After a long battle with cancer, my aunt passed away this past Thursday. I'm not particularly close to that side of the family, but I wanted to pay my respects and attend the shiva. Despite my father's side being Jewish, I can't ever recall attending a shiva. I had no idea what to wear or what to bring with me (food?), so I texted two friends. One friend replied to my text as I was literally parking in front of the house for the shiva (no help, thanks a lot) and another friend was casual with her reply (John doesn't have to wear a suit, don't worry, I don't think you have to bring anything).
John and I, therefore, used our "best judgment." He wore dress pants, a dress shirt, and a blazer. I wore a skirt and a nice top. We didn't know what to bring and didn't have access to a Kosher bakery, so we just came with our condolences.
Unfortunately, my mother also attended the shiva with us. Since she doesn't drive, we had to pick her up, bring her to the shiva, bring her back home, and then drive back home ourselves. According to my calculations, we drove 52 miles OUT OF THE WAY to bring her to the shiva. I didn't mind all that much, until after the shiva, when her monumentally horrible behavior coaelesced.
While I did not think this was possible, my mother's behavior has warranted me to create a list of "Top 10 Things to NOT do at a shiva." Note: these requirements for how NOT to behave fall in no particular order.
1. While the prayers are being said and all attendees are solemnly standing outside, do NOT go back into the house, take off your shoes, and lounge in the comfy living room leather chair.
2. Do NOT continue walking around the house, which isn't yours, with your shoes off. Really?
3. Upon re-meeting a relative whose name you do not recall, do NOT start out the conversation with guessing aloud, "Wait, wasn't your husband the one who died while crossing the sidewalk?" When the person with whom you are speaking quickly replies, "No," do not continue to guess the person's former husband's mode of death.
4. Do NOT hit on the recent widower by saying, "I LOVE men with gray hair. You know, I'm not too far from your wife's age."
5. Do NOT comment on how the shiva house hasn't changed in 25 years and how, with all the money the homeowners have, you'd think the interior decor would have changed.
6. Upon entering the house when you first arrive, do NOT start walking around the house, giving yourself a personal tour (while everyone else is congregating outside and getting ready to begin the shiva readings).
7. Since this occasion honors someone else's life, do NOT take the time to talk about how your own husband has been gone for 25 years, blah, blah, blah.
I can't believe that I only came up with a list of seven things. I've probably pushed the other tactless acts out of my mind. I tried doing the "nice thing" by having my mother attend the shiva with us, despite the fact that everyone on my father's side of the family could care less about her attendance there (me included). What really angers me is the total lack of tact that she displayed. John and I were respectful and, overall, acted how a normal human should act. I feel like some of my relatives just lump me in with my mother in their minds. However, she and I are completely, utterly, exponentially different from one another.
John and I, therefore, used our "best judgment." He wore dress pants, a dress shirt, and a blazer. I wore a skirt and a nice top. We didn't know what to bring and didn't have access to a Kosher bakery, so we just came with our condolences.
Unfortunately, my mother also attended the shiva with us. Since she doesn't drive, we had to pick her up, bring her to the shiva, bring her back home, and then drive back home ourselves. According to my calculations, we drove 52 miles OUT OF THE WAY to bring her to the shiva. I didn't mind all that much, until after the shiva, when her monumentally horrible behavior coaelesced.
While I did not think this was possible, my mother's behavior has warranted me to create a list of "Top 10 Things to NOT do at a shiva." Note: these requirements for how NOT to behave fall in no particular order.
1. While the prayers are being said and all attendees are solemnly standing outside, do NOT go back into the house, take off your shoes, and lounge in the comfy living room leather chair.
2. Do NOT continue walking around the house, which isn't yours, with your shoes off. Really?
3. Upon re-meeting a relative whose name you do not recall, do NOT start out the conversation with guessing aloud, "Wait, wasn't your husband the one who died while crossing the sidewalk?" When the person with whom you are speaking quickly replies, "No," do not continue to guess the person's former husband's mode of death.
4. Do NOT hit on the recent widower by saying, "I LOVE men with gray hair. You know, I'm not too far from your wife's age."
5. Do NOT comment on how the shiva house hasn't changed in 25 years and how, with all the money the homeowners have, you'd think the interior decor would have changed.
6. Upon entering the house when you first arrive, do NOT start walking around the house, giving yourself a personal tour (while everyone else is congregating outside and getting ready to begin the shiva readings).
7. Since this occasion honors someone else's life, do NOT take the time to talk about how your own husband has been gone for 25 years, blah, blah, blah.
I can't believe that I only came up with a list of seven things. I've probably pushed the other tactless acts out of my mind. I tried doing the "nice thing" by having my mother attend the shiva with us, despite the fact that everyone on my father's side of the family could care less about her attendance there (me included). What really angers me is the total lack of tact that she displayed. John and I were respectful and, overall, acted how a normal human should act. I feel like some of my relatives just lump me in with my mother in their minds. However, she and I are completely, utterly, exponentially different from one another.
