Don't know what it is about me, but I look for the fault in every situation.
I recently read an online article that stated the different personality aspects that affect someone's happiness and longevity in life. One factor that negatively impacted happiness and longevity was cynicism.
I am definitely a cynic, always wondering and questioning things...and always assuming the worst.
Cue Russ, the neighbor.
Russ and his wife have a baby girl, one years old...Madeline. I'm sure they default to calling her "Maddie." They have typical family gatherings for things such as Maddie's birthday, christening, etc. Things center on Maddie. Michelle, Russ's wife, rushes into her "required" mode of transport-- a caravan-- each morning. She is a teacher at a local middle school. She happens to be a reading teacher. I know-- coincidences.
Russ is a good-looking guy. Mid 30s. No, probably late 30s. Most likely balding, as he keeps his hair very close shorn. Okay build--- not fat but certainly not hitting the gym too frequently, if ever.
Michelle is a little homely. In the summer, I sometimes would see her wearing loose v-neck tees and cottony capris. I thought I dressed lazily, but apparently I have competition in that area.
Russ does something business-related. He is always dressed nicely. Who knows-- he could sell cars at a Saturn dealership---but somehow I get that taking-train-into-city vibe. Or... just commuting to somewhere like Seacaucus or Jersey City.
He's crazy into his yard. One morning, I saw him watering his lawn at 5:30. Fucking nuts.
He put up Christmas lights last week. Icicle lights dangling from across the roof... a lit wreath on the door... greenery twining on the railing up the outside stairs. In the back, he even put lights on a tree in the yard. White lights, of course. I HATE white Christmas lights. And white lights on a timer. They go on around 5pm and turn off nightly at 10. Russ and Michelle are always asleep real early. I can't fathom turning out my lights by 9, but by 9pm at their house, it looks like total darkness.
Russ is probably the type of husband who scrapes the ice and snow off his wife's window without being asked to. He probably can "fend for himself," food-wise, if needed. I'm sure he does some of his laundry on his own, though he isn't "perfect" enough to tidily fold his socks and underwear...but they make it into the dresser drawers.
Seems like a nice guy. They seem like a pretty functional couple.... Yet- a part of me asks-- what is that bastard doing on the side?
Monday, December 07, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Observations to pass the time
* I find it amusing [and depressing] that many people do not know how to pronounce the name of our street: Sioux. The pronunciations that people create are interesting, to say the least. The most popular mispronunciation is "SI- UX." Today, the woman with whom I spoke on the phone commented, "American English is hard." I researched and found that the name is modified and has some Canadian French roots but....Um.... it's a Native American tribe.... shouldnt she recognize the name from somewhere??? ...
* It is funny that there is a guy at the gym with arms as "toned" as mine [i.e. not at all] who persists in wearing a sleeveless tee. That's actually a consistent thing with most men at the gym...the sleeveless tee...either purchased "pre-de-sleeved" or homemade via cutting the sleeves off. I don't get it. I revel in the fact that John is pretty muscular but refuses to wear those types of shirts.
*Even funnier than the abundance of sleeveless tees is WHITE Under Armour gear. WHITE. Enough said. Eek.
* A student asked me if I had ever heard of Lady Gaga. Even if you don't actively listen to new "pop" stars, if you glance at magazines or flip on the TV once in a while, then you will be up to date on your pop culture stuff. Me-- I read Perez everyday and own the album, THE FAME. My response to this student was a look, straight in the eye, and a dry "No, I live on Mars."
* The previous owners of this house were huge proponents of Jewish charities. At least 4 times a week, we get solicitations connected to Jewish charities. We also get snazzy catalogs such as THE RESOURCE FOR ALL THINGS JEWISH. No kidding...the title is something along those lines. They have a really cool plaque in which you can put some of the shattered glass from your traditional Jewish wedding.... and cool, artsy menorahs.
* It is funny that there is a guy at the gym with arms as "toned" as mine [i.e. not at all] who persists in wearing a sleeveless tee. That's actually a consistent thing with most men at the gym...the sleeveless tee...either purchased "pre-de-sleeved" or homemade via cutting the sleeves off. I don't get it. I revel in the fact that John is pretty muscular but refuses to wear those types of shirts.
