Freedom...for two days

Yes!!! I am done with my final project for my grad school class. It was a pain and there was no possibility of bullshitting anything within the project, which poses an extra challenge.

Feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...but obviously my mind is still too mushy right now to make up non-cliched statements. I still haven't met with the professor yet and I am sure changes will have to be made...but for two days, I can relax.

Feel like sitting down and watching a stupid romantic comedy. Actually watched a movie called Imagine Me and You this morning (pre-paper ritual....otherwise known as procrastination). The movie was British and was about a couple that recently got married. Rachel [main character] begins feeling attraction toward the female florist who helped out with the wedding, Luce. What I liked about it was that it didn't take the American "comedic" take of how film addresses people discovering their newfound sexuality. The movie was realistic and the intimate scenes with the women were innocent and non-gratuitous. I now also have a new hair role model...Piper Perabo's hair in the movie is awesome...cascading curls, but the kind that look like they require no effort at all.

Can't believe Christmas is around the corner either. Haven't started shopping. Someone in my grad class said she has been so busy with class that she told her family that they should celebrate Christmas in January...I'm beginning to think the same thing.

Ew. Ick. Gross.

Was coming out from Moe’s tonight (Thursday night is lazy night--- takeout food of some kind + an episode of The Office). Had on my favorite pair of brown “work pants” and my winter coat---a Land’s End men’s coat. I don’t think it necessarily looks like a guy’s coat but it certainly is not feminine. Also had on my comfy clog-like shoes. I seem to boycott shoes that do not simply slip on your foot—no straps, buckles, laces, or any of that.

As I walked to my car, this scraggly-looking guy came up to me. His celebrity look-alike would be Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. Longish, frizzy, brown hair pulled into a loose ponytail… beard…heavyset. He asked, “Do you know the time?” Being totally aware of my surroundings,…because I’ve seen far too many news stories about being approached in a parking lot, having your “guard” down, and then something bad happening… I replied that I didn’t have a watch but that I estimated it was around 8:15. I started walking away. Then, he said, “Have you ever thought of modeling?”

LIKE I HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT THE WHOLE MODELING SCAM ON TV.

I tried to remain cordial and quickly said, “I am a full-time teacher and student”— He asked, “You’ve never thought about modeling?” This was being said to someone in a black men’s coat, brown pants, and Easy Spirit-esque shoes. Hilarious. No make-up either. And exiting a fast food place with a giant bag of food.

You’d think he would walk up to someone with Uggs, low-rise jeans, and a Juicy hoodie instead.

The most “typical” part… when he left, he went over to his vehicle…a mini-van.

I was so freaked out. On my drive home, I was literally saying, “Ew, fucking gross, ick” repeatedly, out loud.

Black Friday Vampire

John had to work today and had to wake up @ 430AM! I don't know--on days like these, I feel guilty sleeping in when he has to work and deal with a line of 100+ people all vying for the 40 Nintendo Wiis that are on hand.

I was looking @ sale circulars last night and Kohls had some great stuff on sale. I thought, I'll wake up with John and go to Kohls...why not? I SERIOUSLY did not think it would be crowded. Got to Kohls @ 5...the parking lot was packed, there were no shopping carts left, and @ the jewelry counter they gave you numbered tickets as if you were on line @ the deli.

All went smoothly. I know Adbusters is hosting Buy Nothing Day today but, honestly, I will be buying gifts for Christmas. Might as well buy them today and save some money.

After Kohls I went to Target and made it back to the apartment before the official time of sunrise.

No more shopping today.

What I noticed @ 5AM was the "comraderie" at the store. People were polite and were sharing holiday tales with each other on line. The lady in front of me was telling me how she was buying some things for herself, "for once." The woman behind me told me an anecdote of last year--her friend and her went to Kohls, Macys, Pennys, Target, etc and were back to their houses by 10 AM.

Despite the HUGE line....I'd estimate there were 100 people in front of me on line @ the registers.... I somehow think that there was this courtesy in the air because we had all ventured to Kohls at an insane hour.

But there's no way I'd want to be in any shopping mall later today.

Grading sucks

I remember knowing people when I grew up that LOVED to help the teacher grade papers...i.e objective multiple choice tests. I mean, they truly got euphoric when they were allowed to write the BIG C's [for correct] and x out wrong answers in red ink (This was in the early 90s before the purple-ink-let's-not-hurt-self-esteem-w/-red-ink days). I never was that type.

And now... sitting in front of the computer on Sunday night at 6:15, I still am not one of those types. I detest grading tests, quizzes, and written work. Multiple choice quizzes are a waste of time because the kids could just as easily grade the quizzes and we have to go over them in class anyway. Must manage time better so I can have the students grade them. Right now I am also grading book reviews that my 8th graders wrote. Grading them is completely aggravating because most of them ignore marks/comments that I suggested upon reading their rough drafts. I don't get it... is it laziness? is it ageism (I'm one of the youngest 8th gr teachers and I honestly believe some of those kids think I do not know what I am talking about when it comes to writing, etc)? Is it not caring?

Whatever it is, it's headache-inducing. Maybe I care too much...that's probably it. For instance, when I am grading and notice 3 or 4 students in a row who did badly on the quiz, I put the folder of quizzes in my bag and ignore it...because I feel i have taught concepts well enough and failure pisses me off.

Just have to stop thinking so much, I think. Wish I could be like the teacher across the hall. She always has an immaculate desk, free of papers or reminder-notes. At the end of the day, bam!, she's out the door at 2:30....

I haven't reached robot levels yet.

Peeing, Procrastination, The Notebook

Peeing...procrastination...The Notebook...all of the dots will be connected soon.

I usually hate starting out writings with quotes; it just seems like the way a weak writer would start something out. I found this quote online and liked it though...

"Procrastination is, hands down, our favorite form of self-sabotage.” (Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby)

Have a paper due for my class. I've done the observations for the paper and have tons of pages of sloppy notes to prove it. I just haven't felt like sitting done and writing the paper. I decided to go for the Masters of Reading b/c I got sick of analyzing novels and writing literary papers. In the end, I'll do no good to the world if I can analyze a Kafka book or some other piece of lit that someone else has inevitably already taken apart and put back together.

The paper for this class is annoying though. Statistics... I hate statistics. They're so boring to write about. You can't throw in any vivid adjectives where there are statistics.

Back to the subject line.

So...today...I SO did not want to start this paper. This morning I was purposely consuming massive amounts of water so as to make myself have to pee...thus making myself not be able to sit down at the computer, "hunker down," and concentrate.

At 1:oo, I finally decided to leave the house and go to the library to work on the paper. Wrote close to 7 pages but feel that I am nowhere near done. Worse, I worry that some of the 7 pages I already wrote is repetitive drivel.

When I got home, I decided to reward myself for my hard work...and eyestrain. Needed a movie that required no thought at all. Popped The Notebook into the DVD player. I just got to the scene where I always feel the need to roll my eyes.... Allie and Noah have reunited... Noah tells Allie he wrote her every day for a year and that "It wasn't over." Immediately after, he says "It still [emphasis] isn't over" and pulls her into a kiss.

Cheesiness!

Yet...I'll still watch the movie to the end...

Death fairy is officially dead

I bought my Halloween costume a few weeks ago..."death fairy." It's made by a company called "Fairylicious." Lame! The costume has this black, "pleather"ish top, velvety purple skirt, and black wings. I also purchased the matching death tiara, black eyelashes, and fishnets. It's kind of cheesy but I thought it'd be fun.

I tried the costume on... damn, online purchases!...The costume looks bad. Others might think it looks ok but there's no way I can walk around the city, or anyplace else, and feel comfy with myself. It's too late to return it and I think that's dumb anyway...it was on sale and I CAN wear it next year...if I lose weight.

This is the mantra that I often say. I don't get why food has such a hold on me. It's not even that I eat that badly. I just eat large portions. It's ritualistic. I go the cabinet, get some almonds or other seemingly healthy snack. I get a small portion and then close the bag/container lid. 1 minute later I go back to the kitchen, go into the cabinet, and do the same process again.

I got fake nails last month and have not bitten my nails since. Maybe I need one of those Hannibal Lector face masks to prevent myself from eating.

I get so mad with myself. I don't think I am that heavy but then I try on something that looks "gigantic," and it fits me snugly. Then I feel like garbage.

My excuse right now is classes. I am taking a grad class and FINALLY am completing the coursework. I am busy. I am not one of those people who thrives on busy-ness. I can have crazy, psychotically busy days for 2 or 3 days, but not routinely. I don't understand people who can live their lives, full time, like that. Things should be balanced. I think of Jack Nicholson in The Shining...when he types "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

Had my fun this weekend...movies/dinner on Friday with John. Darjeeling Limited sucked. I fell asleep. It was so slow. Good use of color and awesome soundtrack though. Fuddruckers' hamburgers rock! Saturday was a comedy show in the city. Took the bus there all by myself and met Lisa there. Felt like it was a rite of passage because the idea of traveling to the city alone freaks me out.

Now is time for work...and stopping with the petty whining over some dumb Halloween costume.

I've taken out last year's pirate costume from my closet. Think I'll have some corpse-like makeup and be a dead pirate... someone's got to counterbalance all the girls out there who will be dressed up as slut bumblebees, nurses, Maria Antoinette, referees, beergirls, and who knows what else.

What a Day

I am so glad this day is done...or at least that the "work-related" part of the day is done. It's past 6:00 and I just got home from work. Not a big deal to most people, but I got to work at 7. Have observations of other teachers that I have to do for grad school...thus, I lose my preps and have to do stuff after school. Am also being observed myself by the principal next week...so that whole nervousness/anxiety scenario is starting up. When he observes me, his face looks stone-cold and completely bored. I try to block him out of my view and just pretend he isn't in the room. His comments are always the same... class-management related and "Why did you pick THIS lesson? Why did you choose THOSE vocabulary words?"Annoying.

