La Belle Dame Sans Merci

Love is a Mix Tape, or EP, selections will be continued soon:) ....

My birthday is in about a week and a half. I've never been the type to want to make a big deal out of my birthday. In fact, I think it's more amusing to participate in festivities when others make big deals out of their birthdays.

I also think that I am one of those people who revels in seeing who actually remembers my birthday. I like to say nothing, mention nothing to anybody, and then see what happens.

John always struggles with what to get me for a gift. He generally waits until the last possible moment, in which he has to use the mall as means for the gift...no online shopping for procrastinators.

Last year, he got me this Vera Bradley purse--- green with large, bold flowers. It was exactly the one I wanted. I ended up returning it though...just never used it.

A few years ago, knowing that I love the color green, he got me a LARGE jade pendant. I returned it for something a little more modest.

This year, I told him I wanted a nice framed print for the bedroom. I gave him a website and wrote down 4 artists' names: Mucha, Waterhouse, Wyeth, and Klimt. I told John to search through the artists and pick a painting that would be good for the bedroom that both of us would like. Not an easy task, I realize. Kind of like a birthday gift/scavenger hunt.

He showed me three paintings that made the "final cut": Klimt's Hygieia, Klimt's Apple Tree 1912, and Waterhouse's La Belle Dame Sans Merci. For each painting, he told me an apt reason for wanting it for us. Hygieia somehow represents male and female, Apple Tree connects to us because apple picking is truly one of the things we look forward to each autumn, and La Belle Dame Sans Merci relates to a phrase he has heard for years---additionally, the painting is of a woman and a knight.

We're going with La Belle Dame Sans Merci. Based on a Keats poem, it actually isn't the most "romantic" of paintings, despite the imagery's conveyance. It's mysterious.

I almost feel like we don't even have to buy the print now---just knowing that he picked that one out is a good gift... we're still buying the framed print:)

"Love is a Mix Tape"

A few years ago, Rob Sheffield wrote "Love is a Mix Tape." The title alone reeled me in and I purchased the book. Clinging to the awesomeness of the title and the excellence of the cover art (two very stupid, yet influential things), I read on, hoping that the book would get better. I never finished it. Its spine is still prominently featured on my bookshelf though. Can't underestimate the value of glancing at a great title and smiling.

So...I got to thinking about it tonight on my drive home....on 124 west or 24 west...have lived here 10+ years and still get confused.

If I were to make a mix tape of my past loves, what single song would represent each person?

I quickly realized that instead of a list of songs that would compose my mix tape, my list of songs would compose a short EP. There weren't too many past loves, especially if the main technicality is that for someone to be a past love, it has to have been someone with whom I had an actual relationship...

Paul-- high school boyfriend---

We started dating under false premises. Jeff, from our lunch table, told Paul that I liked him. I was in 11th grade and Paul was in 9th grade. I guess an 11th grade girl (even an overweight, acne-ridden girl)liking a 9th grade minion was seen as a something to go after.

Paul immediately asked me out (I didn't know about the whole Jeff thing and thought Paul liked me). Despite not being attracted to him and thinking that we had absolutely nothing in common, I said yes. Another word for yes in situations like these is desperation.

Our first "date" was after school by the bay. We walked on the Ocean Gate boardwalk and sat on the sand. Instantly, Paul lunged forward toward my mouth; all I noticed was his hawk-like nose diving toward me (accurate sight--friends in high school called him "Bird" because of that prominent feature). After he tried kissing me, I replied, "What the fuck were you thinking?"

A bit of a rough start to a relationship...

We dated for 1 1/2 years. It was a "passionate" two years...like the stuff that Sunday night Lifetime movies are made of. Our personalities just didn't click. I yelled all the time; he basically did whatever I told him.

If I had to pick one song to represent this relationship it would be Firehouse's "Sleeping with You." Irony is that in 18 months of dating, we never technically "did it"-- everyone assumed we did but nope...I held out:)

I remember Paul liked an interesting range of music: STP, Alice in Chains, Cannibal Corpse,.... and remnants of his dad's tastes: Firehouse, George Thorogood, Alice Cooper, etc...

He did make me a mix tape once...and I recall it being an odd combination of songs, which is what a mix tape is generally all about.

"Sleeping with You" may be a song that seems to have sexual innuendo in it, but I always thought of it innocently-- as in sleeping beside someone and just enjoying the peace of the moment.

Even though I wouldn't call our relationship perfect, it was my first real relationship and a bunch of other silly, innocent firsts came with it... this song stands out in my mind as track 1, Paul.

......

Happiness Project

Am reading Gretchin Rubin's book, The Happiness Project, and am thoroughly enjoying it. I like that the author tells it as it is: it's not like she is impoverished, diagnosed with depression, suffering through a divorce, or going through other monumental struggles. Instead, she is just seeking more happiness in her day-to-day life.

While summer is a phenomenally relaxing time for me, I also find that I am very challenged by motivating myself. Most days, I don't wake up until after 10 and don't manage to leave the house until well after 1pm. Leaving the house at 1pm to "start my day" gets me to thinking: if it were a "work day," I would have taught 5 classes by now. I still would have the same amount of "free time" left in my day. In other words, I am starting to feel very unproductive amidst the summer days.

I made a silly to-do list, but with things that actually mean a lot to me, in terms of getting them done. I have joked about turning the ugly 1950s bathroom into "fun, 1950s kitsch," but that has only be imagined, not completed. I've talked about printing my online photos and organizing my photos albums...the print button has not been touched yet. And almost upon our 2 year anniversary, we still have not completed out wedding album!

Not exactly large-scale goals, but things that I should, nevertheless, be able to accomplish quickly....

I also want to start blogging more often. Rubin suggests blogging 6x a week... while it seems like a lot, I just think about the large span of time that can pass when I don't blog often.

Despite the cheesiness factor, I think I might use some blog-writing-prompt sites to help me and truly begin to blog 6x a week.

:)

Downtrodden

Downtrodden... such a sad word... it's probably a bit extreme for how I feel now, but it's within the general vicinity.

With all of the things Gov. Christie has been proposing and with the various negative comments about teachers from online forums, one can't help but feel downtrodden.

A co-worker and I were talking after school the other day--I was saying how sometimes when I come to work I feel like a sucker, like someone who just is a complete idiot and allows herself to be walked upon. Yes, yes. Healthcare benefits are great. I get a salary increase each year [even if it is ridiculously small in comparison to the LEAP in salary people in other careers make]. I have a pension plan [who knows if NJ will have the $ in place by the time I retire].

I just feel like a sucker because I know other people in different jobs ...mainly tech jobs...who get paid astronomical amounts. They don't necessarily even have a degree in their field, let alone a Master's degree. I "get" that my Master's in Reading doesn't "seem" all too important in the spectrum of the real world. But my day-to-day role and impact on children should count for something. I shouldn't feel like I am struggling to make ends meet while some other person sits in his cozy office job and makes six figures.

People act like "anyone" can teach. They should try it. Maybe they'd change their minds.

Some days I go into work and I just feel like quitting teaching and getting some office job...not that I have qualifications for an actual good office job... I'd just be doing some data entry and be bored beyond description. But sometimes the thought of hiding behind grey cubicle walls is nice....

Then I catch Office Space on some lower grade cable channel and come to my senses.

Looking for that 1/2 empty glass

Don't know what it is about me, but I look for the fault in every situation.

I recently read an online article that stated the different personality aspects that affect someone's happiness and longevity in life. One factor that negatively impacted happiness and longevity was cynicism.

I am definitely a cynic, always wondering and questioning things...and always assuming the worst.

Cue Russ, the neighbor.

Russ and his wife have a baby girl, one years old...Madeline. I'm sure they default to calling her "Maddie." They have typical family gatherings for things such as Maddie's birthday, christening, etc. Things center on Maddie. Michelle, Russ's wife, rushes into her "required" mode of transport-- a caravan-- each morning. She is a teacher at a local middle school. She happens to be a reading teacher. I know-- coincidences.

Russ is a good-looking guy. Mid 30s. No, probably late 30s. Most likely balding, as he keeps his hair very close shorn. Okay build--- not fat but certainly not hitting the gym too frequently, if ever.

Michelle is a little homely. In the summer, I sometimes would see her wearing loose v-neck tees and cottony capris. I thought I dressed lazily, but apparently I have competition in that area.

Russ does something business-related. He is always dressed nicely. Who knows-- he could sell cars at a Saturn dealership---but somehow I get that taking-train-into-city vibe. Or... just commuting to somewhere like Seacaucus or Jersey City.

He's crazy into his yard. One morning, I saw him watering his lawn at 5:30. Fucking nuts.

He put up Christmas lights last week. Icicle lights dangling from across the roof... a lit wreath on the door... greenery twining on the railing up the outside stairs. In the back, he even put lights on a tree in the yard. White lights, of course. I HATE white Christmas lights. And white lights on a timer. They go on around 5pm and turn off nightly at 10. Russ and Michelle are always asleep real early. I can't fathom turning out my lights by 9, but by 9pm at their house, it looks like total darkness.

Russ is probably the type of husband who scrapes the ice and snow off his wife's window without being asked to. He probably can "fend for himself," food-wise, if needed. I'm sure he does some of his laundry on his own, though he isn't "perfect" enough to tidily fold his socks and underwear...but they make it into the dresser drawers.

Seems like a nice guy. They seem like a pretty functional couple.... Yet- a part of me asks-- what is that bastard doing on the side?