*Even funnier than the abundance of sleeveless tees is WHITE Under Armour gear. WHITE. Enough said. Eek.
* A student asked me if I had ever heard of Lady Gaga. Even if you don't actively listen to new "pop" stars, if you glance at magazines or flip on the TV once in a while, then you will be up to date on your pop culture stuff. Me-- I read Perez everyday and own the album, THE FAME. My response to this student was a look, straight in the eye, and a dry "No, I live on Mars."
* The previous owners of this house were huge proponents of Jewish charities. At least 4 times a week, we get solicitations connected to Jewish charities. We also get snazzy catalogs such as THE RESOURCE FOR ALL THINGS JEWISH. No kidding...the title is something along those lines. They have a really cool plaque in which you can put some of the shattered glass from your traditional Jewish wedding.... and cool, artsy menorahs.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Sunday nights....
I detest Sunday nights.
Just the dread of starting the "work week"--- I hate the feeling hovering over me. I always say that I will get "everything" I need to get done for the weekend completed on Friday, thus leaving me a worry-free weekend. Completing all my work on Friday generally does not happen. I then have all these aspirations of getting the work done over the course of the weekend, in dribs and drabs... leaving work on Friday, my pseudo-briefcase is brimming with paperwork....so much paperwork that when I make a swift turn with the car, papers go flying out of the briefcase and land on the passenger seat on the floor.
Quick flash forward to our current Sunday night.
Those papers are still on my passenger seat floor.
Agh.
I'd grade them if they weren't shit. My students seem so incredibly unmotivated. I try to give them "meaningful" assignments. Recently, a student put me "on the spot" and asked about the purpose behind the class's weekly vocab assignment. I didn't get offended or angry; I simply told him the purposes of the assignment. He still hasn't handed in any of the weekly vocab assignments.
I feel like no matter what I do, some of these students will still be ridiculously unmotivated. I can't help but feel that some of us teachers have made students this way. We seem to "do everything" for them. I laugh when my colleagues give students a super-precise study guide that maps out the exact format and questions that will be on a future test or quiz. We're not really making them independent are we now?
Back to Sunday nights. They amaze me so much because they are full of procrastination. Depending on the "most important task" of the moment, it's interesting what things I will choose to do with my time other than the actual task. Case in point: i'd rather rake or run miles upon miles instead of doing "work work." And I'm not a fan of raking or running at all. It's just interesting how your mindset about something changes when that "thing" is the alternative to a "thing" you want to do even less.
Just the dread of starting the "work week"--- I hate the feeling hovering over me. I always say that I will get "everything" I need to get done for the weekend completed on Friday, thus leaving me a worry-free weekend. Completing all my work on Friday generally does not happen. I then have all these aspirations of getting the work done over the course of the weekend, in dribs and drabs... leaving work on Friday, my pseudo-briefcase is brimming with paperwork....so much paperwork that when I make a swift turn with the car, papers go flying out of the briefcase and land on the passenger seat on the floor.
Quick flash forward to our current Sunday night.
Those papers are still on my passenger seat floor.
Agh.
I'd grade them if they weren't shit. My students seem so incredibly unmotivated. I try to give them "meaningful" assignments. Recently, a student put me "on the spot" and asked about the purpose behind the class's weekly vocab assignment. I didn't get offended or angry; I simply told him the purposes of the assignment. He still hasn't handed in any of the weekly vocab assignments.
I feel like no matter what I do, some of these students will still be ridiculously unmotivated. I can't help but feel that some of us teachers have made students this way. We seem to "do everything" for them. I laugh when my colleagues give students a super-precise study guide that maps out the exact format and questions that will be on a future test or quiz. We're not really making them independent are we now?
