know that one of the guidelines for contentedness is to avoid complaining or making negative statements. Since I am aware of that tenet, I think it is acceptable for me to rant about things I detest. Also, I haven't blogged for awhile. It's significantly easier to get back into my  blogging routine if I just can post about things I loathe (for the first entry, at least):

1. Those home-made, overly cut muscle tees that guys wear at the gym--- generally, the guys who wear these are not in tip-top shape. You don't have to be perfect, but when you wear those muscle tees, there is an emphasis of focus on one area---it better look fucking good.

2. The whole black leggings, Ugg boots, and black North Face jackets look--- I know that this look has been in style for ages, but I think it is stupid. You're basically saying to the world, "I'm lazy, but I'm also wearing an outfit that has a MSRP of over $200.00. I also hate when brand names are visible.

3. Those inflatable lawn decorations for the holidays---I think they're tacky (and this is coming from someone who loves all things Lisa Frank). One of my neighbors has one that is a giant yellow rubber duckie with a Santa hat. That's fucking weird. It reminds me some of the set decorations from Batman Returns. Okay, now that I Googled that image, I've decided it is more than weird; it is incredibly creepy.


4. The length of football games-- The constant stopping of the clocks--I can't stand it. John says that if the refs did not constantly stop the clocks, then players would be dead. There have to be modifications to the game that could result in less time AND less possibilities of death.

5. Rachael Ray--I'm not the only one either. If you Google "I hate Rachael Ray," you'll definitely get many results. I hate the sound of her voice; she sounds like the stereotype people in other parts of the U.S. imagine when they think of East Coasters. I hate that she has made millions of dollars on the concept of cooking simply. I do that on an everyday basis. Toss some olive oil (not EVOO), chicken, veggies, and rice into a pan and, bam, you have a meal.

6. Holiday traffic--- NJ already has enough traffic as it is, but the situation is exacerbated during the holiday months. Even at 10pm, you can sit on a highway and see a stream of red taillights. I live here because of John and his family. If I was still single, I'd like to think that I'd be setting out for a less populous state.

That's about it for now. Honestly, there are definitely far more things that I like than things I detest. This post was a good way to get back into blogging though. 

Toilet phobia

So I googled "toilet phobia." I googled it because I, for many years of my life, actually did have a slight fear of using bathrooms. After googling, I was expecting a search result that would be a single word which would mean "fear of using bathrooms." I found out that the issue is far more complex.

http://www.outlooksw.co.uk/sites/default/files/images/resources/Toilet%20Phobia%20download.pdf

Apparently, fears associated with toilets involve the following: not being able to urinate etc., fear of being too far from the toilet (what does that even mean? women are literally sitting ON it and men have that lovely option too), fear of using public toilets, and fear that others may be watching/scrutinizing/listening. Toilet phobias can be related to social phobias, panic disorders, and OCD.

I guess my bathroom fear could connected to panic disorder. I didn't use meds or anything to surpass my fear; I simply turned off the light.

My bathroom fear could be pinpointed right around the time my father passed away. I was six years old and, as with most children, couldn't really understand the whole concept of death. My father was staying with my grandparents at the time in which he passed away. This made the whole concept even more foggy. He was at our house one day and then, another day, he was completed gone from the earth.

During the funeral ceremony, or at some point shortly after, I recall someone telling me, "Don't worry. Your daddy will always be watching over you, no matter what."

Those words needed to be realigned because, honestly, they screwed me up for about 10 years of my life.

Wait, my father is ALWAYS going to be watching me???!?

So began the two step process of using bathrooms.  Step one involved making sure that the shades were down (what if he was flying around like spirits are apt to do and flew past the window) and step two involved turning off the light switch. If he was always watching me, I figured I'd make it less obvious by turning off the light.

I realize that the above logic and procedure is completely screwed up. Kids, however, take words on a very literal level. I took those words, no matter how comforting they were supposed to be, and completely distorted them.

As an adult, I've gotten over turning off the lights in a bathroom. I still pull down the shade because having it up just seems incredibly weird. I also get a little nervous about the slight cracks between the stalls of public bathrooms. If I have a hooded sweatshirt, I'll take it off and hang it on the hook inside of the stall. I then will hope that the cotton will somehow magically drape itself over that crack.

Okay...so I guess I still have some issues to resolve.

"It ain't a hobby, it's a job"

John and I have always done things slowly. It took us eight years before we got married. It took him a long time to graduate college; then, it took him even longer to go back and get a degree in a true passion. Even simple tasks are done slowly, especially by me. I'll take one item out at a time and place it on the conveyor belt at a cash register. I'm sure this irks people. I don't care.