Observations to pass the time

* I find it amusing [and depressing] that many people do not know how to pronounce the name of our street: Sioux. The pronunciations that people create are interesting, to say the least. The most popular mispronunciation is "SI- UX." Today, the woman with whom I spoke on the phone commented, "American English is hard." I researched and found that the name is modified and has some Canadian French roots but....Um.... it's a Native American tribe.... shouldnt she recognize the name from somewhere??? ...

* It is funny that there is a guy at the gym with arms as "toned" as mine [i.e. not at all] who persists in wearing a sleeveless tee. That's actually a consistent thing with most men at the gym...the sleeveless tee...either purchased "pre-de-sleeved" or homemade via cutting the sleeves off. I don't get it. I revel in the fact that John is pretty muscular but refuses to wear those types of shirts.

*Even funnier than the abundance of sleeveless tees is WHITE Under Armour gear. WHITE. Enough said. Eek.

* A student asked me if I had ever heard of Lady Gaga. Even if you don't actively listen to new "pop" stars, if you glance at magazines or flip on the TV once in a while, then you will be up to date on your pop culture stuff. Me-- I read Perez everyday and own the album, THE FAME. My response to this student was a look, straight in the eye, and a dry "No, I live on Mars."

* The previous owners of this house were huge proponents of Jewish charities. At least 4 times a week, we get solicitations connected to Jewish charities. We also get snazzy catalogs such as THE RESOURCE FOR ALL THINGS JEWISH. No kidding...the title is something along those lines. They have a really cool plaque in which you can put some of the shattered glass from your traditional Jewish wedding.... and cool, artsy menorahs.

Sunday nights....

I detest Sunday nights.

Just the dread of starting the "work week"--- I hate the feeling hovering over me. I always say that I will get "everything" I need to get done for the weekend completed on Friday, thus leaving me a worry-free weekend. Completing all my work on Friday generally does not happen. I then have all these aspirations of getting the work done over the course of the weekend, in dribs and drabs... leaving work on Friday, my pseudo-briefcase is brimming with paperwork....so much paperwork that when I make a swift turn with the car, papers go flying out of the briefcase and land on the passenger seat on the floor.

Quick flash forward to our current Sunday night.

Those papers are still on my passenger seat floor.

Agh.

I'd grade them if they weren't shit. My students seem so incredibly unmotivated. I try to give them "meaningful" assignments. Recently, a student put me "on the spot" and asked about the purpose behind the class's weekly vocab assignment. I didn't get offended or angry; I simply told him the purposes of the assignment. He still hasn't handed in any of the weekly vocab assignments.

I feel like no matter what I do, some of these students will still be ridiculously unmotivated. I can't help but feel that some of us teachers have made students this way. We seem to "do everything" for them. I laugh when my colleagues give students a super-precise study guide that maps out the exact format and questions that will be on a future test or quiz. We're not really making them independent are we now?

Back to Sunday nights. They amaze me so much because they are full of procrastination. Depending on the "most important task" of the moment, it's interesting what things I will choose to do with my time other than the actual task. Case in point: i'd rather rake or run miles upon miles instead of doing "work work." And I'm not a fan of raking or running at all. It's just interesting how your mindset about something changes when that "thing" is the alternative to a "thing" you want to do even less.

Vapidness

Well, after hefting all our stuff into the new [to us...] house, it seems horrible to think about moving all it out. However, that's what I was doing tonight....thinking about moving it out, that is.

I feel down. I hate when I feel like this because it is significantly different from my "normal" cynical, pessimistic self. This "down" is just a feeling of emptiness...if other people with real problems and challenges [loss of job, terminal illnesses, lack of close relationships, family tragedies] heard me say I was down, they would look and me and mutter, "Fuck you."

Things aren't that bad...I realize that.

But driving to class tonight, I started getting upset....

Driving in Jersey is so ridiculous. The roads are so crowded and everyone is so incredibly rude. Driving onto Montclair's campus isn't much better. People cutting you off in traffic, etc. And the air of arrogance that most people walk around with... it's uncanny.

When I walk into class, it's 32 girls chattering on and on. It sounds like loud, indistinct sounds merged together. Kind of reminds me of the "teacher voice" used on Charlie Brown. And I know we're all sitting there, listening intently, thinking about our soon-to-be-received Master's degrees. Some people sit there and you can tell they think highly of themselves...not the "I have a good level of confidence" amount...but just the "I am superior" amount. Meanwhile, I sit there, thinking, "I don't know shit about what my degree is and feel ill-prepared to walk out of this place and call myself a reading specialist....".... so I probably won't.

I just wonder if things would be easier if I packed my shit and moved somewhere less expensive...and less crowded.

They say "grass is always greener on the other side"---in this case, it might actually be true.

Self-Loathing Saturday

We had this cheesy motivational speaker at work the other day. Antics during his presentation included putting a clown nose on his face and making it disappear, then reappear. During most of the presentation, I sat in my chair [utterly uncomfortable--back pressing against metal back of chair] and thought of various other dreadfully boring activities that I'd rather be doing.

Two things stuck out from his presentation though:

1] "The past is not the present."
Sure, the past affects the present and the past is still part of who you are...but it isnt the entirity of who you are. If you had challenges in the past and overcame them... great. If you made mistakes in the past, what has happened has happened...just try to make them again.

2] "Most of us only achieve 20% of our potential."
So yes... I can sit at the kitchen table and read the stupid alumni letter from my college and get irked at reading about others' accomplishments...but it's not like I do not also have the ability to achieve those things. I can sit here on a saturday afternoon and think "I feel fat, unattractive, etc"... or I can get up off my ass and just start my day and be the best I can be. ***I realize the "be the best I can be" statement is ridiculously lame.

I'm just having a shitty Saturday... and i guess what I need to do is go outside, appreciate the beautiful weather, call a friend or two, and sit down and enjoy my free time... instead of sitting here, loathing myself. Easier said than done.

Tech Overload

Wow. I never thought I'd be so into technology. I mean... most "techies" would not consider me to be a person who is so into technology, but this summer has shown itself to be a summer full of technological explorations.

1] Facebook. I originally was anti-Facebook and much preferred Myspace. Soon everyone just kind of moved over to Facebook so I was kind of forced into using that as my social networking tool. But it's a fun site. There's all these cheesy quizzes you can take. You can send virtual gifts [which I think is lame, but I still do it anyway]. Although i used to rag on John for playing World of Warcraft hours on end, I have gotten interested in a Facebook game... Farmville. I'm not that "into" it, but I definitely check my farm's "status" a few times a day. It astounds me that you can add accessories to your farm by paying with real money. Again...the idea of buying virtual things... I don't get it.

2] Blogger. Ok...I have this blog... but then I also suggested to my Weight Watcher cohorts that we start a blog for our Wednesday night group. So now I find myself checking that and seeing what people have written. We only have 5 people on the blog thus far...it hasnt quite hit the "masses" of the Wednesday night group. People get scared of technology...and a lot of the WW people are older and may not be used to blogs, etc.

3] CraigsList. Addictive. We bought new bedroom, living room, and "tv room" furniture. For the dining room, we are going to buy a used set... Each day I check Craigslist for dining rooms. I mostly am entertained... there's a lot of crap out there. I DETEST country style dining room sets. "White-washed" wood is simply horrible. Black lacquer is not "modern" in my mind and just looks tacky. "Shabby chic" is code for "shit."

4] Myspace...because I have hope that one day the masses will return... although I've gotten so used to Facebook.

5] Perez Hilton. I really need to learn more about Obama's healthcare plan and who is running for governor in November. Instead... I know all about Jon Gosselin... I know that Katie Holmes disappointed audience members when she performed on So You Think You Can Dance. I know that Victoria Beckham is no longer doing underwear modeling for Armani. Also, Lily Allen goes from crazy/tacky to fun/glamorous one day to the next.

It's going to suck when summer ends :(

Suburbanite Observations

It's been 2 weeks+ since we have moved in. I, oddly, find myself annoyed with clutter and "brick-a-brack." I like the streamlined look of our bedroom and how there's nothing messy about it. The junkmail that is inevitably strewn across the kitchen table irritates me, but it can't be helped. I find the packrat in me putting aside window installation coupons, thinking in my head, "Maybe we'll use this soon."

I find myself thinking that maybe I need a stepstool by our bedroom window, so Flash and Lola don't mark up the walls with paw prints when attempting to jump from the ground to the window.

In short, I guess I am now domesticated.

It's interesting to peoplewatch in the neighborhood. Back in the apartment, it was less of peoplewatching and more of listening. I could hear the next door upstairs neighbors loudly fighting. Him calling her a drunk bitch and her trying to have a comeback and ending up slurring her words instead. The downstairs neighbors would have dinner parties and you'd hear laughter. Another neighbor would have friends over for UFC and pay per view events. You'd hear cheering from their apartment.

Our bedroom is in the front of the house. Part of the time this is frustrating because I like my privacy...but I also like looking out the window, from a distance, and watching what everyone is doing.

Some observations:
*Edith IS our neighborhood watch. Her beach chair is perpetually in her front yard and on any day that is not raining, she sits in her chair and watches everything.

*The guy diagonal from us is what I envision as the typical suburban dad. He constantly is working on lawn maintenance. Today it was amusing because as he was "investigating" from dried patches of grass, he was flicking his cigarette's ashes on the lawn.

*Times don't change. Teenagers careen their cars up the street, with loud, awful music blasting. I guess this is considered "cool."

Things are good so far.

Aww.

