Such a contradiction--- thinking that it is ridiculous that people constantly update their Twitter, Facebook, Myspace--- but the same time consciously being "concerned" that I don't have a lot of "friends" on those social networking sites--- Trying to do better things with my time--- finding myself sitting online and doing just about nothing productive with my time.
At 28, I mean, I guess I feel "mature"--- in some ways. But I feel like I've been in my current state for awhile. I've definitely changed over the past few years, feeling more confident probably being the biggest change--- but parts of me still feel like I'm not that far off from how I used to be.
I sometimes laugh at the popularity of certain bands and artists. Take Fall Out Boy. Pete Wentz is MY AGE--- but still dressing in skin tight, colored jeans a la Hot Topic---still getting tons of fans in the middle school/high school age group. Makes me think about music choices too. How do your music choices transcend time?
I, like every teenage girl, had Alanis Morrissette's Jagged Little Pill--- back in '95. Morissette was 21 when the album came out--- I'm sure some of the songs were written earlier than when she was 21 but, nonetheless, most of the album seemed reflective of her experiences. . . . I was 15 but somehow felt "connected" to the album...somehow felt I could relate to the anger in "You Oughtta Know," in addition to other songs... despite not even reaching the rite of passage of first kiss, let alone having someone fuck you and then leave.
I listened to that album today. Also listened to some old Fiona Apple albums recently. The albums still resonate with me. This leads me to asking--- is it nostalgia... or just pathetic?
At least I can feel happy with myself knowing that I will not utter that I feel "connected" to those albums. After a few tracks, the whining, angst-ridden lyrics get pretty aggravating.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Rainy Days and Mondays
It probably ages me significantly---the fact that I think of that song whenever it rains on a Monday. I remember when I was 7 or 8. They had this TV special on Karen Carpenter--- a mini-movie made for TV. I remember being fascinated--- the whole anorexia thing. How someone could get herself to a point of looking so frail-- and how no one really stopped her.
I'm not a huge Carpenters fan. Always thought the closeness between Richard and Karen was kind of weird too. But I do appreciate listening to the greatest hits album every once in awhile.
I love rainy days. With the exception of blow drying/styling my hair and then having the rain fuck it up, I love rainy days. They somehow energize me. I laugh at how people scurry around quickly, attempting to not get a single drop of rain water on themselves. Traffic is another thing. People just become possessed by some craziness. Suddenly, it's 5:00 and there's a constant stream of ambulance lights glittering up and down the highway. You hear police sirens more often, or so it seems.
The best time is before it rains too--- when you can smell the wetness in the air, smell earthiness, mixed in with the scent of asphalt--it does have a scent.
I'm not a huge Carpenters fan. Always thought the closeness between Richard and Karen was kind of weird too. But I do appreciate listening to the greatest hits album every once in awhile.
I love rainy days. With the exception of blow drying/styling my hair and then having the rain fuck it up, I love rainy days. They somehow energize me. I laugh at how people scurry around quickly, attempting to not get a single drop of rain water on themselves. Traffic is another thing. People just become possessed by some craziness. Suddenly, it's 5:00 and there's a constant stream of ambulance lights glittering up and down the highway. You hear police sirens more often, or so it seems.
The best time is before it rains too--- when you can smell the wetness in the air, smell earthiness, mixed in with the scent of asphalt--it does have a scent.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Melange of Sunday night thoughts
I don't know why I waste my time so much. I go through phases... sometimes I want to be out and about A LOT. This weekend was filled with a lot of sleep...mostly from avoidance of the grad school paper/presentation due tuesday. I worry the professor will ask some question about my research methods, seeking an answer from me which includes words like "standard deviation, correlation, etc." I'm worried I won't have an answer. But honestly...the worst that can happen is I simply say, "I don't know." It's just some stupid paper anyway.
The thing I did accomplish this weekend was going to the gym 3x in a row. Mostly lazy workouts though...elliptical. Lots of elliptical. Despite taking the weight training class, I still can't make my way over to the weights area. I just feel uncomfortable.
Just was going through my quote journal and re-reading some things. Despite having sad undertones, Bernhard Schlink's THE READER has some beautiful language, some lovely words about love too. I enjoy how a literary piece could be about the most gloomy topic, yet still have some rays of joy shining through. Another book vivid in my mind is Jarhead. Whole book about being amidst war, but I recall two or three pages in which the author describes getting ready to come back to the US. The night before leaving, he made love to a Japanese girl who he had known awhile; she had a boyfriend that had recently returned to her too. But Anthony Swofford's language is beautiful: "I sucked her breath from her mouth and she bit my tongue until it bled. As the sun broke into the barracks, we wept, and she kissed my chest softly."
It was annoying when they made Jarhead into a movie because the movie... sucked. And I'm pretty certain that the lovely aforementioned scene was definitely not included.
Onto other topics: Spring is here! Frankly, the beautiful daytime weather leads to instant slackerdom... I just want to sit outside and read all day. I'm happy that the trees are flowering too. Wish I knew the names of the "species," or phylum...or whatever word categorizes trees more specifically.
The thing I did accomplish this weekend was going to the gym 3x in a row. Mostly lazy workouts though...elliptical. Lots of elliptical. Despite taking the weight training class, I still can't make my way over to the weights area. I just feel uncomfortable.