Am going out with a friend tomorrow and we made preliminary plans. Had my cell phone off at work. Got home and she had left 2 messages...both with tones like, "Call me back NOW," and an email complete with capitals. It's not like I am going to ditch her. I generally stay committed to plans once I make them. People piss me off.

My 8th graders are bastards. Luckily, it's only one class that is really horrendous. On Monday, I am taking a colleague's suggestion and giving that class BRUTALLY boring seatwork. If anyone talks or objects, out they go. Tuesday, I can start off with "Things can be how they were yesterday or they could be different...blah blah blah."

And I've been reading my students' journals and they're all so obsessed with money and being rich. I know a lot of people dream of being rich...but these kids write as if they deserve it. I don't know ...money does not solve all problems... moreso, it creates them...

Today is just a day where I feel inclined to put a temporary bumper sticker on my car... PEOPLE SUCK.

Gyno Talk

John makes fun of me for going to Planned Parenthood. I guess the "gist" of it is that he thinks that at my age I should go to a real gynocologist of my own. I did try that a few years ago, in fact. The lady made feel comfortable and at her office I got the "luxury" of a robe-like piece of clothing instead of a HUGE paper towel/loincloth. Also, the office was painted nicely and felt overly cozy.

Then the doctor changed the insurance she accepted; mine was no longer accepted.

So back to Planned Parenthood.

I really have no "issue" with going there. And I feel comfortable asking questions because I know the doctors and nurses there have heard everything. They should really collaborate and write some amusing memoir; something with a title like Pap Talk.

Anyway, so I just got off the phone with Planned Parenthood...have to schedule my annual. It's so annoying and I hate it, but it's only once a year so I guess it's not too bad. And of course I hate it---who would like it?

But the receptionist made me laugh. After scheduling my appointment, she said, "Ok, we'll see you then. And nothing in your vagina for 24 hours."

Hilarious.

Angst and Autumn

Autumn's mad
She wants to come on through
but is stopped by relentless summer...

I scribbled that semi-teen-angsty "ditty" on a sheet of paper while driving to class on Thursday night. Torrential rain was falling---and of course, people were driving like idiots [mainly the SUV drivers]. Thursday felt like autumn had finally arrived. The temperatures were finally near normal and it was as if the rainstorm's intent was to wash away any remnants of summer.

Now it's Saturday night and it's actually cold outside. Now shall begin my adolescent behavior---refusing to wear a coat or jacket until it is neccessary; for instance, if snow is on the ground. I detest coats and jackets. They're so uncomfortable. Hoodies are my friends.

Hopefully, there will be an official frost soon. John and I went apple picking last Wednesday. We were so excited to go. I came home quickly, at 2:30ish... we drove over to Riamede Farm and there was hardly anyone there. We had the place to ourselves. Most of the apples we like weren't ready to be picked though. Plus, it felt like 90 degrees outside. The whole experience was very anti-climactic.

As soon as the first frost arrives, the Mutsu apples will be ready. These are our faves. They're GIANT apples... think along the lines of genetic mutations.

A website (Nature Hills) describes it as follows: The Mutsu Apple has a moderately sweet flavor with firm, juicy white flesh. Its skin color is a yellowish green with an orange blush. The Mutsu apple is also known as Crispin. This apple is vigorous, fairly early, and the fruit is large and oblong shaped. It is excellent for fresh eating, sauces, pies, and baking. This apple stores and keeps well.

Sounds amazing, right? The description also sounds partly pornographic. Hmm.

Ride the Wind

"Ride the Wind" is absolutely my favorite song by Poison. It's cheesy and attempts to discuss motorcycle riding in a "deep" context. Sample lyric: "Hearts of fire/ Streets of stone/
Modern warriors/ Saddle iron horses of chrome." You get my point.

Today Jaime and I trekked into NYC to go bikeriding in Central Park. Central Park amazes me because it is just so huge. Secondly, you feel like you're simultaneously "in" the city, but also "out" of the city, in some exotic world where urban life and nature mesh together. We rode bikes around and me, being the scaredycat I am, kept riding the brakes whenever we'd approach a steep hill. There was a wedding in progress at one of the junctures we crossed--some lady had on a navy blue and white striped blazer (nautical theme...with a gold anchor embroidered on one of the front pockets), LOOSE black leather pants, and navy blue shoes. Odd.

We saw some old people gathered on a bench, reading through the coupons and foodstore advertisements in the Sunday paper.

One performer was under the bridge. He was dressed in this pseudo-Native American outfit and played the violin while singing in a mournful voice.

There was a juggler too...and someone painted up as the Statue of Liberty.

It was such a beautiful day out and as I rode my bike around, I could feel the wind dance across my face. This is such a lame comparison but I kind of felt like the Pee Wee Herman character in Pee Wee's Big Adventure---just riding around on a bike, slowly riding along, with a stupid, gleeful expression on my face.... minus the future impending porn theatre/masturbation charges.

The only unpleasant aspect of today was at the end of our biketrip. We were putting the bikes into the car and while taking the front tire off, my thumbnail came off. Fake nails suck. Now I see why "girly girls" never seem to do sports, heavy manual labor, etc... all I did was pull a lever on the side of the tire and the nail popped off. It quickly danced across the NYC sidewalk, only to be rescued by me and tucked away in my wallet. Argh.

Back to my "roots"

I was only 6 years old when my Dad died, so I don't remember all too much about him. I remember that he had a bunch of colorful glass paperweights. I remember a thick-yarned knit cap he used to wear. I remember when he taught me how to draw fluffy clouds.

My mom has told me stories about how my dad used to go to garage sales all the time. When he passed away, she said the basement was FILLED with his stuff. She proceeded to pay someone money to haul all the stuff away. In retrospect, that kind of pisses me off---what could I have done back then? I didnt even understand what was happening.

I like to think that even though he wasn't around when I was growing up, that certain qualities of my dad have been passed down to me...like... my current fondness for glass paperweights... and my enjoyment of garage sales and fleamarkets.

I used to go to garage sales all the time in high school. I'd buy stupid stuff. Case in point: I remember buying a felt beet... I hung it on my bedroom wall. And I was obsessed with bright green and pink paisley/60s prints. The garage sale habit ended after college. This apartment is small enough as it is---no need to bring in more clutter---and the felt beet has long been gone.

Today, on a whim, I went to this rummage sale @ a local church. It SUCKED...random junk in boxes, unlabeled. I drove around for awhile and went to a few more garage sales. I love it because it's a sneak peek into someone's home and life. At this one house, there were a bunch of CDs like Offspring, Collective Soul, Green Day, etc. I guessed they had to belong to someone my age...I had most of those CDs in high school. At another house, I got to talking to the owner, this older and feisty lady, and she was telling me most of the stuff for sale at her house was stuff she got at other garage sales. The piles of STUFF on her lawn seemed endless.

I hate the garage sales where nothing has a price on it. Argh.

I'm home now and I was pretty conservative with my purchases... the buy of the day? Definitely these tacky, gold (spray painted?) eagle bookends :)

Also...I found this seashell-themed stationary set that I used to have when I was younger. I knew it was the same one b/c the company was Olympia. When I was 10 or 11, I used to go door-to-door selling stuff from Olympia sales club: wrapping paper, stationary, knickknacks, etc. You'd win prizes for selling a certain amount. It was like being Willie Loman, but the 10 year old version.

Being a kid now sucks... you're not "allowed" to sell door-to-door b/c of possible "bad people." Essentially, most of us are good people...or so I like to think.

Hell Must've Frozen Over and Maybe Now Pigs Can Fly Too

First, I got highlights to my hair in the summer. This seemed MONUMENTAL to most people who know me because I am very low-maintenance. The highlights weren't a big deal though; Amy is a hairdresser and finally got me to cave in and change my hair. Before the highlights, the last time I dyed my hair was when I used Sun-In in 8th grade and turned a dark brown head of hair into orange.

Yesterday, I entered the dark side. I got fake nails.

I'm turning into a girly-girl... well, as girly-girl as I am capable of.

The thing is, I've always bitten my nails. I don't ever do it in front of other people (b/c I know it's a gross habit), but I'll bite my nails if I am nervous or bored. My mom used to say I'd never get a boyfriend because of my nails---- no one's ever complained. My grandma used to say,"You'll never get a job with nails like those." Um, job? Check.

The other day at the library, a patron said something to me. He said that I'm a "beeewww-tiful" girl and "Why you bite your nails?" I don't know... it got to me.

So yesterday I went to the salon and got them put on. The lady who did my nails said I was "special," and not in a complimentary way. I had to get gel nails..whatever those are...because my nails (more classifiable as "nubs" ) are so weak and acrylics wouldn't stay on.

At this point,
1] I HATE having fake nails...I have this fear that they will fall off and I won't have a tube of crazy glue handy. And why should you have to walk around fearing that you won't have the necessary pseudo-permanent adherence when you need it?
2] Having these nails is a pain in the ass. It takes 2x as long to button shirts, open things, put on jewelry, etc.
3] I'd rather stop biting my nails altogether than pay ripoff amounts at the salon...and instead spend my money on books and CDs.

I once had fake nails in high school. A friend put them on for me. On the walk home from her house, I began ripping them off.

If I didn't pay for these nails, they'd be in the garbage now too.

These nails are temporary... but I swear...I'll never bite my nails again...

Deli, deli, deli!