Back to Sunday nights. They amaze me so much because they are full of procrastination. Depending on the "most important task" of the moment, it's interesting what things I will choose to do with my time other than the actual task. Case in point: i'd rather rake or run miles upon miles instead of doing "work work." And I'm not a fan of raking or running at all. It's just interesting how your mindset about something changes when that "thing" is the alternative to a "thing" you want to do even less.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Vapidness
Well, after hefting all our stuff into the new [to us...] house, it seems horrible to think about moving all it out. However, that's what I was doing tonight....thinking about moving it out, that is.
I feel down. I hate when I feel like this because it is significantly different from my "normal" cynical, pessimistic self. This "down" is just a feeling of emptiness...if other people with real problems and challenges [loss of job, terminal illnesses, lack of close relationships, family tragedies] heard me say I was down, they would look and me and mutter, "Fuck you."
Things aren't that bad...I realize that.
But driving to class tonight, I started getting upset....
Driving in Jersey is so ridiculous. The roads are so crowded and everyone is so incredibly rude. Driving onto Montclair's campus isn't much better. People cutting you off in traffic, etc. And the air of arrogance that most people walk around with... it's uncanny.
When I walk into class, it's 32 girls chattering on and on. It sounds like loud, indistinct sounds merged together. Kind of reminds me of the "teacher voice" used on Charlie Brown. And I know we're all sitting there, listening intently, thinking about our soon-to-be-received Master's degrees. Some people sit there and you can tell they think highly of themselves...not the "I have a good level of confidence" amount...but just the "I am superior" amount. Meanwhile, I sit there, thinking, "I don't know shit about what my degree is and feel ill-prepared to walk out of this place and call myself a reading specialist....".... so I probably won't.
I just wonder if things would be easier if I packed my shit and moved somewhere less expensive...and less crowded.
They say "grass is always greener on the other side"---in this case, it might actually be true.
I feel down. I hate when I feel like this because it is significantly different from my "normal" cynical, pessimistic self. This "down" is just a feeling of emptiness...if other people with real problems and challenges [loss of job, terminal illnesses, lack of close relationships, family tragedies] heard me say I was down, they would look and me and mutter, "Fuck you."
Things aren't that bad...I realize that.
But driving to class tonight, I started getting upset....
Driving in Jersey is so ridiculous. The roads are so crowded and everyone is so incredibly rude. Driving onto Montclair's campus isn't much better. People cutting you off in traffic, etc. And the air of arrogance that most people walk around with... it's uncanny.
When I walk into class, it's 32 girls chattering on and on. It sounds like loud, indistinct sounds merged together. Kind of reminds me of the "teacher voice" used on Charlie Brown. And I know we're all sitting there, listening intently, thinking about our soon-to-be-received Master's degrees. Some people sit there and you can tell they think highly of themselves...not the "I have a good level of confidence" amount...but just the "I am superior" amount. Meanwhile, I sit there, thinking, "I don't know shit about what my degree is and feel ill-prepared to walk out of this place and call myself a reading specialist....".... so I probably won't.
I just wonder if things would be easier if I packed my shit and moved somewhere less expensive...and less crowded.
They say "grass is always greener on the other side"---in this case, it might actually be true.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Self-Loathing Saturday
We had this cheesy motivational speaker at work the other day. Antics during his presentation included putting a clown nose on his face and making it disappear, then reappear. During most of the presentation, I sat in my chair [utterly uncomfortable--back pressing against metal back of chair] and thought of various other dreadfully boring activities that I'd rather be doing.
Two things stuck out from his presentation though:
1] "The past is not the present."
Sure, the past affects the present and the past is still part of who you are...but it isnt the entirity of who you are. If you had challenges in the past and overcame them... great. If you made mistakes in the past, what has happened has happened...just try to make them again.
2] "Most of us only achieve 20% of our potential."
So yes... I can sit at the kitchen table and read the stupid alumni letter from my college and get irked at reading about others' accomplishments...but it's not like I do not also have the ability to achieve those things. I can sit here on a saturday afternoon and think "I feel fat, unattractive, etc"... or I can get up off my ass and just start my day and be the best I can be. ***I realize the "be the best I can be" statement is ridiculously lame.