Just was going through my quote journal and re-reading some things. Despite having sad undertones, Bernhard Schlink's THE READER has some beautiful language, some lovely words about love too. I enjoy how a literary piece could be about the most gloomy topic, yet still have some rays of joy shining through. Another book vivid in my mind is Jarhead. Whole book about being amidst war, but I recall two or three pages in which the author describes getting ready to come back to the US. The night before leaving, he made love to a Japanese girl who he had known awhile; she had a boyfriend that had recently returned to her too. But Anthony Swofford's language is beautiful: "I sucked her breath from her mouth and she bit my tongue until it bled. As the sun broke into the barracks, we wept, and she kissed my chest softly."
It was annoying when they made Jarhead into a movie because the movie... sucked. And I'm pretty certain that the lovely aforementioned scene was definitely not included.
Onto other topics: Spring is here! Frankly, the beautiful daytime weather leads to instant slackerdom... I just want to sit outside and read all day. I'm happy that the trees are flowering too. Wish I knew the names of the "species," or phylum...or whatever word categorizes trees more specifically.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Getting ahead
Today, I came to a conclusion. Getting ahead does not necessarily have to do with being smart, being talented, or even being good at what you do. A lot of times, the people who get ahead are the ones who get off their ass and actually try to move forward. They take that first step. They are the ones would laugh at my "Procrastinators unite!!... tomorrow" t shirt but would never make that motto a part of their daily life.
I am looking to change positions at work. No, there would be no pay increase. No, I will not have more "power" or authority. Rather, I will simply be happier...or so I think.
This current Writing class they have me teaching is bullshit. The kids don't like it as much as they liked the Reading "supplemental" class---and they barely tolerated that class, as it was. Also, my class numbers are ridiculous. Three different preps, 150 WRITING students. The Language Arts teachers have 90 students. Totally unfair. It's just a shitty situation.
There's an opening for a Basic Skills/Gifted and Talented instructor. The preps would suck. It's all three grade levels, both Basic Skills in Math and LA and the Gifted/Talented curriculum. BUT... the light at the end of the tunnel, you ask? Significantly smaller class numbers. Also--the students have the class in "cycles." so as soon as I got through the prep work for cycle one, I'd be able to repeat it.
I told the principal I was interested, but have not done anything beyond that to attempt to "secure" my position in the job. A co-worker told me to write a letter in which I state my qualifications. 1] I am lazy, but 2] I feel like a jackass--"stating my qualifications."
There's someone else interested in the position. I think I can do way better than her. So...guess I should sit my ass down and prepare to be a jackass and write my letter of qualification... The alternative is another year of this Writing hell...
I am looking to change positions at work. No, there would be no pay increase. No, I will not have more "power" or authority. Rather, I will simply be happier...or so I think.
This current Writing class they have me teaching is bullshit. The kids don't like it as much as they liked the Reading "supplemental" class---and they barely tolerated that class, as it was. Also, my class numbers are ridiculous. Three different preps, 150 WRITING students. The Language Arts teachers have 90 students. Totally unfair. It's just a shitty situation.
There's an opening for a Basic Skills/Gifted and Talented instructor. The preps would suck. It's all three grade levels, both Basic Skills in Math and LA and the Gifted/Talented curriculum. BUT... the light at the end of the tunnel, you ask? Significantly smaller class numbers. Also--the students have the class in "cycles." so as soon as I got through the prep work for cycle one, I'd be able to repeat it.
I told the principal I was interested, but have not done anything beyond that to attempt to "secure" my position in the job. A co-worker told me to write a letter in which I state my qualifications. 1] I am lazy, but 2] I feel like a jackass--"stating my qualifications."
There's someone else interested in the position. I think I can do way better than her. So...guess I should sit my ass down and prepare to be a jackass and write my letter of qualification... The alternative is another year of this Writing hell...
Monday, April 06, 2009
Wow. First a reed, then Cameron
Awesome times, really. Ok...so I am doing well with losing weight. Last night, Val's fiance said, "Where are your hips?" I didn't tell him and Val that I was doing Weight Watchers. I hate telling people I am watching my weight/on a diet plan. Then, each time they see you, they expect to see this monumental change in your weight....and it doesn't happen that way.
But last night David was like, "Where are your hips? You've lost weight." It cracks me up that guys mistake "chunk" on the sides of your body for hips. I mean...geez...I still have hips--just have a little less chunk.
John's aunt saw me about a month ago and said, "Oh my gosh! You're a reed." Seriously, the biggest compliment I have ever gotten:)
Last night at karaoke, Siler said I remind him of Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels... no...I am not suddenly 5'11" and super thin. He sent me the link today... I've never seen the movie...but the scene he sent me is a scene of her dancing around, silly, in the morning. And... it's not too far off from how I am when I am around the apartment alone. Sometimes...I dance in front of a mirror and lip sync to songs by Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Good times :)I used to hold back so much of myself and be concerned about what people thought. I'm still concerned but... am willing to rap Salt N Peppa's "Shoop" in the middle of a gay bar with rabbit ears on my head:)
But last night David was like, "Where are your hips? You've lost weight." It cracks me up that guys mistake "chunk" on the sides of your body for hips. I mean...geez...I still have hips--just have a little less chunk.
John's aunt saw me about a month ago and said, "Oh my gosh! You're a reed." Seriously, the biggest compliment I have ever gotten:)
Last night at karaoke, Siler said I remind him of Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels... no...I am not suddenly 5'11" and super thin. He sent me the link today... I've never seen the movie...but the scene he sent me is a scene of her dancing around, silly, in the morning. And... it's not too far off from how I am when I am around the apartment alone. Sometimes...I dance in front of a mirror and lip sync to songs by Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Good times :)I used to hold back so much of myself and be concerned about what people thought. I'm still concerned but... am willing to rap Salt N Peppa's "Shoop" in the middle of a gay bar with rabbit ears on my head:)
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