So annoying. I keep losing stuff. I somehow lost my Montclair parking hangtag, despite the fact that the hangtag is ALWAYS in my car. I somehow lost my student ID too. I don't know...sometimes I am ditzy when it comes to putting things in their right spot. The hangtag will probably surface under the sofa and the ID card will probably be in under the pseudo-dining room table.

Just got back from the foodstore. The deli area cracks me up. If I'm ever feeling down, I think I will simply drive over to a local supermarket and go in the deli section, waiting on line. It's amusing.

I LOVE the people who request samples. "Hmm, I'd like the swiss. Can I try some?" It's generally always old people or fat people that make this request. I guess what I think is amusing is that someone would need to taste the deli meats. Frankly, unless you're getting Snowball turkey (ick...how can you eat something that has an sexually disgusting meaning in the Urban dictionary?), there's not that much difference with deli meats.

Tonight, there was this "little guy" on the deli line. He kept getting 1/4 lb of this, 1/2 lb of that, 1/4 lb of this. He put the salami in the shopping cart and his lady [a GIANT compared to him] exclaimed, "You can't put that there. The bananas will smell like meat." I had a smile across my face. People are so odd.

Then there's the crazy people who request the deli people to slice the meats thinner and THINNER---these requests usually occur after the person has had 5 or 6 samples of the meat.

It's just the little, idiosyncratic things that people do that make me laugh---the type of things that arise out of the most seemingly boring places.

Me: the posh, Euro-trash version

We got the latest issue of Radar magazine...The magazine is devoted to pop culture junk. I'd say it's comparable to People or US Weekly, but I feel that it is slightly more "educational" and "intelligent" than those magazines.

Anyway, Posh Spice...oh, sorry...Victoria Beckham...was on the cover with her hubby. 1] I generally am not attracted to the blonde-haired, blue-eyed "hunky" type but David Beckham is HOT. 2] Victoria Beckham looks alien-esque. Her breasts are ridiculously large, in contrast with the rest of her body. Her hair is curved toward her face as if it is controlled by some kind of mechanical device. Also, her head is large. And she always has a stupid look on her face.

So...anyway...

We have a wedding to go to at the end of the month. Instead of "always a bridesmaid, never a bride," I feel like my mantra should be, "Always a wedding guest, NEVER a bridesmaid." I've been to so many weddings in the past 3 years. I'm happy for friends/family and all but weddings are a bit annoying. Getting dressed up is fun but usually involves spending $$$; I'd rather buy a bunch of books and CDs. Secondly, the whole monetary wedding gift is so expensive. It's a large chunk out of your wallet if you have a few weddings within a year.

I pray that NO ONE ever asks me to be a bridesmaid. I won't be offended. I'll be thankful b/c it seems like a pain in the ass.

Ok, wedding, wedding.

We were down in AC for John's sister's birthday. The whole family went down there... it wasn't well-planned and we didn't do all that much except for eating fattening food. I did partake in two bubble baths with scorching hot water, so that was nice.

So we went to the outlets in AC and, on a whim, went into the BCBG store. Everyone that worked there was dressed in black and had super stylish hair. It reminded me of that SNL skit where Will Ferrell and co. work in a high fashion store- it's the cell phone skit.

Got some help trying on dresses but nothing seemed good. The one guy kept bringing me size 6s and 8s and when I would say, I'm nowhere near a size 6 ot 8," he'd act surprised and be like, "No way!" PLEASE...I'm not putting myself down...I'm a size 12 and I'm ok with that. Any idiot could look at me and know I am not a size 6.

Ok... "let me make this long story short." So I tried on several dresses. One was awesome but super casual. Then...the glitzy dress. It has empire waist, flows OUT instead of being clingy, and is an "adventurous" pale chocolate color. You have to understand, when I dress up I ALWAYS take refuge in the color black. Also, this dress has beading work by the empire waist.

Contemplated buying it, had them put it on hold for me, then walked around a bit more. 20 minutes later, I bought the dress. When I told John and his cousin where I got the dress, his cousin said, "That store is Euro-trash." Well, then,....I guess I'm Euro-Trash :)

3 day work weeks..how it should be

This 3-day workweek is fabulous...it's times like these that I am thankful I don't live in the MidWest or those other "square-shaped" states. Jersey is diverse... and because of that diversity...schools close for more holidays...Or at least my school closes... Because of Rosh Hashanah, we got this Thursday and Friday off.

3 day workweeks are fabulous. Why can't work be like this all the time?

I just feel so full of energy this morning...and I am restored back to life b/c our phone is working again too. There's been this technology stormcloud hovering over my head... anything technological has just been breaking on me lately. The other day our phone just died. The funniest thing was calling the phone company and hearing the customer service rep read from a sheet of paper in a monotone voice: "Yes, ma'am, I understand your disappointment at not having a phone line. Please listen and I can assist you with testing the line and seeing if the connection is bad." She also proceeded to tell me to "make sure" everything was plugged in because maybe that was the problem. Argh.

But now this morning the phone is working again.... it wasnt really like I missed it... but I do like the feel of a "house phone" against my ear better than the feel of a cell phone.

Am SO content with this weather...no more gross 100% humidity days and air that you could "cut with a knife." What a stupid cliche.

It's September and even though it is back-to-school time, fun stuff is on the way....apple picking [last year John and I bought 50 pounds of apples...and ate them ALL...and did NOT make apple pie or anything...just regular apple-eating...that's how we roll]. Soon the leaves will be changing and it will be sweater time... I LOVE sweaters... and Halloween is just around the corner. Once again, I face the conflict of only seeing sluttified costumes online. Might be a butterfly. VERY girly costume, I know, but ever since Amy highlighted my hair...I've felt more and more like a girly-girl everyday.

Preppin' and Steppin'

Less than 12 hours until I see the "little brats" again. That's what a member of our school's construction crew referred to the students as. Can't say I completely disagree. Looked over my class lists and didn't see any kids that I am completely dreading to have in class. Do have "B." again... he is this "portly" child who is completely lazy. Which came first, the portliness or the laziness, I ask? His handwriting is horrible and there seems to be some motor issues involved, but I just want to chalk it up to obesity and laziness ;-) I also have the "exhibitionist" in class...again. I wasn't graced with his presence in 7th grade, but as an 8th grader, he is enrolled in my class. Hopefully, I won't have to send him to the nurse again in order for her to tell him to stop rubbing himself during class. If I have to send him out again this year, I think I will just flip and be like, "Get the fuck out, now."

So, I am nervous, moreso anxious, about starting back to school tomorrow. The classroom is ready and I think I made the classroom space more logical than ever. Good feng shui... maybe. I have seating charts and a few extra things to do before tomorrow but instead of doing them after in-service today, I came home and relaxed a bit. Then went to the first step class for the new session. The instructor was obsessed with making us do this one particular step pattern that was hellish. She was walking around and "monitoring," and commanding us like a drill sergeant. Sadistic people should think of careers as exercise instructors.

After step, headed to the shoestore and to Marshalls...ANYTHING to not have to think about tomorrow. It's not that I am completely dreading work. Year 6 shouldn't be too bad... it's just getting back into the whole grind. I like the unstructured element of my summers. Now it's back to waking up early, making lunch, wearing "nice" clothes, grading quizzes/responses, going to faculty meetings, calling parents...argh.

But...looking on the bright side, next week's only a 3-day week... and it's payday too!

Back to school...

I can't EVER complain about having summer vacation. I thought about this today as I drove home in 5:00 traffic. Peering in other car windows (because why should I keep my eye on the road?), I noticed tons of sad/pissed off/annoyed faces. Color is washed from people's complexions and they just sit, stone-faced, waiting for the next traffic light to change or the next car lane to move a bit faster. Working 9-5 has to SUCK...especially during summertime when there's beautiful weather.

I keep hearing people say, "The summer went so fast; I can't believe it's over." People always make statements like that---statements about how quickly time passes. Come October, people will comment, "I can't believe how the weather has changed." Come November, you'll hear "Can you believe it is already November? Before you know it, it'll be Christmas."

I feel like summer passed at just the right pace...not super fast, but certainly not at snail's rate slowness either.

So, summer wrap up. Went to Ocean City for the last week of June. Enjoyed some beach time and pigged out on every indulgence known to man. Spent July taking a summer class which, for the most part, was "painless." Went to the beach 2 more times, all day and for Sunday night movies-on-the-beach. Went to see Poison! For August, went to the beach 2 more times. Saw Lisa for the first time in a full year and things were just like they always were---good times. Went karaoking at a gay bar---rite of passage. Read a few books. Worked part-time at the library. Went to the Def Leppard concert...the last "real" tailgating extravaganza before the whole Ozzfest arrests/ two deaths debacle. If PNC gets rid of the tailgating concept altogether, I will be so pissed. In between these "big events," was more relaxation.

It was a good, relaxing summer. I wish I had gone to the beach more though. I swear, when I lived in Toms River, I never took advantage of being so close to the beach. Now that I am up in North Jersey, I miss it so much...

Feel semi-ready for next week. I can't believe it is my 6th year in the same teaching position! That makes me feel a lot more comfortable. While I am always adapting lesson plans/ideas, it's good to KNOW the material I am teaching and have past experiences with ideas on how I will teach that material. This year, I am thinking about having a class reading blog. I don't want it to be a graded activity...just an arena where students can post comments on favorite books, movie adaptations, comment on movie adaptations, songs, etc. Also might incorporate Thornton Wilder's Our Town into the Reading course. Am looking into new teen-ish books to add to my course. Am not exactly excited about starting work again...I like sitting around, reading, and sleeping in...but if I have to do something, teaching works for me.

Don't plan on sitting in benny traffic this weekend but next weekend... I think I will make a beach trek. Gotta keep up with the tan:)

Warcraft Ben

Before delving into Warcraft Ben, let me just say that E! channel is playing Pleasantville for probably the 10th time this week. I LOVE this movie....