I'm just having a shitty Saturday... and i guess what I need to do is go outside, appreciate the beautiful weather, call a friend or two, and sit down and enjoy my free time... instead of sitting here, loathing myself. Easier said than done.
Two things stuck out from his presentation though:
1] "The past is not the present."
Sure, the past affects the present and the past is still part of who you are...but it isnt the entirity of who you are. If you had challenges in the past and overcame them... great. If you made mistakes in the past, what has happened has happened...just try to make them again.
2] "Most of us only achieve 20% of our potential."
So yes... I can sit at the kitchen table and read the stupid alumni letter from my college and get irked at reading about others' accomplishments...but it's not like I do not also have the ability to achieve those things. I can sit here on a saturday afternoon and think "I feel fat, unattractive, etc"... or I can get up off my ass and just start my day and be the best I can be. ***I realize the "be the best I can be" statement is ridiculously lame.
I'm just having a shitty Saturday... and i guess what I need to do is go outside, appreciate the beautiful weather, call a friend or two, and sit down and enjoy my free time... instead of sitting here, loathing myself. Easier said than done.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tech Overload
Wow. I never thought I'd be so into technology. I mean... most "techies" would not consider me to be a person who is so into technology, but this summer has shown itself to be a summer full of technological explorations.
1] Facebook. I originally was anti-Facebook and much preferred Myspace. Soon everyone just kind of moved over to Facebook so I was kind of forced into using that as my social networking tool. But it's a fun site. There's all these cheesy quizzes you can take. You can send virtual gifts [which I think is lame, but I still do it anyway]. Although i used to rag on John for playing World of Warcraft hours on end, I have gotten interested in a Facebook game... Farmville. I'm not that "into" it, but I definitely check my farm's "status" a few times a day. It astounds me that you can add accessories to your farm by paying with real money. Again...the idea of buying virtual things... I don't get it.
2] Blogger. Ok...I have this blog... but then I also suggested to my Weight Watcher cohorts that we start a blog for our Wednesday night group. So now I find myself checking that and seeing what people have written. We only have 5 people on the blog thus far...it hasnt quite hit the "masses" of the Wednesday night group. People get scared of technology...and a lot of the WW people are older and may not be used to blogs, etc.
3] CraigsList. Addictive. We bought new bedroom, living room, and "tv room" furniture. For the dining room, we are going to buy a used set... Each day I check Craigslist for dining rooms. I mostly am entertained... there's a lot of crap out there. I DETEST country style dining room sets. "White-washed" wood is simply horrible. Black lacquer is not "modern" in my mind and just looks tacky. "Shabby chic" is code for "shit."
4] Myspace...because I have hope that one day the masses will return... although I've gotten so used to Facebook.
5] Perez Hilton. I really need to learn more about Obama's healthcare plan and who is running for governor in November. Instead... I know all about Jon Gosselin... I know that Katie Holmes disappointed audience members when she performed on So You Think You Can Dance. I know that Victoria Beckham is no longer doing underwear modeling for Armani. Also, Lily Allen goes from crazy/tacky to fun/glamorous one day to the next.
It's going to suck when summer ends :(
1] Facebook. I originally was anti-Facebook and much preferred Myspace. Soon everyone just kind of moved over to Facebook so I was kind of forced into using that as my social networking tool. But it's a fun site. There's all these cheesy quizzes you can take. You can send virtual gifts [which I think is lame, but I still do it anyway]. Although i used to rag on John for playing World of Warcraft hours on end, I have gotten interested in a Facebook game... Farmville. I'm not that "into" it, but I definitely check my farm's "status" a few times a day. It astounds me that you can add accessories to your farm by paying with real money. Again...the idea of buying virtual things... I don't get it.
2] Blogger. Ok...I have this blog... but then I also suggested to my Weight Watcher cohorts that we start a blog for our Wednesday night group. So now I find myself checking that and seeing what people have written. We only have 5 people on the blog thus far...it hasnt quite hit the "masses" of the Wednesday night group. People get scared of technology...and a lot of the WW people are older and may not be used to blogs, etc.