I love eavesdropping on conversations...although eavesdropping is not the exact word I am looking for. I like hearing snippets of conversation in the background of whatever I am doing:)

Yesterday, I was walking around the apartment complex, getting my 10000 steps in. This beige car (Toyota Corolla, functional, simple) pulled up to the curb of one of the buildings. Out from the driver's side stepped a man dressed in a dress shirt and khakis. Walking down the sidewalk toward the car was a woman (about the man's age-- mid 50s?) who was all dressed up in a black dress. He opened the trunk and she put an overnight bag in (my guess is they were on their way to an overnight/weekend trip to AC).

He asked her, "How are you doing?"
She replied, "Great. How are you?"
And then he said.... "I'm great now that you're here."

Aww:) It makes me smile to hear those things in real life.

Although I do have to say... the cynic in me... if a guy said that to me, I'd have to really force myself not to giggle or accidentally roll my eyes.

Overall though...that type of cheesiness would probably make me beam:)

Slowly but surely....

We will be moved out of this apartment.

We closed on the house today. Our lawyer was a literal mess. His entire office was full of various piles of file folders, bound together by huge binder clips. I do the same thing to organize class sets of essays when they are handed in... but... I am a teacher...not a legal representative.

His swivel chair was also missing a back and one of the arms. When he left the room to xerox something, John took a photo with his cell phone. I broke into laughter. When the lawyer returned back into the room, it took all the self-control I could gather to not start laughing boisterously.

We haven't started too much packing. There's so much stuff...it's overwhelming.

But we're making progress.

Today, I faced the fact that even though they're my "favorite jeans," if they have holes not only at the knee but on both the ass and crotch, plus on both lower ankles, then maybe they can be thrown out. Little steps...little steps... hopefully we'll be out of here by the end of the lease....

Rollercoaster

I am back "on" with Weight Watchers. I was not ever officially "off" but whenever I don't psychotically track, I gain weight. So annoying. It's not like I've been having pizza, burgers, shakes, chips, etc. I treated myself to some beers last weekend. Otherwise, I ate fine... or so I thought...2 pounds up.

Argh.

John says if i build muscle and start using weights, things will balance out. How stubborn people can be... because I realize he is right but i HATE the weight room side of the gym...so here I continue on... keeping up with cardio but not having huge results.

I witnessed something odd at the food store today and thought to myself, "Ok, I NEVER want to be like THAT." This "large" lady was passing me by in the coffee/cookies/etc aisle. She stopped her cart in front of the biscotis on display and said aloud, "Oh I love those things." She definitely was not targeting her comment toward anyone in particular. Instead, she just seemed to have the name to utter this comment of food favoritism aloud. I thought it was kind of sad.

Another way I don't ever want to be is... post pregnancy...one of those women who just "lets herself go"...who assumes it's ok to walk around in elasticized jeans [eek] and huge tshirts/hoodies because... she is taking care of a child. Obviously when you have a child, it is a life-altering experience but I don't think that means you should let yourself be a lesser version of your previous self. What does that say to your child, in the long run?

Ok...onward and upward...but not on the scale:)

Fuck you. I love you.

There's nothing quite like unleashing a tirade of curses upon your husband and then, hours later, still being able to lie beside each other in bed, do your silly-voice-talk, and fall asleep together.

John had me work out with him yesterday. We used kettle bells and I got to a point where I was like, "Forget it. I'll run. I'll do anything other than this." So, of course he then had me do 50 kettle bell swings and a jog around the apartment complex. After time #1, I figured we were done. I could, at last, go inside, drink some cold water, and sit down and read. I'm reading this book called Don't You Forget About Me. It's nothing stellar but it makes slight mention of the 1980s and takes place in a "fictitious" area that closely resembles Morristown, Chatham, etc. The author even mentions the Nautilus, aka "Nauseous" Diner.

We ended up doing the 50 kettle bell swing and run around the apartment complex a 2nd time. John has this great ability of making me push myself. I still don't give it my all, but it's better than me just going upstairs. After the 2nd time around, I felt pretty dead. Face red. Body crashing down onto the grass.

Even though it was a tough workout and despite saying "Whatever" and "I can't" and even a few "Fuck yous," I felt good after the workout. Even today...the back of my legs kill but...it feels good.

This week is already feeling significantly better than last week. There's something to be said for that whole body/mind connection idea.

karma

I shouldn't have made the "fat people" post... Despite eating healthy this week...the only exceptions being pigging out on food at John's parents late night on Friday [after being starved from a raw foods, 16 bite "feast"]...I gained 2.2 pounds. Karma.

Am so frustrated. John says if I add some strength training to my workout that it will help balance the weight loss and make it more consistent. I don't want to do strength training :( Other people at Weight Watchers "treat themselves" to weekly gorge fests on pizza, fries, etc. The last time I have had those foods... I can't even recall:( My metabolism, etc annoys me.

Also...lately...I find myself in a conflict with social networking sites. Part of me likes reading about friends and sharing thoughts, etc. Part of me thinks that these sites end up making me feel lonesome or sad. People seem to post [almost in a bragging manner] all these highlights of their lives. Additionally, it seems like we do more "commenting" back and forth than in "live," in-person time. Can make someone actually feel more out of touch with their "friends" than in touch. I sometimes think it'd be worthwhile to just get rid of myspace, facebook, etc.

Then... I worry what I would do with my time. Most likely it would be way more productive than [essentially] staring at a screen and taking silly "quizzes" like "What Beatles song are you?" and "What your birthdate says about you."

from 18 Days Without You, by Anne Sexton

December 16th

Once upon a time
you grew up in a bedroom the size of a dime
and shared it with your sister. That was West End
Avenue in Manhattan. Longing for country you were penned
into city, peering across the Hudson at Palisades Park.
The boy in you played stickball until it was dark.

One upon a time
I was the only child forbidden to climb
over the garden wall. I didn't dare to speak
up over the Victorian houseful of rare antiques.
My dolls were all proper, waiting in neat rows.
My room was high ceilinged, lonely and full of echoes.

Once upon a time
you said, "Now that the cabin is ours,
I'm going to run the power in."
And we had a power party.
I made gingham curtains. We nailed up your Doctoral degree.
We turned the stove on twice. Oh my love, oh my louse,
we make our own electricity while we play house.

Insensitive Bitch...or maybe just a realist

Losing weight has turned me into an aggressive bitch. Case in point: I was at Costco today, trying to navigate consumerism hell on earth. It wasn't even that it was crowded but simply that tons of fat, lazy people were slowly trudging through the store... stopping every five seconds to wait 1-2 minutes for a tiny food morsel sample. It was so annoying. In my head, I was thinking things like, "Move out my way, you fat fuck," "Could your pants be any tighter?," etc.

I NEVER thought this way before.

I guess losing weight has just made me annoyed with other people who, voluntarily, allow themselves to be unhealthy.... unattractive.... lazy...etc. All those traits go together. I wish that stores would stop selling huge sizes. Maybe then people would be motivated to try to take care of themselves--- public humiliation tends to do the trick in many scenarios.

I feel the best I have felt in a long time...probably ever. I can't imagine going back to what I was before...not that I was even anything too horrific. But, it's like once you improve yourself and see all the other positive changes that come along with that one initial improvement, theres no way you will go back to the way things were.

I really don't spend much of my own time thinking about other "fat" people...it's just something that was on my mind today...amidst the gluttons shopping @ Costco.

temperate skies

The weather of the past week has made me feel like we're in that Ray Bradbury short story, "All Summer in a Day." I witnessed the bright sun shining today, so I guess I won't be playing the part of the girl who gets locked in the closet--- imprisoned long enough to miss the sun shining, let out just in time to see the rain begin to pour again.

While I previously was intrigued by the idea of living in a primarily rainy area like Seattle, this week has confirmed that I would never want to permanently live in a place like that. The rain has been miserable.

The forecast for tonight and tomorrow is rainstorms...again. Right now, there's a light breeze outside and the fading sunlight is slipping through the gaps between trees, branches, and leaves. I like the contrast between the warm temperature outside and the slight chill of the breeze passing by.

I am not really in the mood for welcoming more rain, but I wouldn't mind a full-blown hail storm sometime soon. I remember when I was younger... I ran outside during a hail storm and "caught" hail in a bucket. I then proceeded to keep the bucket in the freezer for quite a few months. I have to start doing silly things like that again, sometime soon.

Fascination with accents

Any guy who comes to "the states" and has an accent should never be single. As in, there shouldnt be the possibility of singledom for him. American women LOVE accents.

Last night, Jen, Val, and I went out. Two guys were talking to us. One was the "dominant" guy---he came up to us first, started the conversation, etc. His friend (average height, glasses, not super attractive but not unattractive either] just kind of stood nearby, not saying anything. Later in the evening, he revealed that he is the "wingman" when him and his friend go out. Amusing.

When he finally spoke later in the evening, it turned out he had an accent. He's from Wales. Of course, all of us replied, "Oh, England?," to which he replied again, "No, Wales." I'd love to take an informal survey of Americans who actually know and/or recognize Wales as an actual country.

Chris (Welsh guy) was saying he has kind of sworn off dating and given up. Unbelievable. I told him he needs to go to a laundromat, carefully fold his wash, and make sure he goes to the counter and asks for change or some other simple request, making sure to put his voice at a good volume. The minute any woman hears an accent---bam---that's it.

American women are fascinated by accents. I've seen the same scenario occur amongst myself, friends, others: you may be bored with someone or just indifferent. The minute that accent is heard, you are immediately interested. It's something unique. Exciting. Unknown territory.

Nostalgia?....

Such a contradiction--- thinking that it is ridiculous that people constantly update their Twitter, Facebook, Myspace--- but the same time consciously being "concerned" that I don't have a lot of "friends" on those social networking sites--- Trying to do better things with my time--- finding myself sitting online and doing just about nothing productive with my time.