Warcraft Ben has been a "fixture" at the library where I work for over a week---it's official. Last Monday night, during my 5-8pm shift, I noticed him. The remainder of the week he came into the library for hours on end. It was bizarre---I'd be there for a 4 hour shift and so would Warcraft Ben. Sitting at a table smack dab in the middle of the library, hovered over his computer, eyes squinted to the screen, face contorted into a look of intensity. He had greyish crazy hair---think Albert Einstein. He had greyish crazy hair, but this week he got a haircut and looks less wacky and even "handsome." He's young...I can't pinpoint the age though; I'm horrible at that. Not young as in 20s, but young as in he has grey hair but isnt 40+. Maybe mid 30s. Wow, I guess I can tell I am getting older if mid 30s if I easily classify mid 30s as young. He usually has on a dress shirt and khakis, as well as the type of blazer or jacket that a university professor would wear.

Last week, toward the end of the week, I finally got a glimpse of what he was so engrossed in. I saw a colorful moving screen, chatting at the bottom of the screen, and ... recognized it as Warcraft. Whereas I previously thought he was a weirdo, I now had some sort of perspective on him. John plays Warcraft and is on the computer ALL the time. I, in a smartass way, asked, "Can't you just play for an hour and then stop?" He went into a diatribe on how the game is played in real-world-time and just because you stop playing doesn't the game stops. I guess I can relate...kind of...despite the fact that it was released in the early 90s, I still am quite obsessed with Tetris. I play it on John's DS Lite. At this point, I've destroyed the DS Lite and as of yesterday it wasnt working. I could play Tetris on the Gamecube but for some insane reason, I quite enjoy ruining my eyesight on the 4" x 4" screen.

Back to Ben.

Saw him again today. The guy is totally nice and "normal" with the exception of the fact that he comes to the library in work clothes and is playing Warcraft all day. Can't figure it out. Skipping out from work to go to library and play Warcraft? Doesnt make sense. Playing Warcraft at library to hide addiction from girlfriend? Maybe...

Anyway, the guy fascinates me. Today someone sneezed and amidst the SILENCE of the library, Warcraft Ben said "Bless you," loudly. When he left tonight ...at closing time...with the rest of the staff...he got into a bright red Acura sporty car. Weird. I would've taken him for a Corolla or Prius type of guy.

And...his name isn't really Ben. Just my name for him. I always envision Benjamins as having curly hair... and just being calm, introverted types. So until his real name is exposed, he shall remain as Warcraft Ben.

No time, there's never any time

Quick pop-culture question. Who uttered these "famous" lines:
" No time/ There's never any time!/ I don't have time to study/ I''ll never get into Stanford/
I'll let everyone down/ I'm so confused."

An even bigger hint is here:


Damn, I love Saved by the Bell. I feel so bad for kids today. They don't have any fun, cheesy "teen" shows to watch. All that's on now is Laguna Beach, My Sweet 16, and other crap.

It's getting down to the end of summer now. One week left until we have our in-service days. 2 in-service days and then the kids come back on Thursday and Friday. Just ordered a bunch of cheesy (but only semi-cheesy) posters and bookmarks online. Am beginning to update my course outline and get other teaching materials ready.

I would never complain about not having enough time-- 2 months+ seems "sufficient." I just feel like I didn't get that much done this summer. I guess that's kind of the point of summer, relaxing and having a good time. I did work a little bit and took a summer class, so I guess that is accomplishment of some sort. I just can't believe that this time next week I will have to wake up early and get back into the whole Monday-Friday grind.

So I guess what I'm saying is that in times like these, I sometimes do "connect" with SBTB's Jessie Spano... even with the whole caffeine addiction thing. I'm not a coffee drinker so in the mornings I sometimes "rev" up with caffeine pills... A lame addiction indeed. This summer, however, I was classy and got into drinking Red Bull... I'll have to stock up for next week.

RAIN!!!!

Once again, another day filled with rain. Rainy days crack me up. People go into a frenzy. The roads are suddenly chaotic. Stores are filled with people because god forbid you stay inside and "read" on a bad-weather day. Then there's the other side of the spectrum. People who think that if rain hits their body that it will somehow turn them to ice or a stone statue. Those people stay at home ALL day, watching channel 61 weather channel, silently urging the rain to stop.

Today I read for a little bit. Am now reading Brighton Beach Memoirs. John's mom always talk about it so I decided to read it. I like it. Yes, what a thought-provoking statement. What I like best is how when I read it, I can hear each of the characters in my mind. Yes, I know that this is an element of reading---the whole imagination "thang"---but if the author writes like shit, then it is less likely you will be able to imagine scenes and characters' voices. Will have to try to some more Neil Simon plays.

Also made a trek to Kohls for some "back to school" shopping. So did the rest of NJ. The store wasnt crowded; that wasn't the problem. It was just that every piece of clothing that I liked was not available in my size.

Clothing stores, in general, annoy me. I think because more Americans are oevrweight that the stores are adjusting their sizes. For the most part, I take a medium or even sometimes a small in shirts. There is NO WAY that in reality I am a medium...but I think clothing stores are just making clothing bigger and putting smaller size #s on them.

Another thing that frustrates me is the whole misses, ladies, womens, petites, juniors, etc categories. Why are junior sizes odd numbers and "regular" sizes even numbers? I just try on whatever I like--keep it simple...kind of.

I don't know- I have this extremely dumb theory about obesity and "years ago." When I think back to when I was a kid, they didnt have tons of LARGE sizes. They didn't have teen plus-size stores such as Torrid. I recall once having to buy Husky-brand boys' jeans because they didnt have my size in girls' jeans. In short, years ago, if you were fat, you were stylistically screwed.

Now you can be a size 26W and find "trendy" clothing. I think that it's good...but also bad. My stupid theory is that because there were not tons of readily available plus-size clothing stores years ago that it somehow kept people in a certain body-frame category. I don't know if the so-called theory makes sense.

Anyway, I ended up getting a skirt for work (size 6...HELLO...i am not "really" a size 6). And I got a shirt for John. I love shopping for guys' shirts... so easy...small, med, large, XL...no intelligence required.

On an ending note, I have a strange urge to hear Danzig's "Mother." I might just finally cave in to Itunes and buy something. Usually I prefer just buying a whole album...but..not in this case.

Ink on the hand

I remember when I was a kid that if you had something written on your hand, adults would bombard you with what I now believe to be urban legend-esque types of responses. The most popular one was that if you wrote on your hand, the ink would seep into your skin and "bad things" would happen.

After having written countless reminders on my hands for years, I now deem the whole ink-seeping-into-hand-and-wreaking-havoc stories to be bullshit :)

On my left hand, I've written the word "PAPER." I have to keep reminding myself to finish my paper for my summer class. We have to email it to the professor by noon tomorrow. I'm such an idiot... I was working on the paper here and there, a little bit each day this week. Did nothing on it yesterday. Now it's Saturday and I have one lesson plan left [it's a unit plan paper/project thang]. It just seems stupid to nearly finish the assignment and then...stop. I'm the same way with other tasks. Take running, instance....um, in my case we will use the word "jogging." I'll jog like a [SLOW] maniac and then toward the end of my goal, I will completely slow down...the direct opposite of what you should do. I'm always like that with things...do tons of stuff in the beginning and then complete the task at a snail's pace. Personality quirk, I suppose.

I want to try to drive down to the beach tomorrow morning so I guess I should hurry up with this paper. At the rate of how much I am in the sun, I will look like Magda from There's Something about Mary in no time. When I saw that movie for the first time, I thought it was so funny. It loses its appeal, exponentially, upon later viewings. I hate when that happens.

Simple Joys in Life

I remember a few years back there was a published book called 14,000 Things to Be Happy About:http://www.amazon.com/14-000-Things-Happy-About/dp/0894803700/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/104-4427841-0086322?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1185844946&sr=8-2
My friend's mom owned it and we used to make fun of the book. They had things such as (from Amazon excerpt): "pajamas at breakfast," "the feel of rug under bare feet," and "the position of your head as you bite into a taco." We thought it was hilarious that Lisa's mom had this book. She would even highlight all of the "happy things" she had experienced. It seemed kind of wishy-washy and hippieish...a "mom" kind of book.

Years later, I found the book at a garage sale or used book sale and picked up a copy. Am not sure where it is not though.

Driving to Montclair today, I had a happy moment... and there were a few more by the end of the evening. This kind of experience is a rarity when you're driving on a highway that, no matter what time it is, still seems to be congested and at full capacity.

So this is my mini-list from today---things to be happy about:

1) Driving and sticking your left hand out the driver-side window----palm facing out, feeling the strong wind as it tries to bypass you... getting a steady breeze mixed in with the vents of your car's fan function.

2) Going 70mph on route 46....somehow it happened tonight, I don't know how.

3) Driving along a highway or road and smelling fresh, bakery smells. Tonight there was the scent of baked cinnamon-raisin bread as I drove down the highway. The smell quickly disappeared and was replaced by a combination of fatty butter and old gymsock smells. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

4) Hearing a song on the radio that you do not know the name or artist of, but simply love....

5) Making friendly, warm eye contact with another driver on the road...maybe even both simultaneously smiling at one another....

Only 13,996 more ideas and I can publish 14,001 Things to Be Happy About...