3] CraigsList. Addictive. We bought new bedroom, living room, and "tv room" furniture. For the dining room, we are going to buy a used set... Each day I check Craigslist for dining rooms. I mostly am entertained... there's a lot of crap out there. I DETEST country style dining room sets. "White-washed" wood is simply horrible. Black lacquer is not "modern" in my mind and just looks tacky. "Shabby chic" is code for "shit."
4] Myspace...because I have hope that one day the masses will return... although I've gotten so used to Facebook.
5] Perez Hilton. I really need to learn more about Obama's healthcare plan and who is running for governor in November. Instead... I know all about Jon Gosselin... I know that Katie Holmes disappointed audience members when she performed on So You Think You Can Dance. I know that Victoria Beckham is no longer doing underwear modeling for Armani. Also, Lily Allen goes from crazy/tacky to fun/glamorous one day to the next.
It's going to suck when summer ends :(
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Suburbanite Observations
It's been 2 weeks+ since we have moved in. I, oddly, find myself annoyed with clutter and "brick-a-brack." I like the streamlined look of our bedroom and how there's nothing messy about it. The junkmail that is inevitably strewn across the kitchen table irritates me, but it can't be helped. I find the packrat in me putting aside window installation coupons, thinking in my head, "Maybe we'll use this soon."
I find myself thinking that maybe I need a stepstool by our bedroom window, so Flash and Lola don't mark up the walls with paw prints when attempting to jump from the ground to the window.
In short, I guess I am now domesticated.
It's interesting to peoplewatch in the neighborhood. Back in the apartment, it was less of peoplewatching and more of listening. I could hear the next door upstairs neighbors loudly fighting. Him calling her a drunk bitch and her trying to have a comeback and ending up slurring her words instead. The downstairs neighbors would have dinner parties and you'd hear laughter. Another neighbor would have friends over for UFC and pay per view events. You'd hear cheering from their apartment.
Our bedroom is in the front of the house. Part of the time this is frustrating because I like my privacy...but I also like looking out the window, from a distance, and watching what everyone is doing.
Some observations:
*Edith IS our neighborhood watch. Her beach chair is perpetually in her front yard and on any day that is not raining, she sits in her chair and watches everything.
*The guy diagonal from us is what I envision as the typical suburban dad. He constantly is working on lawn maintenance. Today it was amusing because as he was "investigating" from dried patches of grass, he was flicking his cigarette's ashes on the lawn.
*Times don't change. Teenagers careen their cars up the street, with loud, awful music blasting. I guess this is considered "cool."
Things are good so far.
I find myself thinking that maybe I need a stepstool by our bedroom window, so Flash and Lola don't mark up the walls with paw prints when attempting to jump from the ground to the window.
In short, I guess I am now domesticated.
It's interesting to peoplewatch in the neighborhood. Back in the apartment, it was less of peoplewatching and more of listening. I could hear the next door upstairs neighbors loudly fighting. Him calling her a drunk bitch and her trying to have a comeback and ending up slurring her words instead. The downstairs neighbors would have dinner parties and you'd hear laughter. Another neighbor would have friends over for UFC and pay per view events. You'd hear cheering from their apartment.
Our bedroom is in the front of the house. Part of the time this is frustrating because I like my privacy...but I also like looking out the window, from a distance, and watching what everyone is doing.
Some observations:
*Edith IS our neighborhood watch. Her beach chair is perpetually in her front yard and on any day that is not raining, she sits in her chair and watches everything.
*The guy diagonal from us is what I envision as the typical suburban dad. He constantly is working on lawn maintenance. Today it was amusing because as he was "investigating" from dried patches of grass, he was flicking his cigarette's ashes on the lawn.
*Times don't change. Teenagers careen their cars up the street, with loud, awful music blasting. I guess this is considered "cool."
Things are good so far.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Aww.