At 28, I mean, I guess I feel "mature"--- in some ways. But I feel like I've been in my current state for awhile. I've definitely changed over the past few years, feeling more confident probably being the biggest change--- but parts of me still feel like I'm not that far off from how I used to be.

I sometimes laugh at the popularity of certain bands and artists. Take Fall Out Boy. Pete Wentz is MY AGE--- but still dressing in skin tight, colored jeans a la Hot Topic---still getting tons of fans in the middle school/high school age group. Makes me think about music choices too. How do your music choices transcend time?

I, like every teenage girl, had Alanis Morrissette's Jagged Little Pill--- back in '95. Morissette was 21 when the album came out--- I'm sure some of the songs were written earlier than when she was 21 but, nonetheless, most of the album seemed reflective of her experiences. . . . I was 15 but somehow felt "connected" to the album...somehow felt I could relate to the anger in "You Oughtta Know," in addition to other songs... despite not even reaching the rite of passage of first kiss, let alone having someone fuck you and then leave.

I listened to that album today. Also listened to some old Fiona Apple albums recently. The albums still resonate with me. This leads me to asking--- is it nostalgia... or just pathetic?

At least I can feel happy with myself knowing that I will not utter that I feel "connected" to those albums. After a few tracks, the whining, angst-ridden lyrics get pretty aggravating.

Rainy Days and Mondays

It probably ages me significantly---the fact that I think of that song whenever it rains on a Monday. I remember when I was 7 or 8. They had this TV special on Karen Carpenter--- a mini-movie made for TV. I remember being fascinated--- the whole anorexia thing. How someone could get herself to a point of looking so frail-- and how no one really stopped her.

I'm not a huge Carpenters fan. Always thought the closeness between Richard and Karen was kind of weird too. But I do appreciate listening to the greatest hits album every once in awhile.

I love rainy days. With the exception of blow drying/styling my hair and then having the rain fuck it up, I love rainy days. They somehow energize me. I laugh at how people scurry around quickly, attempting to not get a single drop of rain water on themselves. Traffic is another thing. People just become possessed by some craziness. Suddenly, it's 5:00 and there's a constant stream of ambulance lights glittering up and down the highway. You hear police sirens more often, or so it seems.

The best time is before it rains too--- when you can smell the wetness in the air, smell earthiness, mixed in with the scent of asphalt--it does have a scent.

Melange of Sunday night thoughts

I don't know why I waste my time so much. I go through phases... sometimes I want to be out and about A LOT. This weekend was filled with a lot of sleep...mostly from avoidance of the grad school paper/presentation due tuesday. I worry the professor will ask some question about my research methods, seeking an answer from me which includes words like "standard deviation, correlation, etc." I'm worried I won't have an answer. But honestly...the worst that can happen is I simply say, "I don't know." It's just some stupid paper anyway.

The thing I did accomplish this weekend was going to the gym 3x in a row. Mostly lazy workouts though...elliptical. Lots of elliptical. Despite taking the weight training class, I still can't make my way over to the weights area. I just feel uncomfortable.

Just was going through my quote journal and re-reading some things. Despite having sad undertones, Bernhard Schlink's THE READER has some beautiful language, some lovely words about love too. I enjoy how a literary piece could be about the most gloomy topic, yet still have some rays of joy shining through. Another book vivid in my mind is Jarhead. Whole book about being amidst war, but I recall two or three pages in which the author describes getting ready to come back to the US. The night before leaving, he made love to a Japanese girl who he had known awhile; she had a boyfriend that had recently returned to her too. But Anthony Swofford's language is beautiful: "I sucked her breath from her mouth and she bit my tongue until it bled. As the sun broke into the barracks, we wept, and she kissed my chest softly."

It was annoying when they made Jarhead into a movie because the movie... sucked. And I'm pretty certain that the lovely aforementioned scene was definitely not included.

Onto other topics: Spring is here! Frankly, the beautiful daytime weather leads to instant slackerdom... I just want to sit outside and read all day. I'm happy that the trees are flowering too. Wish I knew the names of the "species," or phylum...or whatever word categorizes trees more specifically.

Getting ahead

Today, I came to a conclusion. Getting ahead does not necessarily have to do with being smart, being talented, or even being good at what you do. A lot of times, the people who get ahead are the ones who get off their ass and actually try to move forward. They take that first step. They are the ones would laugh at my "Procrastinators unite!!... tomorrow" t shirt but would never make that motto a part of their daily life.

I am looking to change positions at work. No, there would be no pay increase. No, I will not have more "power" or authority. Rather, I will simply be happier...or so I think.

This current Writing class they have me teaching is bullshit. The kids don't like it as much as they liked the Reading "supplemental" class---and they barely tolerated that class, as it was. Also, my class numbers are ridiculous. Three different preps, 150 WRITING students. The Language Arts teachers have 90 students. Totally unfair. It's just a shitty situation.

There's an opening for a Basic Skills/Gifted and Talented instructor. The preps would suck. It's all three grade levels, both Basic Skills in Math and LA and the Gifted/Talented curriculum. BUT... the light at the end of the tunnel, you ask? Significantly smaller class numbers. Also--the students have the class in "cycles." so as soon as I got through the prep work for cycle one, I'd be able to repeat it.

I told the principal I was interested, but have not done anything beyond that to attempt to "secure" my position in the job. A co-worker told me to write a letter in which I state my qualifications. 1] I am lazy, but 2] I feel like a jackass--"stating my qualifications."

There's someone else interested in the position. I think I can do way better than her. So...guess I should sit my ass down and prepare to be a jackass and write my letter of qualification... The alternative is another year of this Writing hell...

Wow. First a reed, then Cameron

Awesome times, really. Ok...so I am doing well with losing weight. Last night, Val's fiance said, "Where are your hips?" I didn't tell him and Val that I was doing Weight Watchers. I hate telling people I am watching my weight/on a diet plan. Then, each time they see you, they expect to see this monumental change in your weight....and it doesn't happen that way.

But last night David was like, "Where are your hips? You've lost weight." It cracks me up that guys mistake "chunk" on the sides of your body for hips. I mean...geez...I still have hips--just have a little less chunk.

John's aunt saw me about a month ago and said, "Oh my gosh! You're a reed." Seriously, the biggest compliment I have ever gotten:)

Last night at karaoke, Siler said I remind him of Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels... no...I am not suddenly 5'11" and super thin. He sent me the link today... I've never seen the movie...but the scene he sent me is a scene of her dancing around, silly, in the morning. And... it's not too far off from how I am when I am around the apartment alone. Sometimes...I dance in front of a mirror and lip sync to songs by Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Good times :)I used to hold back so much of myself and be concerned about what people thought. I'm still concerned but... am willing to rap Salt N Peppa's "Shoop" in the middle of a gay bar with rabbit ears on my head:)

Avoidance

Ah. Inspirational quotations. I hate the ones that are like "Getting up the hill is half the battle," blah blah blah. I rarely put myself in the situation where I am getting up the proverbial hill.

Most of my life, I've had this habit of quitting things when they are challenging...or simply avoiding them. Case in point: college. Despite going to a tiny private college that didn't exactly have tons of literature offerings for an English major, I somehow managed to avoid Victorian Lit and Medieval Lit. Did everything I could to make sure I didn't take those courses. Second example: quitting clarinet when we got to the high notes. I had played the instrument in upper elementary school and it was pretty easy (also part of the reason I chose the clarinet: rumors of its easiness). Once middle school hit and we had to play the high notes, bam, I was out the door.

I am taking a Research Methods class now and avoidance is not a possibility. Honestly though, the whole talk of significant research, p values, t tests, and standard deviations. It makes no sense to me. I feel like an absolute idiot. It's incredibly frustrating....because...damn... I can't quit the class. Well.. I could but...

Another thing is my lack of financial knowledge. I know credit cards screw you but I simply pay the whole bill each month and avoid the whole "screwing" issue. But I don't know a thing about APR, interest, etc. Now it's time for us to do income taxes and I'd like to try them on my own (usually pay an accountant for an income tax return that people tell me is simple) but am afraid I will mess it up.

Yes... now indeed that would be hilarious. The IRS coming to arrest the teacher and retail manager in their meager one bedroom apartment.

Pseudo Genetics

When I look at my wedding photos, I see a strong resemblance between my mother and me. I definitely have her eyes. My smile looks exactly like her smile when she was my age-- cheeks slightly protruding, eyes crinkling, and mouth widely smiling.

Some people in my family have said I resemble my father. I don't really see it. I definitely have his hair --- thick --- it takes an eternity to dry. Other than that, I don't see any resemblances.

It saddens me. If I looked like him, I could feel that there was a part of him within me -- basically every time I looked in the mirror.

Although I didn't know my father too long before he passed away, there's certain personality/ non-genetic traits of his that I like to think I somehow "inherited."

My mom talks about how my dad used to go to garage sales and flea markets all the time. When he passed away, apparently the basement was filled with "junk"-- my mother's words, not mine.

Somehow I think the concept of someone's "trash" being another's "treasure" has been passed down to me. I love going to garage sales, flea markets, and thrift shops. While some people consider buying things from those places as buying "used" stuff, I think it's almost a sharing experience. Case in point: I love buying a used book and seeing the lines that someone else highlighted, or the notes that were written in the margin. Sometimes when I see the highlighted lines, I ask, "Why? What's so important" and...

sometimes...even better... I say, "Yeah, I'd highlight that too."

Getting back

I have to start writing again.