Feelings on my 27th year

"It's my birthday!!!" (said in an annoying, loud, shrill like that of a 15-year-old wearing an I heart me shirt)

Today did officially suck. No birthday tragedies or anything...just a boring day. Worked at the library from 9-3, scurried to put finishing touches on a presentation/assignment for class, then went to class. Ended up that I didn't have to present tonight afterall because we ran out of time. That was kind of annoying but it's better I got the whole assignment out of the way before the weekend anyway. Will present next week. Tonight we're going to see the midnight showing of The Simpsons movie... since I've watched the show since 4th grade, I feel I owe it to myself to see the movie. I can't believe that show has been on for SO long. I literally grew up with it.

Back to birthday talk...I guess as you get older, birthdays aren't that big of a deal. I know women freak out about getting older; I don't really understand why. No one says just because you're 40, you have to get a "mom haircut" and "let yourself go."

My birthday years have kind of gone backwards actually, in terms of how I regard myself. Ages 14-19 sucked royally. I was fat, had acne, had no sense of style whatsoever, was shy and weak-ish, and had horrible hair. You can tell these years were miserable because my photo album isn't as full as it could be for those given years.

Late 19 and on have been pretty good... I lost weight by basically eating TONS of salad and fruit... and all you can eat sort of regimen... and just feel better about myself. I think I'm less reserved now and even a little bit feisty, at appropriate times. 1st year of teaching was horrible, but other than that, things are fine.

Now at 27, I can look at myself and see an attractive YOUNG woman... both physically and mentally... there's tons of things I want to improve about myself, but not too much I would change if I could.

To repeat that cliche, I've heard countless times (which someone has inevitably written to me via email or bday card): "Hope this year's the best one yet!"

Rainy day dumb DJs

Ok, so today's torrential rainfall warranted some "thematic" music on the radio...something in connection to the weather...maybe the Carpenters' "Rainy Days and Mondays;" perhaps a little bit of "It's Raining Men;" or maybe the most logical Billboard-friendly choice, Rihanna's "Umbrella." Djs are idiots. Instead, I would turn from station to station and hear the same crap...the Chris Daughtry "I'm Coming Home" song; that Pink "U and UR Hand" song [good in step aerobics class, but that's about it]; or Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry."

I kind of secretly love rainy days. If I have to work at school, rainy days suck. I get up, make myself look presentable, wear "nice work clothes," and even style my hair--- only to get to work with frizzy hair and raindrops scattered on my clothing. Working at the library during the summer is much better for rainy days... it's a good place to be. Or staying in bed and watching documentaries...or reading...good rainy day activities.

I find "umbrella trends" fascinating. 99% of the males that I saw today were either 1] being macho and walking through the rain torrents as if they didn't notice them or 2] using black, navy blue, or dark grey umbrellas. I saw one guy with an earth-toned plaid umbrella. Based on his umbrella use alone, if I was single, I'd date him.

Ladies run the gammut with the motifs and designs on their umbrellas. Most that I saw today were solid colors. I have a feeling this is an East coast phenomenon. I bet people in Florida use vividly colored umbrellas, or umbrellas with cheesy beach themes. I saw someone today who had a Winnie the Pooh umbrella. I'd bet money that she was an elementary school teacher. You just know. Someone else had this reddish/ivory umbrella that looked like a watercolor painting of a radish.

Me, I used to use a black umbrella. Last week, I turned a new leaf. My new umbrella is black [conservative] with brightly colored polka dots [wild]---a perfect twist for an NJ girl.

(Umbrellas #4, Pastel, by Robert Weinstein )
http://www.robertweinsteinart.com/

Thursday night frenzy

I'm in a frenzy tonight... last class of the week... more homework ADDED to the original syllabus... but it's the END of the week.... I've been drinking a Red Bull before class each night--just because otherwise I feel "out of it." During class, I am usually calm, but focused. When I come home from class, however, I am a spaz. Tonight I feel like going out somewhere (um, karaoke); it's like all my friends have ESP and can sense I am calling them for karaoke-endeavor-requests. I called four people and no one answered their phones :-(

So, instead it's just another evening inside...watching The Office and Scrubs. NBC's Thursday lineup is truly fantastic. Scrubs is amazing because the theme song is a mere 11 or 12 words...

We're watching Smokin' Aces tonight..."movie night." John promised that he will WATCH the movie and not play WOW. He said he might have to occasionally get up from the couch and press the space (aka "jump") key. I'm fine with that. I don't really want to see this movie all that much but Jeremy Piven and Ryan Reynolds are in it...I think I'll survive just fine.

Trembling Blue Stars...and exercise

Felt like listening to a CD...an actual, REAL CD...and not just some digital mix of songs. Actually, despite Itunes and all of the music available online, I still prefer buying CDs; there's something exciting about holding a CD in your hand and discovering the liner notes and inside cover art. Anyway, I went through my CD collection and came upon Trembling Blue Stars' album, Broken by Whispers. Don't know if I have ever listened to the CD straight through, but, damn, what a good name for a band!

Went to the gym tonight. Argh, this blog is becoming "The Exercise Files." Told myself I'd run a mile. It's not like I haven't completed that feat before but during vacation, I was LAZY as could be. I also consumed many soft "Philly-style" pretzels, funnelcakes, pizza, etc. So lately I've been getting back into the gym routine. I go after my night class--get to the gym around 9PM. I find that I exercise REALLY well at that time of day.

Anyway, I huffed, puffed, and probably mouthed a few curse words, but made it through my mile. My legs now have that jellyish feeling running through them. I think that might be a good thing.

Interesting thing about the 9PM timeslot at the gym. There's this other guy who comes in nightly, at the same time as me...or around the same time. He's in his 30s, I guess---I've never been good at the age guessing game. He intrigues me because he looks like a gentle soul: dark hair, dark eyes, calm face. He wears a tshirt tucked into his jogging shorts or sweatpants. I find that odd. I don't know... it just seems to be such a put-together ensemble for the gym. He also wears black sneakers. I've always seen black sneakers as "dorky." Anyway, the fact that we seem to follow the same time routine and even exercise routine (treadmill/elliptical) just intrigues me. I wonder if he eats dinner at 5:00 and before going to the gym pops in a few TV shows on DVD. Just wondering. He looks like he would be named something like Mel. I don't know why. Or maybe James. But a lot of people probably look like they could be named James.

Stop shaking your leg...NOW!

Flash's tail is resting on the keyboard as I type this. Lately, he's been sitting near me whenever I am at the computer. He's been affectionate ever since we got back from vacation. Lola's the direct opposite...she's been distant and kind of bitchy. We think she is going through her "teenage" cat years...Flash went through a similar, unaffectionate phase after he was a kitten.

I've taken a few grad school classes now and some people seem to never change, in regard to habits. In no ranking order, these are the 4 MOST annoying types of classmates to have in a room with you.

1] The Obsessive Highlighter ("highlighter" being used as a noun referring to "one who highlights")
The obsessive highlighters aren't super-abundant in grad school but I know they're out there. These are the people that may be reading in the assigned text before class or following along on a certain page with the professor--- they have the inclination to highlight practically the whole page... so instead of mostly white pages with some "important" pieces of the text highlighted, you instead have a whole page of pink, yellow, green, or orange. And the highlighter (marker this time) makes that irritating squeaky noise, line by line.

2] The Shaker
This is the person who, OF COURSE, is sitting next to YOU and keeps shaking their leg for the whole duration of class. I just want to throw a heavy steel plate on their leg and make them stop.

3] The Quoter
So pretentious...some ignorant ass who really knows or understands nothing, but feels inclined to quote tons of other "thinkers" and "intellectuals." Quotes are fine, substantiating ideas is fine....THE Quoter goes above and beyond...

4] The Insecure Participant
I find it so annoying when someone persistently prefaces a statement, opinion, or viewpoint with something like "I know this is a stupid question, but..." or "I'm probably wrong, but..." I don't know what's up with those people. If you truly think you're most likely wrong or that what you're about to say can be categorized as "stupid," why participate in the first place? Wait for a better moment in the discussion and participate in a non-stupid, correct way. Females tend to fill the insecure participant category more than males. What happened to girl power? Thank god The Spice Girls are reuniting for a tour...

Pedometer nerd

To show my nerd status, let me first say that I enjoy how prefixes and roots create words. For example, the "ped" means "foot" and "meter" refers to "measurement," thus leading to a device that measures footsteps. I guess it was some time last year that there was this real push to get us sedentary Americans to walk more---at least 10,000 steps a day. Pedometers were sold everywhere, real cheap too. For awhile McDonald's even sold a "fitness meal" (kind of like a Happy Meal, but for obese adults instead of the kiddies). I don't know if they still sell it. With the exception of my consumption of McDonald's surged by intoxication a few months ago, I haven't had McDonald's since I saw Super Size Me. Anyway, the fitness meals came with a free pedometer, an incentive to start making the oath to walk 10,000 steps a day and get on track to better fitness.

On a sidenote, I've heard (I think from that Super Size Me doc.) that McDonald's puts sugar in their foods, even their "healthy" foods. Don't know how healthy the fitness meals really are.

Anyway, back to the topic. Ok, on our recent vacation, I drove everyone crazy. I had my pedometer on all the time, seeing if I made the 10,000 step mark. For the most part, I did do the 10,000 steps (5 miles!) daily, just from walking on the boardwalk and walking into town to shop.

I wore my pedometer today to see how much I walk during a typical day. Had a workshop at school and was walking around the building at various times. Had a class at Montclair and was walking around campus, to the bookstore, library, and then to class. At the foodstore, I purposely parked far away so as to walk a little more. It i now 9:15, the end of my walking for the day, and I've only gone 8,717 steps (about 4 miles). I know it's not a big deal and I am obviously getting a bit obsessive, but the whole thing just makes me realize---- if during the "typical" day, I moderately walk around and do not make this 10,000 step minimum, what about people who are truly sedentary? Or what about those days when I stay inside and watched 3 movies in a row, doing nothing else all day? God, no wonder why so many Americans are overweight.