I love eavesdropping on conversations...although eavesdropping is not the exact word I am looking for. I like hearing snippets of conversation in the background of whatever I am doing:)
Yesterday, I was walking around the apartment complex, getting my 10000 steps in. This beige car (Toyota Corolla, functional, simple) pulled up to the curb of one of the buildings. Out from the driver's side stepped a man dressed in a dress shirt and khakis. Walking down the sidewalk toward the car was a woman (about the man's age-- mid 50s?) who was all dressed up in a black dress. He opened the trunk and she put an overnight bag in (my guess is they were on their way to an overnight/weekend trip to AC).
He asked her, "How are you doing?"
She replied, "Great. How are you?"
And then he said.... "I'm great now that you're here."
Aww:) It makes me smile to hear those things in real life.
Although I do have to say... the cynic in me... if a guy said that to me, I'd have to really force myself not to giggle or accidentally roll my eyes.
Overall though...that type of cheesiness would probably make me beam:)
Yesterday, I was walking around the apartment complex, getting my 10000 steps in. This beige car (Toyota Corolla, functional, simple) pulled up to the curb of one of the buildings. Out from the driver's side stepped a man dressed in a dress shirt and khakis. Walking down the sidewalk toward the car was a woman (about the man's age-- mid 50s?) who was all dressed up in a black dress. He opened the trunk and she put an overnight bag in (my guess is they were on their way to an overnight/weekend trip to AC).
He asked her, "How are you doing?"
She replied, "Great. How are you?"
And then he said.... "I'm great now that you're here."
Aww:) It makes me smile to hear those things in real life.
Although I do have to say... the cynic in me... if a guy said that to me, I'd have to really force myself not to giggle or accidentally roll my eyes.
Overall though...that type of cheesiness would probably make me beam:)
Monday, June 15, 2009
Slowly but surely....
We will be moved out of this apartment.
We closed on the house today. Our lawyer was a literal mess. His entire office was full of various piles of file folders, bound together by huge binder clips. I do the same thing to organize class sets of essays when they are handed in... but... I am a teacher...not a legal representative.
His swivel chair was also missing a back and one of the arms. When he left the room to xerox something, John took a photo with his cell phone. I broke into laughter. When the lawyer returned back into the room, it took all the self-control I could gather to not start laughing boisterously.
We haven't started too much packing. There's so much stuff...it's overwhelming.
But we're making progress.
Today, I faced the fact that even though they're my "favorite jeans," if they have holes not only at the knee but on both the ass and crotch, plus on both lower ankles, then maybe they can be thrown out. Little steps...little steps... hopefully we'll be out of here by the end of the lease....
We closed on the house today. Our lawyer was a literal mess. His entire office was full of various piles of file folders, bound together by huge binder clips. I do the same thing to organize class sets of essays when they are handed in... but... I am a teacher...not a legal representative.
His swivel chair was also missing a back and one of the arms. When he left the room to xerox something, John took a photo with his cell phone. I broke into laughter. When the lawyer returned back into the room, it took all the self-control I could gather to not start laughing boisterously.
We haven't started too much packing. There's so much stuff...it's overwhelming.
But we're making progress.
Today, I faced the fact that even though they're my "favorite jeans," if they have holes not only at the knee but on both the ass and crotch, plus on both lower ankles, then maybe they can be thrown out. Little steps...little steps... hopefully we'll be out of here by the end of the lease....
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Rollercoaster
I am back "on" with Weight Watchers. I was not ever officially "off" but whenever I don't psychotically track, I gain weight. So annoying. It's not like I've been having pizza, burgers, shakes, chips, etc. I treated myself to some beers last weekend. Otherwise, I ate fine... or so I thought...2 pounds up.
Argh.
John says if i build muscle and start using weights, things will balance out. How stubborn people can be... because I realize he is right but i HATE the weight room side of the gym...so here I continue on... keeping up with cardio but not having huge results.
I witnessed something odd at the food store today and thought to myself, "Ok, I NEVER want to be like THAT." This "large" lady was passing me by in the coffee/cookies/etc aisle. She stopped her cart in front of the biscotis on display and said aloud, "Oh I love those things." She definitely was not targeting her comment toward anyone in particular. Instead, she just seemed to have the name to utter this comment of food favoritism aloud. I thought it was kind of sad.