When I first started teaching, I recall someone asking me if I was still writing. My response was something along the lines of, “By the end of the day, my students have sucked any and all creativity out of me.” I might have even compared them to leeches.

Cowardly, I know. Like Hemingway ever said, “I’m an alcoholic and can’t write today.” Or Fitzgerald said, “Zelda is going mad again and I just don’t have it in my to write.”

Rather, they used the writing to make structure [I think] of some sort in their lives. To guide them along.

Fast forward to 7 years later. . . I have to start writing again. I’ve often thought of waking up earlier in the morning, maybe writing from 5:30 to 6. I know this is not a reality. I am definitely not a morning person. But I have to do something to start bringing those things I love(d) back into my life. It’s amazing how our days can pass by… sure, we’ve “done things.” We’ve gone to work, done laundry, cleaned house, gone food shopping, maybe bought a new picture or two to hang up. But I think about it like this—if I died today and those activities were the “basics” of my daily life, …well… it’d be a pretty boring obituary to read.

Jessie Spano is my hero...

I feel like I am [slightly] out of that famous episode of Saved by the Bell...where Jessie, Lisa, and Kelly are in the leotard-wearing-girl group. Because Jessie is feeling pressure from applying to colleges and being in the girl group, she begins abusing caffeine pills.

Story of my life:)

I, for the life of me, can't get into drinking coffee. For me to like it, I'd have to put so much sugar and milk in it that the caloric intake would equal my whole breakfast. I've gotten into chai teas but those are filled with sugar too. Hot chocolate just seems lame, in terms of getting a morning "fix." So...each morning, I take a caffeine tablet. I've taken the famed Vivrin brand before, but in recent months have not been opposed to "Jet Alert" (96 tablets for under 3 bucks- amazing) or "Awake" (Walgreens "house" brand). Funny though. I think I have gotten to the point where the tablet does not affect my energy level. I'm just so used to taking the pill...that I take it.

Tonight, I went to the gym around 8:30. KNEW it was a bad idea. Whenever I go to the gym at "night night" hours, I can't fall asleep. You'd think getting all your energy out would make it so you could easily sleep when you get home. Instead---it has the opposite effect on me.

So...it's 11:35 and I am discussing my lame dependency on caffeine tablets. Now that I am wide awake, I might rummage through the three-drawer organizer in the bathroom and pop a sleep-time tablet... Shop Rite house brand. These economic times are tough.

On the + side--- got a personal best on my mile run....jog....um... whatever "moderate" verb you want to use. 9 minutes, 46 seconds. Dont know how that compares to the rest of the universe but my fat ass could not run the mile in younger years....so to have a "PB" is pretty awesome.

The Faithless

There must be this idea that if you live in an apartment complex, you must lack faith. I guess that argument might be valid in connection to "domestic partners" who (as my Aunt Tina says ) "live in sin" and do not get married or are not already married before moving in together.

I can only recall being visited by Jehovah's Witnesses ONCE during my time of residing in a house (21 years).

At the apartment complex, Jehovah's Witnesses come around a few times a year. It always is after a big holiday too. The morning after Thanksgiving or a few days after New Year's. It's like they're thinking, "You've had your holiday fun, your gluttony--now it's time to find God" ...or Jehovah, I guess.

Today, we had another milestone in attempts at making us full of faith. A postcard was wedged in the windowpane. One the front side, there was a glossy picture of a tub of popcorn and it read "Pop in January 4th." It immediately made you think that the movie theatre nearby was doing some type of promotion or double feature...something. The other side of the card detailed a church (Realife Church) that is coming to our area. You can join in on church services on Sunday mornings...at the movie theatre! How weird is that? I thought having one of those revival churches in a shopping plaza next to a Weight Watchers center was weird enough, but in a movie theatre?

I said to John, "It must be Born Again." He said, "Yeah, I guess it's non denominational." In my mind, Born Again is a denomination---crazy. I can say this from first hand experience too. I actually did once go to a Born Again service---not by choice. My mother was led to the front of the church and the preacher put a hand on her head and said something along the lines of, "Heal this child." I could not make this stuff up.

Well...if I ever am bored on a Sunday morning, it's nice to know there's a place I could go to. The postcard advertises "contemporary live music" and "FREE refreshments."

Resolutions

Well, People magazine proclaimed on a recent cover that Oprah has hit 200 pounds and that she says, "I'm Embarrassed!" Am guessing her New Year's resolution, like the rest of the earth, (America, at least) is to lose weight.

I understand the whole idea of a new year and making resolutions. I just never know what to have for my resolution. I don't think I'd really say losing weight for this. Instead, I just want to continue CONSISTENTLY following the healthy habits I have learned.

One year my resolution was to make better eye contact with people---retarded:)

I guess a resolution could be to clean the apartment more and keep it tidy, but again, that seems like a lame resolution.

I guess in my mind a resolution is supposed to be something so monumental that it will really change a big part of you and, ultimately, make you a better person.

In that case, I guess I could be more assertive with people. That's something I am not the best with being. Then, "after the fact," I will think of clever comebacks or intelligent statements that I should have said to the person who was confronting me/bothering me/ etc.

But that resolution seems difficult to complete. But I guess that's the point.

Is a burger and fries supposed to make you feel like garbage?

When Supersize Me came out a few years ago, I was so grossed out by the film that I did not eat McDonald's, Burger King, etc for four years. I can't say I didn't eat any fast food because I consider the crap that chains like Applebees serve to be fast food...but I stayed away from the burge/fries fast food chains.

About a year ago, after a night of sibling bonding and drinking, my sister convinced me to stop for a 2am snack of McDonald's. At 2am, after drinking at bars, that food was delicious.

I think I am on a path to self-destruction...or was. Ever since the wedding, I have been eating whatever I want...in LARGE competitive-eater portions. Friday night I said to myself, "I'm having McDonalds for dinner and then that's." My goal is to get off all of the post-wedding/honeymoon weight. It's only 5 pounds or so but it seriously makes a big difference. I feel blobbish.

Tonight... I went to McDonald's again. And I reverted to a habit I used to have in high school--I went through the drive thru to get the food and then, like an ashamed glutton, I ate the food in the parking lot.

So...tomorrow is Sunday...start of the new week, according to conventional calanderists. I am starting fresh with my eating habits. It pisses me off that food can have this much of a hold on me. I mean...even looking back at blog entries...about 1/4 of them are about food/"dieting."I try to stay away from self-deprecating, woe-is-me comments....

Aiming to get back on track....hopefully...

The Good, The Bad...maybe I'm too melodramatic.

Lately, things have been a back and forth see saw between good and bad. Granted, my "bad" is nothing tragic. No one has died or come down with a terminal illness. No tragedies nearby. But still, things have been a bit chaotic.

The Good:
**People at work tell me I am "glowing" and will make a lovely bride.
**My wedding dress fits well and I think it is hilarious they have to stuff the top part to help "fill me out."
**I am doing well with eating better and am down to 151 pounds:)
**I fit into a size 10 pair of jeans. :-)
**It's fall--crisp air and apple picking time.
**Went to the Dodge Poetry Festival and discovered some poets I hadn't heard of before. Luke Warm Water...a Native American poet. Had a poem about some girl asking him to come to San Diego. During one of the lines, he describes her as having "acres of ass." That line is awesome.
**Went to the New Kids on the Block, um... NKOTB...concert on Tuesday night. The fact that in 2008, I can be brought back to feeling like I was in 1988 is simply amazing. And...Jordan is still hot. :)

The Bad:
**Work kind of sucks. The new "Writing" class is shitty to teach and the kids don't seem to like it. I have one particular class that has children that were obviously conceived in hell. That's mean, right? Well...they're just a horrible class.
**I lost 4 pounds last week but I think it was only because, daily, I would leave work feeling like I had to vomit and, thus, didn't end up really wanting to eat food for the remainder of the day. I owe the nausea to that hell-class.
**It's rained like crazy for the past two Fridays. I am worried it will rain on our wedding day. We're getting married inside the reception venue and all but still...clear skies would be pleasant.
**I have 150 "writing journals" at work that I have to grade. In about one week, I will have 150 essays to grade. I did the math and even if i only spend 5 minutes per grading task, to grade 150 it will take 750 minutes. That's depressing. Why couldn't I teach math?
**Our apartment is a literal pigsty. I feel like taking a trash can and tossing everything out. Ex: Do I really need a March 2002 issue of Details magazine with Ethan Hawke on the cover? Apparently, yes.
**The bastard cat scratched my face today. It was unintentional but it still hurt quite a bit.

Muse

Sometimes (often times), someone else's words will "do the trick." Stumbled across this poem by William Stafford. I want to be someone's muse!

When I Met My Muse

I glanced at her and took my glasses
off--they were still singing. They buzzed
like a locust on the coffee table and then
ceased. Her voice belled forth, and the
sunlight bent. I felt the ceiling arch, and
knew that nails up there took a new grip
on whatever they touched. "I am your own
way of looking at things," she said. "When
you allow me to live with you, every
glance at the world around you will be
a sort of salvation." And I took her hand.

William Stafford

Reunion

Recently, I've been getting emails about my class reunion. No biggie---it was just an idea that was "up in the air." I didn't think it would ever come to fruition.

Today, I got an Evite for the reunion. Was hoping that it would be around the wedding or honeymoon and that I would have a legit excuse [for myself] to not go. However, it is at a convenient time which I could attend. I have mixed emotions.

Even though high school was fun and there was little responsibility, when I think of those years in detail, I actually realize that I detested them. I had really bad skin and was overweight; this made me incredibly insecure and shy. I was incredibly focused on academics and was very anxiety-ridden. That has since changed, thank goodness. Most of all, most of the people I came into contact with at my high school were asses.