Ok, so I don't have time tonight to fix the under 10,000 step debacle but...I think from now on I am going to make a promise to myself to get in the 10,000 steps daily...the 10,000 steps will NOT include working out at the gym-- that's extra.

What a blah post--although there was some foreshadowing, being that the title of the post was "Pedometer nerd."

'Til another time...

Summer is simply coasting by,...

I can't believe that we're already 3 weeks into summer. I totally cannot complain--I went on vacation to Ocean City, spent my friend's birthday with her in A.C., and went to the beach the other day too. A lot of people don't even get to do that list of things within the whole summer. I just feel the ultimate need to make the most of my free time in the summer.

My summer class starts tonight... was hoping that the professor would have an abbreviated class schedule. We are supposed to meet Monday through Thursday from 5-7pm... according to the course syllabus we will be meeting each one of those nights until the end of the course. I HATE driving on route 46 and driving on route 46 during rush hour (um....a duration of time which begins around 3pm and ends way past 7) is miserable.

John and I have been doing South Beach Diet for almost a week. Even though we've been staying within the "phase 1 menu," I have the feeling that we will somehow defy the diet and either end up gaining weight or just staying what we are. Yesterday I had a binge---ate about 9 sugar-free fudgesicles. I guess that's not much of a binge but I don't think fudgesicle gorge sessions are part of the diet.

You know how you can buy virtually anything online? Case in point: People that play World of Warcraft can actually buy "game money" via ebay... virtual money...it's crazy. Anyway, I wish I could buy self-control online. I could be so much more productive in all facets of my life....

Old habits die hard...

"Old habits die hard"- I like that phrase...it's semi-overused so maybe it's considered a cliche...I'm not sure...but I like it!

Just got back from Ocean City..am remembering back to this past week...I'd sit out on the balcony in a beachchair, simultaneously reading a book and peoplewatching. Made a little oath to myself that when I got back here, I'd try to sit outside more and stay away from TV and the computer... and look at where I am, about 2 hours after I got home... oh well...

Read some wonderful "chick lit" on vacation...Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner [yes, we were all immature and making fun of the author's last name] and Smart Women by Judy Blume. Judy Blume hasn't written that many books for adults, but I love her "adult books." John makes fun of me... :-)

Am REALLY looking forward to this summer... I'm only 9 days into summer vacation and feel like I've accomplished a lot...of...relaxation. My summer class starts on 7/9 and I am looking forward to it...although the M/T/W/H 5-7pm schedule is ridiculous... what genius came up with that time slot? I plan on being a lunatic and leaving my apartment around 3ish everyday...will stop at Barnes and Noble and read for awhile before class... I can't deal with route 46 traffic...

On a different note, I hope that during this summer I NEVER have to hear the music melange that I heard on the beach the other day---Bruce Springsteen AND Sublime...I get the reason for Springsteen tunes--- NJ, man! And I get the reason for listening to Sublime on the beach--- very laidback and poseur-reggae...but... both honestly suck.

I wouldn't mind hearing someone sing Boyz to Men aloud though...classic clip...poor Mom...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j97V-aMjeTk

"South Jersey" Adventures...

I find it humorous how such a small state like NJ could attract native residents to vacation spots. North Jerseyans act like anything below exit 100 on the parkway is a different country. In a way, it is... the whole boardwalk "culture," an abundance of CHEAP thrift shops, signs for activities like paintballing and racecar tracks, Confederate flags AS window coverings, ...

We've been down in Ocean City for the past few days...will be here until Saturday. Our rental house is literally in walking distance to the beach. I can easily imagine myself going to the beach daiy: basking in the sun for most of the time, reading a lot, and occasionally hopping into the water for refreshment. And the abundance of awesome boardwalk food... undescribeable... John and I have already made an oath to start South Beach upon our return "up north."

Tonight I went to A.C. and gambled for the first real time. I previously had done the slot machines but they provide no amusement. You lose your money fast [and you ALWAYS lose] and there's no sense of control in the game. You press buttons, the machine determines when it will stop, and if you're lucky, you win 25 cents.

We played BlackJack tonight... Floyd was our dealer... I was a bit wary of him...there were only 3 of us at the table and he was making "small talk." It just felt weird...because I knew that, inevitably, we'd be losing money to this guy.

John lost his "gambling money" within about 10 minutes... my heart was racing as fast as it ever has. I can see how people get a rush from gambling. Even when you're losing, you keep betting more chips, thinking that somehow you'll be lucky the next round, the adrenaline increasing and increasing.

When I played, there was this old man at our table. He said he was down at the tables because he couldn't sleep and had nothing else to do. He had bloodshot eyes and looked completely out of it, but looked endearing at the same time.

Ended up losing 25 of the 100 I started out with...I didn't quite "get" the us-against-dealer concept and said "hit me" when I had 13 and the dealer was showing a 5...or something like that. It all ended up okay but apparently you're supposed to play the game like you're all in it together, against the dealer. I think that's dumb--- everyone is an individual player, right? I even mentioned capitalism to the other player, the old man... every man for himself. Luckily, I think he was humored.

So...we technically came back from A.C. as losers... but it was definitely fun... makes me have bigger interest in visiting Vegas...John and I had always wanted to go to see the shows out there, but now I think I'd have a slight interest in the gambling too...

John's cousin was laughing at my "cheapness" (I like to call it frugality...)-- no matter WHAT, I would not double down during my card deals...

Next time I go to A.C., I'd like to dress like a hip, younger version of an old lady in A.C. --- flashy colors and all, a little gold lame (accent mark above the "e") here and there...

Poetry ...at last

A co-worker and I were bitching about teaching the other day. Actually, I guess I was bitching about it and she was listening and just keeping a straight face and nodding "Uh huh, uh huh," the whole time. I was saying how I used to write all the time, mostly poetry although I did write some really short narrative pieces. It basically comes down to this: my job (and students!) have sucked the creativity out of my brain. Seriously, one of those little bastards from my first year of teaching is now walking around with my creativity in their mind... well, maybe not.

We can say, "Make time if it's important," "Make time for yourself," blah blah blah. But it doesn't happen all too often...at least not with me.

The other night, after the whole bacon/food frenzy fiasco, I fell asleep for 3+ hours. This led to me being wide AWAKE at midnight and after. I actually wrote a "pome" [I hate when people pronounce it like that]. It's kind of teen angsty, but I'm proud of myself. Still could use some editing.

My eyes used to be bright,
Wide open like a child.
Contemplative repose
mixed with excitement.
Hundreds of blue flecks
collided together
and exploded
into vivid orbs.
There was celebration in my eyes.

Now the bright blue
has been splashed with a milky gray,
disappointment casting a shadow.

I sometimes purposely
try to open my eyes wide.
If I look as if I feel wonder,
then maybe I will.

You can only try so many times,
to widen something
that has undoubtedly been closed.

I pigged out...ah, I feel good.

Work sucked today! I feel like having a drill put into my head and having all the brain matter taken out. Then, I could walk around in a catatonic state and have nothing bother me. There was a character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest that was like that. Yeah, I want to be like him.

The students are just not "into" working. 6th and 7th graders aren't too bad but my 8th graders are lazier than ever. No matter what I try to do to make lessons "engaging" or "meaningful," they just do nothing. The only way they shut up is if I have classtime where they passively sit, and I read aloud. Yay for read alouds. But then it is literally me doing all the work...which is, I guess why they like it so much.

Seriously though, I had the biggest headache at work today. I have to keep biting my tongue to keep all my nasty, mean thoughts inside.

Got home from work today and gorged... one of those weird stress-filled eating frenzies where you have the oddest combo of foods: 2 nectarines, 1 orange, 6 pieces of bacon, almonds and miscellaneous "fruit mix," and cheese. Not the best snack, but it turned out being dinner so I guess that's ok. I fell asleep for 4 straight hours.

I just want the schoolyear to end so I can enjoy my time because, at this point, the time we have left is just pointless. 10 more days, two of them 1/2 days. In the meantime, maybe I'll research into that brain drilling phenomenon. I saw them do something like that on House last night.

Nature! Goulet....

Even off of the main highway of Route 46, nature can be found. I was incredibly lazy today. Previous plans for today were pretty "lite" to begin with: go the gym, go to the mall (looking for summer "hippieish" shirts-- paisley prints and all that jazz), and buy lightbulbs. Not too difficult. Well, I sat around all day. Watched Green Street Hooligans, which was actually pretty good--- although Elijah Wood annoys me. He has looked the same since he was in that Mel Gibson movie where Gibson goes into the future, or something like that. I find Elijah Wood to be kind of wimpy.

Anyway, at 9:00, I finally ventured out. Was taking the trash to the apartment's garbage "area" and caught a quick glimpse of a skunk. There was no way I was going near the garbage cans. Left my trash bags near the parking lot, with the intention of throwing them out when I got back from the store. That was nature sighting #1.

Nature sighting #2 was on my way to turn onto route 46. Caught a glimpse of a deer, staring straight ahead into my headlights.

Bought lightbulbs, check.

Nature sighting #3: When I got back, I went over to the trash bags that I still needed to deposit in the official trash area. A raccoon popped out from amongst the bags. Guess there was some good stuff in the bags because he had burrowed his way through the bags and garbage was all over.

It's kind of funny, actually. Tonight it is raining like crazy...and all these animals are out. I can almost imagine all of them convening in the woods: "Okay, there's bad weather all around. The humans will be staying inside all evening. It's party time for us! Go! Rummage through garbage, gather with friends, let's take back the night!"

Brilliant....