Another way I don't ever want to be is... post pregnancy...one of those women who just "lets herself go"...who assumes it's ok to walk around in elasticized jeans [eek] and huge tshirts/hoodies because... she is taking care of a child. Obviously when you have a child, it is a life-altering experience but I don't think that means you should let yourself be a lesser version of your previous self. What does that say to your child, in the long run?
Ok...onward and upward...but not on the scale:)
Argh.
John says if i build muscle and start using weights, things will balance out. How stubborn people can be... because I realize he is right but i HATE the weight room side of the gym...so here I continue on... keeping up with cardio but not having huge results.
I witnessed something odd at the food store today and thought to myself, "Ok, I NEVER want to be like THAT." This "large" lady was passing me by in the coffee/cookies/etc aisle. She stopped her cart in front of the biscotis on display and said aloud, "Oh I love those things." She definitely was not targeting her comment toward anyone in particular. Instead, she just seemed to have the name to utter this comment of food favoritism aloud. I thought it was kind of sad.
Another way I don't ever want to be is... post pregnancy...one of those women who just "lets herself go"...who assumes it's ok to walk around in elasticized jeans [eek] and huge tshirts/hoodies because... she is taking care of a child. Obviously when you have a child, it is a life-altering experience but I don't think that means you should let yourself be a lesser version of your previous self. What does that say to your child, in the long run?
Ok...onward and upward...but not on the scale:)
Monday, June 01, 2009
Fuck you. I love you.
There's nothing quite like unleashing a tirade of curses upon your husband and then, hours later, still being able to lie beside each other in bed, do your silly-voice-talk, and fall asleep together.
John had me work out with him yesterday. We used kettle bells and I got to a point where I was like, "Forget it. I'll run. I'll do anything other than this." So, of course he then had me do 50 kettle bell swings and a jog around the apartment complex. After time #1, I figured we were done. I could, at last, go inside, drink some cold water, and sit down and read. I'm reading this book called Don't You Forget About Me. It's nothing stellar but it makes slight mention of the 1980s and takes place in a "fictitious" area that closely resembles Morristown, Chatham, etc. The author even mentions the Nautilus, aka "Nauseous" Diner.
We ended up doing the 50 kettle bell swing and run around the apartment complex a 2nd time. John has this great ability of making me push myself. I still don't give it my all, but it's better than me just going upstairs. After the 2nd time around, I felt pretty dead. Face red. Body crashing down onto the grass.
Even though it was a tough workout and despite saying "Whatever" and "I can't" and even a few "Fuck yous," I felt good after the workout. Even today...the back of my legs kill but...it feels good.
This week is already feeling significantly better than last week. There's something to be said for that whole body/mind connection idea.
John had me work out with him yesterday. We used kettle bells and I got to a point where I was like, "Forget it. I'll run. I'll do anything other than this." So, of course he then had me do 50 kettle bell swings and a jog around the apartment complex. After time #1, I figured we were done. I could, at last, go inside, drink some cold water, and sit down and read. I'm reading this book called Don't You Forget About Me. It's nothing stellar but it makes slight mention of the 1980s and takes place in a "fictitious" area that closely resembles Morristown, Chatham, etc. The author even mentions the Nautilus, aka "Nauseous" Diner.
We ended up doing the 50 kettle bell swing and run around the apartment complex a 2nd time. John has this great ability of making me push myself. I still don't give it my all, but it's better than me just going upstairs. After the 2nd time around, I felt pretty dead. Face red. Body crashing down onto the grass.
Even though it was a tough workout and despite saying "Whatever" and "I can't" and even a few "Fuck yous," I felt good after the workout. Even today...the back of my legs kill but...it feels good.
This week is already feeling significantly better than last week. There's something to be said for that whole body/mind connection idea.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
karma
I shouldn't have made the "fat people" post... Despite eating healthy this week...the only exceptions being pigging out on food at John's parents late night on Friday [after being starved from a raw foods, 16 bite "feast"]...I gained 2.2 pounds. Karma.