So the thought of paying $ to spend an evening with them at a shit bar [classy, eh?], just does not sit well with me. Sure, I could go to the reunion and show how much better I am now---secure with myself, confident, blah blah blah. But why give those people that pleasure? Why should I care what they think?

Still--part of me thinks that if I don't show up, people will think I am some kind of loser and have no life, or that I am embarrassed at what I have made of myself.

Again, I really shouldn't care what they think. But I think this is a constant struggle we all feel---- that we say we "don't care" what others think---- but in many ways, we do. We wouldn't be human if we didn't care what others thought and didn't want to seek their validation.

On a positive note, I saw a brief glimpse of this "special" on Debbie Gibson. It made me think we should definitely play "Lost In Your Eyes" during the dinner hour at the wedding. Rock on.

My Own Personal Flea Market

The inside of our apartment has turned into an "upscale" flea market of sorts. People have been sending wedding gifts and the giant Bed Bath and Beyond boxes are all over the place. I don't understand why a gigantic box is needed for a picture frame. People are idiots too. I know John's family is throwing me a shower--a "surprise" shower. Someone recently gave John a gift for us and the card was entitled "For Your Wedding Shower" and was dated 9/6/08. I'm so annoyed. I love surprises --mainly because I am near impossible to surprise. Lisa said, "No, no, that person is wrong. That's not the date!" but I think she was just trying to be sweet.

But all these wedding gifts just seem so silly. I don't "get" the need for pre-wedding gifts. I'm not complaining, but it just seems a bit much. Most of the gifts have been Michelle picks, which irritates John to no end: picture frames, tea kettles, toasting flutes, etc.

Besides the wedding, the schoolyear is beginning soon. I am going to miss my afternoons of leisure...mainly sitting on my ass, reading for a bit, watching a movie or two, doing some small shopping, driving aimlessly, etc.

The past few nights though, I've already felt fragments of autumn in the air---my favorite time of the year. My blood pressure is low as it is but once autumn arrives, it's like all heart palpitations leave my body. I am incredibly relaxed and mellow. Can't wait.

Teacher Clones

Ok, yes, I think that I have a job that's worthy of respect... I think I am "attempting" to lead the minds of tomorrow down the right paths today...yadda yadda yadda....

But I can't help but notice that so many fellow teachers are incredibly irritating.

I went out to lunch with some teachers last week. They all [seriously] had Coach purses with them (or Nine West for the subtler ones). They all had this silverish watch on. I don't know what it is called or what brand it is because I just look at my cell phone. Before the time of me carrying a cell phone, I'd politely go up to strangers and ask what time it was. I've never been a watch person. They all talk about their condos or townhouses. And then the rings... it's like every teacher I know in the age bracket from 25-30 has an engagement ring on her finger. And all the rings look similar... band of diamonds...and this one diamond jutting out in the middle.

I know I shouldn't waste my time looking [or writing...or thinking!] about other people. But... I don't know...I feel so different from so many of them. But I somehow do not think that makes me the odd one out. I think they are the odd ones.

I know we go on and on about materialism and consumption, but it just seems to be so true and evident. And it annoys me that I see so many people in my profession with those same kinds of beliefs. Don't get me wrong. I buy stuff... there's things I want. But I feel like "myself" most of the time, like me. I don't look around and feel like I am everyone else.

And this is NOT to say that I think I am unique or original. But surely, these girls who I lunched with cannot be THAT similar. It's just bizarre, that's all.

But I think that when you have "educators" acting like they're part of some clone wars experiment, people do lose respect for them.

Like some weird version of Professional Stepford Wives.

Back on the blog

Wow---it's been a LONG time since I have blogged. During the day, I constantly have thoughts and imagine sitting down later in the day and jotting down those thoughts here. Somehow that never happens. And the amusing or funny or witty thoughts that I had drifting around my mind--well, they disappear.

Today though..I noticed something I have been noticing for awhile...

What's up with huge engagement rings? Like engagement rings where the diamond is raised real high, a la weapon mode? I don't get it. Aesthetically, I think it is unattractive. Also, the "raised diamond" just seems intentionally showy...which I guess it is. You can't really raise a little diamond all too high. Also--I don't know, it seems like your ring would constantly get caught on clothing, etc.

I think that setting is called Marquise...I heard the word thrown around from a friend. She "wanted" a Marquise setting, 1 1/2 carats, blah blah blah.

The whole wedding planning is crazy. I don't think we would "really" do this, but amidst the planning of invitation fonts/thermography, dress fittings, song selections, ceremony readings selections, etc, flying off to somewhere other than here sounds DIVINE. John's family is huge and fairly close-knit. I know the idea of eloping wouldn't necessarily go over all too well with them. But it just seems easier.

I, however, like to stick to the mindset that things are only as complicated as I let them be. I'm trying to stay as minimal frills as possible.

But back to the ring. Women just seem so obsessed with it. John and I have been together 8 years. I never "prodded" or forced him to propose. I think I ONCE uttered, "If you ever propose to me, use the diamond that my Mom gave to me." It's a half carat or 3/4 and was from a necklace setting. I didn't want him going broke to buy me a ring.

The whole American wedding is over the top and ridiculous.

Like a nerd, I recalled reading a book about the American wedding "dream" about a year ago...I checked my book journal [that's the nerd status qualifier] and got the title: One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. And they say you "can't buy love." Whoever said that was not from the U.S., I'm guessing.

Blimpie

I TRY not to be one of those girls who constantly exclaims, "I'm so fat! My thighs are gross! I disgust myself," but lately that's what I feel like. I'm not vocalizing those thoughts aloud but they are constantly crossing my mind. When I was HUGE in freshman year of college, those thoughts didnt really pass my mind. I knew I was big and unhealthy but that was basically all I had ever known myself as, so I didn't pay that much mind to it. Going to an all female college where your looks didnt really matter helped to make me less aware of my...girth.

After meeting John, I lost some weight...maybe 20 pounds at the most...but it made such a difference.

Now... I just feel big again. It's frustrating. I eat healthy stuff, for the most part...but have no control over serving sizes. I've "started" Weight Watchers countless times, but whenever I make a mistake and binge, I simply write off the regimen and go back to normal.

Now I'm at the point where I think I will join John's mom and go to the Weight Watchers meetings and fully "join." Honestly, I wish someone took calipers to me and was just like, "You're fat." I need something to motivate me.

I'm hoping that the weekly weigh-ins will somehow motivate me. The thing is...now I know what I "could be" and I want to be that....

Why is it that Europeans don't seem to have this problem? So many are tall, slender, and UNobsessed with food....

FREE

"The stars were in alignment today," or however that saying goes. After work, I drove to drop off my final paper and then rushed back onto route 46... hopped onto 80W and cruised onto 287south...with no traffic whatsoever, despite the fact that it was 4:45 in the afternoon. Amazing.

Handing in the final paper just feels like such a weight has been lifted. It wasn't even that the paper was "that" much work; I worked on it in dribs and drabs; it wasn't like I completed it in one 10 hour cram session. Just having to hand it in though... I felt like May 5 would never arrive.

It's smooth sailing from here...wow...cliches abound this evening.

Wish I had some plans of debauchery, but can't say I do. Next step is to clean the apartment, which includes getting through the many mounds of laundry sitting all over the place.... have tons of DVDs by my bedside that are waiting to be watched.

It was a non-humid 75 degrees out today. The air in the evening is cool, but not torturous. The smell of freshly cut grass is a commonality. Class trips, assemblies, half-days and other time wasters are just around the corner...and PNC concert season is almost here. Things are good. :)

Obsession

Lately, I've been obsessed with paperweights. I have them all over my desk at work. I'd have them at home, but Lola and Flash are ultra frisky and have a tendency to knock things over and break them. I have visions of coming home from work and seeing broken shards all over...hence, leaving all of them at work.

I've even bought a few paperweights from Ebay. Of course, they look grand and beautiful in digital photo form but when I finally get them in the mail, they're not as luminous as I would have hoped for.

Was in the city with Jaime awhile ago and we passed by a store that had tons of paperweights in its display window. I figured, "Why not go in?" Was not ready to see pricetags of $100+.

I guess what fascinates me is the collision of colors. They remind me of kaleidoscopes.

I guess part of the fascination is also connected to my father. I don't remember much about him, but I do recall that on his workdesk, there were various paperweights. Most vividly, I recall a paperweight that had a bright orange and mustard yellow color combination.

I might try to sneak one or two real nice paperweights onto the wedding registry...

Tears of Happiness?

I don't know what's going on with me, but lately I have been crying at just about everything. Don't know if it can be attributed to some weird emotional change in me now that I am becoming a bride... or maybe I'm being affected by not being on birth control anymore. All I know is that I cry at a wide array of things.

I wouldn't say that it is excessive crying, but anyone who knows me knows that it takes quite a bit to make me cry. Sometimes I cry amidst obvious moments. When we met with the priest and were discussing the marriage ceremony, he asked, "Why do you want to marry John?" All I could do was look over at John and then, while crying, say, "Because I love him." He then answered the priest's same question with this amazingly complex answer... which, in retrospect, makes me laugh. My answer involved crying so it is "better," so I claim:)

I've been crying at stupid things lately... American Idol being a prime example...or The Biggest Loser. Reality shows are not intended to make people cry...in fact, they're supposed to provoke the opposite response: pointing at the tv screen, laughing, being shocked, being amazed, but not being drawn to tears.

I also just watched the movie Once...The movie's main song, "Falling Slowly," made me cry. The movie has the song within it at least 3 times... all 3 times, it had the same effect on me.