Haven't totally sifted through this blog, but the title says enough to ignite my curiosity: "Rate Your Students." It doesn't have "real names" or anything like that. We're teachers; not idiots. Looks like it has amusing anecdotes about common excuses students give and common annoying things they do. Case in point: emailing a paper/essay topic to you 2 weeks after it's due. I can relate. My students had a Powerpoint due 2 weeks ago (I think it was 2 weeks ago---I've lost count)-- this weekend one of my students emailed me, "Yeah, I'll email the Powerpoint this weekend." As IF it was due this coming Monday or something. I don't get it...how they could be so lackadaisical and irresponsible... I don't remember kids being like that when I was a kid...but then again, I was a "good student."

Check it out:
http://rateyourstudents.blogspot.com/

Kids!!!

It's the night before progress reports are due. I think it's a waste of time to have 130 progress reports ready when things always turn out the same each marking period. The same kids get As and do stellar work; the same kids get low grades and comments like "Needs to improve homework completion in order to boost grade; I know your son/daughter is capable...blah blah blah." I have yet to remember a case when a student made a miraculous changeover from bad student to amazing student.

Was reading my 8th graders' journals and HAD to laugh. I post writing prompts and they do 5 minutes of sustained writing. One of the prompts one day was something along the lines of "Putting my foot in my mouth..." Reading through the journals now, TWO students wrote about how they can't put their foot in their mouth because they're not flexible enough. One student said, "That's totally gross anyway" and the other one commented, "I think it's weird and not attractive."

It's times like this that I have to laugh. They're such little smartasses in class but SOOOO basic otherwise.

Another student wrote about our school's "cruel" administration and how when he goes to prep school next year the administration will actually care. Guess that's what money will buy you....

I am not counting down to the end of the schoolyear yet (or at least I am trying not to). After Memorial Day, I feel like we'll be "home free." Until then, I'll continue to say the AA creed..."one day at a time."

"Going the Distance"

I feel like a giddy kid--- keeping track of how many days of the schoolyear are left. There's 42 total days... that includes weekends and all... only 32 "school days" left. I keep looking @ the end-of-year calender, taking note of all of the upcoming activities. Every minute counts!!

I want to make an oath to myself to make this summer one of the best ones (um, again, another thing a giddy kid would say: "This summer's going to rule, man!!"). Seriously though, each summer I work PART-PART-time at the library. In my mind, I always plan excursions, beach days, etc. Then none of those things happen. I have to stop being afraid...and stop being lazy too. Make time for mini-excursions, even if I am going alone. My big fear is going into the city alone. I'd love to go to the Guggenheim or MOMA or something...but have no idea how to go about it. All I know how to do is take the train to Penn Station...that's it. Have to learn more. And have to think positive... "Most" people on this earth are good. Why do I allow my mind to conjure up images of me getting robbed, mugged, etc? The media, argh...

Ok, pre-summer goal... same goal as past few months... I want to try to lose a few pounds...I know EVERYONE says that. My goal is NOT a bathing suit goal-- even if I was a "skinny mini" (the term my Grandma used to use in regard to my "skinny mini" sister), I'd be pretty covered up on the beach. Bathing suits freak me out...bikinis even moreso. It's like wearing a bra and underwear on the beach. Guess I wouldn't fare too well on one of those hip, nude European beaches. Oh well, Sleazside here I come instead:)

No-- my weight loss goal is simple. I want to get into those tacky, "shredded" denim shorts from 4 or 5 summers ago. I think they will be perfect for PNC tailgating excursions. To fit into them, hmm, it can't be that hard. In college, I went from 180 to 155... I'm 10 pounds past 155...but damn, those last 10 pounds are always the hardest....

Self-control, self-control, self-control....

Fox Sports Grill + Girlie Music

I don't like to exclusively classify things according to gender, but Fox Sports Grill seriously has girlish music that they play. LAME girlish music. We went to Palisades Park Mall yesterday---feels like we go there far too often, but it's only 40 minutes away and has so much stuff in it! Being that it was a Saturday night, the whole earth was waiting on line at all of the restaurants.

We decided to go to the Sports Grill place. They have this room where you can wait in---there's a fireplace going and a HUGE TV with a sports game playing. We went into the room to wait for our seats and suddenly I heard Heart's "All I wanna do is make love to you." This song has amusing significance for me---in elementary school we used to place this music game all the time... The music teacher would split the class into two teams. Each team would be given a word and the first team to come up with a song title including that word + artist would get a point. Once we were playing and the word was "love." As a kid, I listened like crazy to the radio. This is before CD players and downloading music so sometimes I'd sit there and WAIT and WAIT for a new favorite song to come on---Immediately, I'd press record when I heard the song's opening and then I'd tape it.

Anyway, I knew that there was a Heart song with "love" in it. I said I wasn't sure if my answer was appropriate so the teacher told me to whisper the title in her ear... which, in retrospect, is even creepier. Can't remember if my team got the point or not.

Anyway, it was hilarious. There were all these guys watching this baseball game, intensely, and in the background there was this cheesy Heart song playing. I jokingly was singing along to it... still know all the words. No one seemed to notice.

The experience got weirder as we were seated for our meal. Within the timespan of our meal, we heard: a Jon Secada song, Mariah Carey's version of "I'll Be There," "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue!!!, that cheesy Cardigans' one hit wonder "Lovefool," "Standing Outside a Broken Phonebooth..." by Primitive Radio Gods, and Salt n Peppa's "Let's Talk About Sex." No one else seemed to notice the music. I don't know what's weirder---the fact that I know the title/artist of all those songs OR the fact that all of them were playing in a "sports themed" restaurant.

Nope, they're definitely weirder than me...

Smell of Rain

I walked out of the school building today and could smell it in the air----rain. For some reason, I love the smell of the air right before it rains. It's the smell of damp asphalt combined with the impending rain---so I guess if I lived in an ultra rural place, I wouldn't necessarily get the same "high" before it rains.

Dribs and drabs of rain hit my windshield on the way home...nothing too monumental.

While turning into the parking lot of the apartment complex, I saw some of the cherryblossoms slowly drifting down from the trees. At least I think they're cherryblossoms.

At this time of year, I purposely park under the trees so that when I drive off and leave for work in the morning, petals quickly fly off my windshield.

This kind of weather actually makes me smile.

Paper Pet Peeves

I've always been a searcher--- I love tracking down obscure book titles; I love reading references made in other books and learning extra information; I like the whole process of research.

For weeks, I've had tons of journal articles and books at my disposal. I can't complain too much about the messiness of the apartment because right now our bedroom looks like a library...moreso than usual. There's piles all over-- journal artices, MSU books, public library books, & comic books. Whenever I write a paper, I always feel the need to have TONS of resources, half of which I don't even end up using. Better to have more info, than less---that's my theory.

I'm @ the library now. I'm annoyed. It took me about 2 1/2 hours to write a measly 3 pages! And of course, I put myself into a quandary. Found another journal article that I "must have" and can't find the full text version online. Guess I could purchase it but I'd rather just drive to a library and get the publication off of their shelves.

I guess I haven't waited until the very last minute, but to me, this is close enough. Don't know why I do this to myself. I guess if people understood why they procrastinated, then they would no longer procrastinate.

Funny thing is I just got an email from a student. She "forgot" to bring her vocab assignment sheet home and even though I gave her class a week for the assignment, she said she waits until the last minute because she does better that way. She wants an extension... one extra day. I guess in my moment of procrastination, I feel sympathy for her... "I can relate."

Anyway, the paper's coming along fine and all... How's everyone else doing?

Thoughts on the course

At first, when I found out this class was going to be hybrid/online, I wasn't looking forward to it all that much. It's not that I am anti-tech or anything, but I do enjoy the whole classroom experience quite a bit---talking face and face with intelligent adults---a delightful contrast to my workweek full of middle schoolers. I've also always been leery of online classes--- I've known people that have gotten their entire degrees online and the whole thing just seems like a sham. In comparison to my grad classes, it didn't seem like they had as much work.

Anyway, the class turned out to be an excellent experience. In retrospect, coming to MSU's campus every Saturday morning would have been annoying. The fact that we could do a lot of the work @ our own convenience was good. I found comfort in the fact that others would post for the week at late times at night. The online experience was great b/c there was constant feedback and interaction. I liked reading the blogs of our class members--whether the blog entries connected to in-class readings, free time activities, or just pet peeves about students. The discussion board also worked well and helped clarify some things that we were studying. With the discussion board, you could go back every other day or so and see the new additions and thoughts on class readings. If something was confusing, the Discussion Board was a resource; it was also easy to email class members and/or Dr. Dana for feedback.

Since our class was about new literacies, I liked how new literacies were incorporated into our course readings. In Adolescent Lit [last summer], I had Dr. D and we had to read Understanding Comics in there too. Um, I never got through the whole thing:( This semester I tried again and got through the whole book. McCloud takes so many complex ideas and really makes them user-friendly. I think I'd even go back sometime and try to reread it; while he simplifies things quite a bit, I still don't have all of the book's concepts "downpat." I have some other McCloud books that I might read after the course too. The Web 2.0 YouTube clip was also helpful in understanding class material and was a good break from some of the more difficult readings.

One of the biggest mindset changes in me throughout this semester was in regard to video games and online gaming. I've always known there is learning potential in video games (i.e. critical thinking skills, creativity, etc) but I honestly have always thought that they would ultimately lead to people being anti-social. After reading the article "Children Online," from this semester's readings, I did change my mind about video games. I can see how they can incorporate social networking and how users can form mini-communities, in connection to their online games.