When John was getting his B.S. (love that abbreviation), he worked part-time at a liquor store. When people would ask what my husband did for a job, I'd respond with a vague "Oh, he is back at school, but he is working at a retail store." Inevitably, they'd ask what type of store. There's no way to class up the word "liquor store." So, there it was--- he works at a liquor store.

I used to envy his hours at the liquor store. All of these eccentric customers would come in---people who would make ideal characters in short stories or poems. This one Russian woman came in and would buy Jersey Cash 5, Mega Millions, and whatever other daily tickets were being sold. She would bring her son with her and John would yo-yo with him. Maynard would come in, wearing tattered Sanuks. He'd bring his guitar and jam in the middle of the store. Carmine was tall and brassy. She wore a lot of makeup and told me, on several occasions, "You're husband is a sweetheart. And I'm not blowing air up your ass."

And then there was Eddie. Eddie would sit for hours and play scratch off lotto. One day, I commented to him, "Geez, lotto is really a big hobby of yours." I said it cutely and innocently, but he responded sharply, "This ain't a hobby; it's a job."

I myself have been playing lotto for over a year. Like clockwork, I go to the corner store every Tuesday and Friday. I purchase one Jersey Cash 5 and one Mega Millions. The odds of winning Jersey Cash 5's jackpot are about 1 in 675,000---it's considered one of the "best odds." The odds of winning Mega Millions jackpot is 1 in 275 million, but, as the commercial goes You never know. 

I still work hard at my teaching job and haven't decided on the lotto being my job just yet. What I would do if I won is an interesting question to ponder.

John and I have a joke about winning. If we win at least $30,000 I can get a vanity license plate that pays tribute to the film Rockadoodle. This is a weird obsession that I have, despite never having seen the movie.

In reality, I'd be so ridiculously nerdy with the money though. I'd get new windows and siding on the house. I'd go on one of those all-inclusive cruises. We would try to start a family and not worry about daycare expenses. I'd buy a Prius.

Every time I check my lotto numbers, there's a quick pulsing of my heart. The most I have ever won is $10 and that occurred once. I've won $1 about five times over the past year. Still though, I keep playing. It's not a hobby; it's not a job; it's a wish. 

Inspirational Memes and Daily Emails

I used to get a daily email called something along the lines of "Happiness Quote of the Day." The quotations were lovely and supposedly inspirational, but after awhile I unsubscribed from the email list. Don't get me wrong--I love quotations, in general. Since I was thirteen years old, I've kept quotation journals filled with lovely sentiments, favorite lines from novels, and so forth. I just found that when I got the daily email, I'd read the quotation, nod my head in agreement, and then just kind of go on with my day. It didn't impact me too much. I also have this habit of hoarding emails, so those quotations would just stay in my inbox for ages.

Filling our lives with too many "inspirational" memes or posts can probably produce the opposite effect of motivating us. I see people all the time who post words of wisdom on Facebook, but then I never see them following through with those words of wisdom. If you're posting a quote about changing your life, then perhaps over the course of time that I've known you, there should be some kind of change in you (life habits, career, education, ...something).

I'm not against inspirational quotations, but instead of posting tons of daily memes, what about walking around with a scant amount of them perpetually in your mind?

I have a few quotations that I keep in my permanent memory. These have been with me for years---now that I am in my 30s, I can even say that these quotes have been with me for over a decade.

"Humor will act as a catalyst to purify the tragic"-- Aristotle
This one has been part of me since my last year of high school. I feel that it works well with my life b/c I've had so many screwed up things happen (although who hasn't?). Sometimes, I just have to poke humor at those occurrences. I feel like Augusten Burroughs would ascribe to the sentiment in the above quote too.

"In the midst of winter, I realized that within me there lay an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Camus' quotation reminds me of Aristotles---this idea of finding strength and aspiring to freedom when there is chaos and struggle around you.

"Carpe diem."
I try to follow this one, but sometimes I'm just lazy ;-)

"Procrastinators unite!!!!.... tomorrow"
(my mode of thinking when I do not seize the day).

Listed below are some favorite quotations from my "teen" quotation book. Ah, youth. Also...look at that handwriting...way neater than the crap penmanship kids have nowadays.

Add cWhy the hell I chose to save this quote and write it down, I have no idea. I live in NJ. We're known for malls more than anything else. The one nature hike I took in my life was a required one. My friend faked an asthma attack so that our nature hike could end early.

Clearly, this quotation makes sense if anyone sees my photos from high school...overweight...acne...and I wore dude clothes, boxer shorts and all....

Sweet.... a poem by Ralph Fletcher...I used to love cheesy poems like this...I still do.