I don't think this phenomenon is a bad thing...it's just different for me. And I can only imagine my wedding day. My emotions, whether happy or sad, seem to stay within me and then suddenly, they explode. I think I should invest in Kleenex stock before October.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

Dolly Parton--a deep thinker?

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain..." ---yes, indeed---a quote by Dolly Parton.

Our students are prepping for state testing and we're encouraging them to use quotations in opening sentences....so cheesy quotations are hanging up all over the school. I actually don't mind that Dolly Parton quotation--although I can't ever imagine admitting to "quoting" Dolly Parton.

Things have felt down lately... I don't know, it might just be my reflection on today. I felt so out of it at work, so tired... not even caffeine tablets could energize me.

Wedding planning is going okay. I honestly don't get why people freak out. If you take it one step at a time, it's manageable. Am freaking out a bit because John's mom showed me the guest list for their side and it is 120. I'm not too picky but I totally want to avoid having tables of 10; 10 at a table is so incredibly crowded. If they have 120, just on their side, it will be tables of 10. I'm hoping for people to RSVP "No." ;-)

Work kind of sucks. The kids are off the wall and understandably so. Spring break is eons away. I know I shouldn't complain because other people hardly get any time off, in comparison to what teachers get...but we need this break...badly.

Also... I think I got scammed on Ebay:( It's only a 7 dollar pair of earrings, but I'm annoyed. AFTER purchasing the item, I looked at the seller's feedback and some people mentioned they never got their item. 2 weeks later, I am still waiting for mine:(

I know none of what I am feeling now is anything all too tragic or horrible. I just feel like I am living life as if I am a pause button on a CD player...no moving forward, backward, or anywhere. God, that sounds pathetic and angsty. I think I just need to get some sleep.

Transcription Junction

Just had to transcribe a 45 minute interview. Of course, I searched "guidelines for transcribing an interview" online and found, much to my dismay, that for every hour of recorded interview, you should be prepared for 4-6 hours of transcription.

I started this assignment on Sunday for an hour. That's all I could take. Worked on it today for an hour and a half, and another hour later. So, the timing is just about right.

It was one of the most tedious tasks ever. I felt like some kind of secretarial robot. It wasn't a hard task, per say. It didn't require intelligence or anything. It was just incredibly tedious and required patience.

I'm so nerdy, the next time I write a paper for class, I'm sure I will think something along the lines of, "This is so freeing. Not having to transcribe and having the ability to be more creative with my wording..."

And by the way...can it snow again? Screw spring coming early. Next vacation isn't until April 22nd and I need a day or two off before then. The DVDs are piling up on my nightstand: La Vie En Rose, From Here to Eternity, Just a Kiss, Chisholm '72, Eastern Promises, Blind Dating, Ira and Abby....Also would love to read something that has no mention of informal reading assessments, graphic organizers, or Fry readability stats...

Brainmush

Yikes. Strange things are a'-brewin' in my mind. I have not gotten to sleep for the past few nights until after 12. I drive home from work and pieces of litter in the roadway suddenly "come to life" and I somehow mistake them for small animals.

I feel overwhelmed with work lately. Am giving out open-ended response assignments and guiding students through them, yet they seem to be making the same errors over and over. I feel like they disregard my comments. It is incredibly irritating. When I sit down and grade a batch of papers, I feel like it is a waste of time.

Am completing tutoring sessions for a grad school class and have no idea if I am tutoring well. Yesterday and today were the first two sessions. I have just been doing assessments, but now I don't know what to do with all of that information. I just feel frustrated, in general.

Snow Day Nothingness

Well, we got a snow day from school. Don't know exactly why. It was lightly snowing last night and then did change to ice, but now it is about 40 degrees outside. And for ONCE, I actually cleaned off my car tonight, in order to make this morning easier...a fruitless effort since by the time this morning arrived, the snow had dissipated anyway.

Snow days are odd. I always have these idealized visions of doing things around the apartment, reading, going to the gym (because generally the snow days I get are not anything comparable to REAL snow)...I always end up making breakfast for John (guilt over the fact that he has to go to work), watching however many minutes of a talk show that I can tolerate (this morning it was about 8 minutes of a "You're the daddy and you know it!" paternity episode of Maury), and then falling asleep. Woke up around noon and decided to make myself even more comatose by eating leftover Chinese food...that stuff is like the elixir of great sleep. Then watched the Adam Sandler/Done Cheadle movie Reign Over Me. Cried two to three times during the movie. Not like it was anything super emotional but I don't know...I've been overly emotional lately. EVEN cried during the Grammys. Maybe it is excitement over being married... or feeling overwhelmed by it all. I don't know.

Point is this: for once I wish one of my snow days from work would be a real, hardcore blizzard-like snowday....then I would not feel so guilty about wasting the day away....

The Quest for Tacky Earrings continues....

You know how when you get a gift from a family member that you're obligated to wear it at least once....to show that "you like it?" Case in point.... I vividly recall a sweatsuit set I got in 5th grade. Pink pants and sweatshirt... the shirt had a big gumball machine on it and on parts of the shirt and pants were large, circular, gumball-esque things. I can't believe I ever wore it.

Kids today know so much and are such smartasses, if I had the outfit now I'd probably be the target of lines like, "Hey, you have balls all over you." I actually heard someone repeatedly exclaim "Boner!!!" at the end of the schoolday today. I don't know who the culprit was... I don't think I want to.

Back to story.

A few years back I got a pair of dangly earrings from John's aunt and uncle. I used to be a plain Jane, studs-only type of gal. I started wearing the dangly earrings and have since formed somewhat of an addiction. I even tried winning Xmas Troll dangly earrings on Ebay this December but lost the auction.

Despite not being a football fan and not really caring that much about the Giants' victory (although it's awesome that the Patriots were 18-0 and lost it all at the Superbowl...priceless), I've been searching like a lunatic for dangly Giants Superbowl Championship earrings. Found some real tacky ones at the official Giants website. Tacky dangly earrings pair #-who-knows-what, here I come...

Slam it to the left, if you're having a good time

I don't know if it is the BEST $4.99 that I have ever spent but for this weekend, it comes close. Victoria's Secret is still having remnants of their semi-annual sale. How can stuff still cost 15 bucks or more when it is 75% off, I have no idea. Spice Girls' Greatest Hits CD was "exclusively" released by Victoria's Secret...and was in their clearance bin for under 5 bucks. I had to indulge. "Greatest Hits" is a bit of a misnomer...tons of bands have greatest hits albums when they only had 2 or 3 "real" top hits. This one has "Wannabe," "Spice Up Your Life," and one of my faves: "2 Become 1," spelled just like that too. It's a hilarious attempt at a sexy and romantic song.

The Spice Girls are a conundrum. When they came out, it was also about "Girl Power," but I also think they were about society's acceptance of having semi-trashy women as girls' role models. "Wannabe" in itself, if you read the lyrics "deeply, [which I am sure is NOT the intention] almost seems like it's about some big girl-on-girl orgy. Weird. It's funny that they're the Spice Girls because the Spice Channel is a pay-per-view channel featuring pornography... Also, the Spice Girls were kind of trampy...well...mainly Ginger Spice...but still, it was enough trampiness for the 5 of the girls.

I just think it is weird how we have these female singers who are so sexual and have sexually suggestive lyrics, yet somehow they become role models for little girls.

Don't even get me started with Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus...that girl is so artificially made up. Looking @ her is like looking at one of those statues in Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum...

Annoyed

So---it's the end of the marking period. Grades are due and as I grade homework, quizzes, and projects and am in a frenzy, I think, "What's the point of this?" It all just gets annoying. I like to believe in effort and improvement (although not that much---am a true pessimist), but this is what happens: the kids who get A's always get A's and the kids who do shit work end the marking period with D's or F's....or with, god forbid, C's. It pisses me off how a C is considered "unsatisfactory" by so many students and their parents.

Truth of the matter is we're all not little geniuses. Most of us fall in the middle, are "average." How is it that most of us are average but if you looked at school records where I work, a VAST majority of kids are getting mostly A's and B's?

Work has been so annoying lately. I'm there later than everyone else and wonder, "What am I doing wrong?" The special ed teachers, one specifically, piss me off. We have this one teacher who just has no sense of planning or creativity with his lesson plans....none whatsoever. And he just coasts along. He has small classes of 3 or 4 students----this guy won't get fired or anything... he somehow managed to get tenure and now will be at our school for awhile. It pisses me off.

Am maybe going to get all New Agey and start writing daily affirmations...or reading them. Today, after a shitty day at work, I wrote to myself: Don't let people control you---control yourself.

We'll see.

One Perfect Day

Read a book over the summer--- One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, by Rebecca Mead. The book basically talked about bridezilla culture and how it almost is unavoidable. It contrasted wedding from years ago to weddings of today; some time was spent discussing the "almighty" bridal expo shows that are put on and make planning a wedding seem like THE most important and ONLY thing one should be focusing on for a year+.

We put the initial deposit down for the ceremony/reception place. While talking to an employee, we were offered extra such as raw seafood bar and extra dessert table/chocolate fountain. I don't think any of those things are necesary. In regard to the chocolate fountain/ dessert spread, John's mom said, "But I havent been to a wedding where I haven't seen one of those."

And I guess that is what has fueled this bridal culture--the idea that you don't want to be "the one" who didn't have something at her wedding that countless others have had at theirs.

My friend Valerie is also getting married and has booked the Madison Hotel. Was looking at their website and thinking of how beautiful that place is for a wedding. I feel like I am slowly being sucked into the bridal culture. Like..I LOVE where we are getting married, but I quickly see myself comparing it to where my friend will get married.