This course also came right in time because I recently got a Smartboard and laptops in my classroom. For months before the spring semester, that Smartboard stood in front of my room, not turned on or connected. As soon as this course started, I found myself more open-minded in regard to tech in the classroom. I've started using it and have incorporated UnitedStreaming videos and music/poetry activities into my classroom. I've had the students use the laptops to create presentations too. Previously, I guess I was "scared" they would go to inappropriate sites or something, even though I'd give them assigned sites to go to. I know have realized I just have to "go with the flow;" if they make the choice to go somewhere inappropriate, then I deal out the consequences, just like usual.

I could see myself using the Comic Life software with my students. I think they'd have a lot of fun with it.

I'd like to use blogging with my students in the near future. I think it'd work great with novel units. Students tend to detest comprehension question sheets, but if I don't hand them out, then some students don't read. If the students had to blog in response to the chapters, it would be more meaningful and since the blog posts would be individual, you'd lessen the chance of kids "copying" from one another.

Overall, this class has been a positive experience.
[I know that's a pretty lame ending sentence, but it's just been "one of those weeks."

"Whoever you give attention to is who you give power to"

The subject line is paraphrasing from one of the things that Craig Scott said on today's episode of Oprah. He was making the point that in response to the VA Tech incident, the media has to focus its attention on the victims and the type of people they were. The news stations keep focusing on the shooter and "warning signs," "what could've been done," etc. While that is certainly important, too much focus on Cho Seung-Hui is wrong. That's probably what he would have wanted. Focusing on the shooter also might make other psychologically unsound students want to "be like" Seung-Hui and copy his actions. There have been Columbine copycat attempts and I worry that the media attention on the shooter might bring about more copycat incidents.

The strangeness of it all is that what happened @ Virginia Tech was fucked up, but not totally unsurprising. Yesterday John asked me, "Can you believe this happened?" and I immediately answered, "Yes. " The media does nothing but focus on every facet of violence. Even with the VA Tech shooting---some of the first facts mentioned were that it was now the "biggest school massacre" in history. Even use of the word massacre seems to sensationalize the event. Tragedy is a more accurate word and focuses on the seriousness of the issue. We talk about the psychological instability of the shooter, but not until it is too late and senseless deaths have occurred.

Craig Scott went to Columbine HS and his sister, Rachel, was one of the fatal victims of the 1999 school shooting. He now travels across the country and speaks about the topic of school violence. The website www.rachelschallenge.com is devoted to the cause of preventing school violence.

I'll end this blog entry with some of Craig's words that he spoke in an October 2006 speech. I think they're wise words to consider:

"I've grown up in a culture today that doesn't teach me anything of substance, of value, how it bombards me every day with messages of emptiness and shallowness. And the youth are crying for something to stand for, something to believe in. If it weren't for ……..my family, I possibly could have fallen into the lies that our culture tells us. But now I've traveled, I've spoken to over a million teens across this country. I've not always liked what I've seen in the schools. I've seen depression, anger and loneliness, students without direction or purpose. I've seen students who called themselves cutters, have cut themselves because that's the way they know to take out the pain that they're dealing with. I've learned a lot about my generation. And I've learned a lot since I lost my friends and my sister. And the main thing I've learned is that kindness and compassion can be the biggest antidotes to anger and hatred, and I believe the biggest antidotes to violence.

With the program my father started called, Rachel's Challenge……. we've seen bullying stopped, suicides aborted..How have we done it? We've done it with a simple story of a young girl who believed in compassion……. That was the story of Rachel Joy Scott. But my sister is not the only one who believes in kindness, and she's not been the only one in her brave stance against the injustice willing to stand up for the one who gets put down in school, to sit by the student that sits all alone at lunch, and to talk to or reach out to the one who is consistently ignored or made fun of. She literally has inspired millions of people to continue the chain reaction she started. A lot of those are students across the country.

I've read Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold's journals that were recently released, and basically Eric wrote in one of his journals, "If only you were nicer to me, maybe this wouldn't have happened."
I don't know who else is tired of band-aid answers, but I know band-aids aren't going to save kids from dying. I give every student out there a challenge my sister put down on paper a month before she died when she wrote for her class -- she said, "I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion, it will start a chain reaction of the same. People will never know how far a little kindness can go." "

Spring Break, 2007, woo-hoo!

I can't believe that spring break is over already. Tomorrow is the start of marking period 4. I'm thinking of making some kind of countdown "structure" and hiding it behind my desk---you can't let the kids know you're that excited about the end of the schoolyear---gotta "play it cool."

I hate to be self-indulgent and write one of those "all about my vacation" blogs but, hey, blogs are pretty self-indulgent to begin with. So here we go: highlights from spring break, 2007--- 4 days spent in the lovely West Coast Florida town of Weeki Wachee....and we didnt visit the beach even once... still had fun though.

***Seeing a Dali exhibit in St. Petersburg--- we went along on a guided tour for awhile but soon left the docent behind. I don't need to know EVERY detail of Dali's life. In one painting, there is a double-image of two girls and Voltaire's head. I made the mistake of saying I didn't see the Voltaire image and the docent tried to guide me through it. She then asked, "See it now?" and I replied, "I feel a bit under pressure being in front of like 50 people. I'll look later." :)

***Canoeing! We went canoeing on a small river in Homosassa Springs. We decided to be adventurous and canoe in the "wilder" part of the river. We canoed to a pub and grille. When we docked our canoe, the looks on the pub's patrons was priceless! Ended up talking to some older gents who smugly made fun of us with every "NJ Girls" joke known to exist. Also-- on our canoe adventure, we passed this small plot of land that had monkeys on it--seriously! I also got painful sunburn---on my arms only---the stupidest looking sunburn I've ever had in my life.

***Going to Busch Gardens... You can buy this fun card thing for the same price as you'd pay for regular admission--- so we bought it. Then when you enter the park, if you have the fun card, they scan your fingerprint. I think Busch Gardens is linked to the CIA or something.

***Karaoking at the Pickled Parrot Bar. The stage had this sequined curtain behind it. It was kind of strip-bar-esque. Sang Hilary Duff with all my heart. Some older German guy bought us drinks and then proceeded to growl at Krystal and Jaime. Guess I'm not cute enough to get growled at---and I'm grateful. A poor man's version of Matthew McConanaghey also talked to us for a bit. There's something about a guy with a Southern accent--I kind of like it.

***Getting BBQ sauce confiscated at the airport---ridiculous! I bought this Anheuser-Busch bbq sauce for John's dad. It has beer in it! Since the new policy at the airport is no liquids or gels in carry-on luggage, they took it away. I was so pissed. But it makes for a good story.

Good times.

Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia, etc.

Fox 5 had a story on last night's news about eating disorders and websites that seem to be promoting anorexia and bulimia as certain "lifestyles." Because they didn't want to "encourage" any of their viewers to seek out the website, the news channel specifically stated it was not going to share any specific websites with the audience.

Well, people aren't idiots and can use Google quite easily. Even if you are an idiot, when you search through Google, the site does spellcheck for your search terms, etc.

I was curious about these sites and tracked some of them down tonight. The movements are called Pro-Ana and Pro-Mia, anorexia and bulimia, respectively. It's crazy- on the Pro-Ana site, there's all these daily testimonials from girls [didn't see any from guys] about low calorie consumption, taking speed, etc. One girl was proud of her accomplishment today: 1oo calories consumed. It's crazy. Pro-Mia websites were similar, but Pro-Ana sites seemed more abundant on the web.

I can't imagine obsessing over food like that so much... I mean, I tend to be an "emotional eater" and sometimes tend to overeat...but I can't imagine having food totally be such a focus point of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am borderline compulsive eater, but for the most part, I eat what I should. If I binge, it usually is when I am alone though---which I know is bad. Tonight I wanted a little "treat" of trail mix--I know that "trail mix" is not legitimately healthy when it contains M&Ms and other sweets like this specific mix did. I wanted a little bit-- I finished the bag. I don't get why those type of things happen or why I do them.

I wonder why eating disorders are so abundant in today's society--- I mean, there's a myriad of reasons and it certainly is a complex issue---I just don't know if I completely "get it." When can we be happy with ourselves? It's not an easy question to answer at all.... I was very large in high school, lost weight in college, and have recently gained a little weight back. It's frustrating. It's just food and it's just there to keep us alive and give us nutrition---but why is it such a huge facet of so many of our lives???

Arghs Galore

I need to run outside and scream "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" at the top of my lungs. I need to jog on the ground and pound my feet so hard on the pavement that there is a rhythmic booming sound. Throwing a few glasses and shattering them might feel pretty good now too.

This week has been crazy. Students have been off the wall and I have felt like this dazed person, just walking through this haze of craziness. Sometimes I feel so tired and strained from work that I don't react appropriately to misbehavior. I hate feeling out of energy that much. On Monday, I MUST kick one of those 8th grade bastards out of class. It's mainly two boys who are driving me crazy. They are rude and don't listen, despite being given TONS of chances. And that's my problem... I give chances, I make threats, and then I don't follow through. But Monday, someone has to leave. I don't know why I wait so long to kick someone out of class.

After work, I chaperoned the 6th grade social. Kids were running around like crazy. It's such a surreal experience too. The DJ was playing songs that I knew and liked...yet, I'm standing in the middle of the gym, "chaperoning." It's weird to see kids singing along to songs like "Since You've Been Gone." They huddle in groups and sing the song with such conviction---yet they're 12 years old. What heartbreak have they felt? They sing along to "1985"--a song about a housewife who misses the excitement of her previous years. These kids sing along with it, not realizing what the song is really about. And granted, it's just some stupid pop song...but I think seriously about stuff like that.

Tonight I'm meeting up for dinner with a friend. Tomorrow is poetry workshop. Not too exciting of a weekend. Can't wait for spring break.... I need to do SOMETHING, to be away from work and from kids. It's almost here...