In the end, the place, dessert options, chair covers, etc should not matter. It's the people who really make the event special.

I have to just keep that idea in my head continuously. Maybe I could even be ultra philosophical and keep one of Hamlet's most well-known mantras in my mind too: "To thine own self be true."

Honeydew and apple red

Wow--haven't blogged in over a month. Feels odd. But at least I don't feel compelled to do an entry on New Year's resolutions or how refreshing it is that a new year has arrived. It'd be a little unseasonal, being that it is January 16th.

Nights are terribly annoying. I can't get to sleep at a "decent hour." 11:45 is usually when I wind up getting into bed. Am usually asleep around 12. I wake up and feel like this machine that just has to keep moving, otherwise I will stop dead in my tracks. It's not something that is that bad---it's really annoying though.

So...John proposed. Friends have asked, "Oooh what is the story? Tell me exactly how he did it." I feel like tying up a transcript and distributing copies of it. The best part of the story that I feel is necessary to say is that I had no idea he was going to propose. I didn't help him pick out a ring or anything either and he did an amazing job. He didn't know my ring size so he told the lady at the jeweler's, "She is 5'5", about 150 pounds, and has big feet." Priceless. The lady apparently was "large" and John went with a ring size that fit her---it didnt fit me. We had a whole debacle of me wearing the ring on my pinkie finger until it got resized.

Wedding details are drifting into place. Everyone acts like it is crazy hard to plan one but I think it is only as complicated as you make it. Am quickly realizing how much everything costs though. According to one website I saw, on average, couples will spend $38,300 for their wedding in New York, Northern New Jersey, Long Island NY, NJ, PA. That's crazy. This state is ridiculous. John and I have "good jobs" and can't afford a house...not even in a shitty area. That's scary. And the wedding...I'm trying to keep costs as low as possible. It's hard though.

John's mom and sister are "on board" to help me plan. Last night we sifted through 6 or 7 bridal magazines. I got bored after about 15 minutes. They proceeded looking and pointing things out.

Thus far--- wedding on October 24 of this year. Can't wait to incorporate leaf-inspired invitations, favors, etc. John is obsessed with red and I am obsessed with green. Neither of us is budging on our color preferences. John's mom and sister seem to have found some common ground for us in the shades of honeydew and "deep" apple red. I love how color names are so vivid...and often food-related. Favorite one: Crayola's Macaroni and Cheese.

Freedom...for two days

Yes!!! I am done with my final project for my grad school class. It was a pain and there was no possibility of bullshitting anything within the project, which poses an extra challenge.

Feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...but obviously my mind is still too mushy right now to make up non-cliched statements. I still haven't met with the professor yet and I am sure changes will have to be made...but for two days, I can relax.

Feel like sitting down and watching a stupid romantic comedy. Actually watched a movie called Imagine Me and You this morning (pre-paper ritual....otherwise known as procrastination). The movie was British and was about a couple that recently got married. Rachel [main character] begins feeling attraction toward the female florist who helped out with the wedding, Luce. What I liked about it was that it didn't take the American "comedic" take of how film addresses people discovering their newfound sexuality. The movie was realistic and the intimate scenes with the women were innocent and non-gratuitous. I now also have a new hair role model...Piper Perabo's hair in the movie is awesome...cascading curls, but the kind that look like they require no effort at all.

Can't believe Christmas is around the corner either. Haven't started shopping. Someone in my grad class said she has been so busy with class that she told her family that they should celebrate Christmas in January...I'm beginning to think the same thing.

Ew. Ick. Gross.

Was coming out from Moe’s tonight (Thursday night is lazy night--- takeout food of some kind + an episode of The Office). Had on my favorite pair of brown “work pants” and my winter coat---a Land’s End men’s coat. I don’t think it necessarily looks like a guy’s coat but it certainly is not feminine. Also had on my comfy clog-like shoes. I seem to boycott shoes that do not simply slip on your foot—no straps, buckles, laces, or any of that.

As I walked to my car, this scraggly-looking guy came up to me. His celebrity look-alike would be Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. Longish, frizzy, brown hair pulled into a loose ponytail… beard…heavyset. He asked, “Do you know the time?” Being totally aware of my surroundings,…because I’ve seen far too many news stories about being approached in a parking lot, having your “guard” down, and then something bad happening… I replied that I didn’t have a watch but that I estimated it was around 8:15. I started walking away. Then, he said, “Have you ever thought of modeling?”

LIKE I HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT THE WHOLE MODELING SCAM ON TV.

I tried to remain cordial and quickly said, “I am a full-time teacher and student”— He asked, “You’ve never thought about modeling?” This was being said to someone in a black men’s coat, brown pants, and Easy Spirit-esque shoes. Hilarious. No make-up either. And exiting a fast food place with a giant bag of food.

You’d think he would walk up to someone with Uggs, low-rise jeans, and a Juicy hoodie instead.

The most “typical” part… when he left, he went over to his vehicle…a mini-van.

I was so freaked out. On my drive home, I was literally saying, “Ew, fucking gross, ick” repeatedly, out loud.

Black Friday Vampire

John had to work today and had to wake up @ 430AM! I don't know--on days like these, I feel guilty sleeping in when he has to work and deal with a line of 100+ people all vying for the 40 Nintendo Wiis that are on hand.

I was looking @ sale circulars last night and Kohls had some great stuff on sale. I thought, I'll wake up with John and go to Kohls...why not? I SERIOUSLY did not think it would be crowded. Got to Kohls @ 5...the parking lot was packed, there were no shopping carts left, and @ the jewelry counter they gave you numbered tickets as if you were on line @ the deli.

All went smoothly. I know Adbusters is hosting Buy Nothing Day today but, honestly, I will be buying gifts for Christmas. Might as well buy them today and save some money.

After Kohls I went to Target and made it back to the apartment before the official time of sunrise.

No more shopping today.

What I noticed @ 5AM was the "comraderie" at the store. People were polite and were sharing holiday tales with each other on line. The lady in front of me was telling me how she was buying some things for herself, "for once." The woman behind me told me an anecdote of last year--her friend and her went to Kohls, Macys, Pennys, Target, etc and were back to their houses by 10 AM.

Despite the HUGE line....I'd estimate there were 100 people in front of me on line @ the registers.... I somehow think that there was this courtesy in the air because we had all ventured to Kohls at an insane hour.

But there's no way I'd want to be in any shopping mall later today.

Grading sucks

I remember knowing people when I grew up that LOVED to help the teacher grade papers...i.e objective multiple choice tests. I mean, they truly got euphoric when they were allowed to write the BIG C's [for correct] and x out wrong answers in red ink (This was in the early 90s before the purple-ink-let's-not-hurt-self-esteem-w/-red-ink days). I never was that type.

And now... sitting in front of the computer on Sunday night at 6:15, I still am not one of those types. I detest grading tests, quizzes, and written work. Multiple choice quizzes are a waste of time because the kids could just as easily grade the quizzes and we have to go over them in class anyway. Must manage time better so I can have the students grade them. Right now I am also grading book reviews that my 8th graders wrote. Grading them is completely aggravating because most of them ignore marks/comments that I suggested upon reading their rough drafts. I don't get it... is it laziness? is it ageism (I'm one of the youngest 8th gr teachers and I honestly believe some of those kids think I do not know what I am talking about when it comes to writing, etc)? Is it not caring?

Whatever it is, it's headache-inducing. Maybe I care too much...that's probably it. For instance, when I am grading and notice 3 or 4 students in a row who did badly on the quiz, I put the folder of quizzes in my bag and ignore it...because I feel i have taught concepts well enough and failure pisses me off.

Just have to stop thinking so much, I think. Wish I could be like the teacher across the hall. She always has an immaculate desk, free of papers or reminder-notes. At the end of the day, bam!, she's out the door at 2:30....

I haven't reached robot levels yet.

Peeing, Procrastination, The Notebook

Peeing...procrastination...The Notebook...all of the dots will be connected soon.

I usually hate starting out writings with quotes; it just seems like the way a weak writer would start something out. I found this quote online and liked it though...

"Procrastination is, hands down, our favorite form of self-sabotage.” (Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby)

Have a paper due for my class. I've done the observations for the paper and have tons of pages of sloppy notes to prove it. I just haven't felt like sitting done and writing the paper. I decided to go for the Masters of Reading b/c I got sick of analyzing novels and writing literary papers. In the end, I'll do no good to the world if I can analyze a Kafka book or some other piece of lit that someone else has inevitably already taken apart and put back together.

The paper for this class is annoying though. Statistics... I hate statistics. They're so boring to write about. You can't throw in any vivid adjectives where there are statistics.

Back to the subject line.

So...today...I SO did not want to start this paper. This morning I was purposely consuming massive amounts of water so as to make myself have to pee...thus making myself not be able to sit down at the computer, "hunker down," and concentrate.

At 1:oo, I finally decided to leave the house and go to the library to work on the paper. Wrote close to 7 pages but feel that I am nowhere near done. Worse, I worry that some of the 7 pages I already wrote is repetitive drivel.

When I got home, I decided to reward myself for my hard work...and eyestrain. Needed a movie that required no thought at all. Popped The Notebook into the DVD player. I just got to the scene where I always feel the need to roll my eyes.... Allie and Noah have reunited... Noah tells Allie he wrote her every day for a year and that "It wasn't over." Immediately after, he says "It still [emphasis] isn't over" and pulls her into a kiss.

Cheesiness!

Yet...I'll still watch the movie to the end...