Am so frustrated. John says if I add some strength training to my workout that it will help balance the weight loss and make it more consistent. I don't want to do strength training :( Other people at Weight Watchers "treat themselves" to weekly gorge fests on pizza, fries, etc. The last time I have had those foods... I can't even recall:( My metabolism, etc annoys me.
Also...lately...I find myself in a conflict with social networking sites. Part of me likes reading about friends and sharing thoughts, etc. Part of me thinks that these sites end up making me feel lonesome or sad. People seem to post [almost in a bragging manner] all these highlights of their lives. Additionally, it seems like we do more "commenting" back and forth than in "live," in-person time. Can make someone actually feel more out of touch with their "friends" than in touch. I sometimes think it'd be worthwhile to just get rid of myspace, facebook, etc.
Then... I worry what I would do with my time. Most likely it would be way more productive than [essentially] staring at a screen and taking silly "quizzes" like "What Beatles song are you?" and "What your birthdate says about you."
Am so frustrated. John says if I add some strength training to my workout that it will help balance the weight loss and make it more consistent. I don't want to do strength training :( Other people at Weight Watchers "treat themselves" to weekly gorge fests on pizza, fries, etc. The last time I have had those foods... I can't even recall:( My metabolism, etc annoys me.
Also...lately...I find myself in a conflict with social networking sites. Part of me likes reading about friends and sharing thoughts, etc. Part of me thinks that these sites end up making me feel lonesome or sad. People seem to post [almost in a bragging manner] all these highlights of their lives. Additionally, it seems like we do more "commenting" back and forth than in "live," in-person time. Can make someone actually feel more out of touch with their "friends" than in touch. I sometimes think it'd be worthwhile to just get rid of myspace, facebook, etc.
Then... I worry what I would do with my time. Most likely it would be way more productive than [essentially] staring at a screen and taking silly "quizzes" like "What Beatles song are you?" and "What your birthdate says about you."
Monday, May 18, 2009
from 18 Days Without You, by Anne Sexton
December 16th
Once upon a time
you grew up in a bedroom the size of a dime
and shared it with your sister. That was West End
Avenue in Manhattan. Longing for country you were penned
into city, peering across the Hudson at Palisades Park.
The boy in you played stickball until it was dark.
One upon a time
I was the only child forbidden to climb
over the garden wall. I didn't dare to speak
up over the Victorian houseful of rare antiques.
My dolls were all proper, waiting in neat rows.
My room was high ceilinged, lonely and full of echoes.
Once upon a time
you said, "Now that the cabin is ours,
I'm going to run the power in."
And we had a power party.
I made gingham curtains. We nailed up your Doctoral degree.
We turned the stove on twice. Oh my love, oh my louse,
we make our own electricity while we play house.
Once upon a time
you grew up in a bedroom the size of a dime
and shared it with your sister. That was West End
Avenue in Manhattan. Longing for country you were penned
into city, peering across the Hudson at Palisades Park.
The boy in you played stickball until it was dark.
One upon a time
I was the only child forbidden to climb
over the garden wall. I didn't dare to speak
up over the Victorian houseful of rare antiques.
My dolls were all proper, waiting in neat rows.
My room was high ceilinged, lonely and full of echoes.
Once upon a time
you said, "Now that the cabin is ours,
I'm going to run the power in."
And we had a power party.
I made gingham curtains. We nailed up your Doctoral degree.
We turned the stove on twice. Oh my love, oh my louse,
we make our own electricity while we play house.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Insensitive Bitch...or maybe just a realist
Losing weight has turned me into an aggressive bitch. Case in point: I was at Costco today, trying to navigate consumerism hell on earth. It wasn't even that it was crowded but simply that tons of fat, lazy people were slowly trudging through the store... stopping every five seconds to wait 1-2 minutes for a tiny food morsel sample. It was so annoying. In my head, I was thinking things like, "Move out my way, you fat fuck," "Could your pants be any tighter?," etc.
I NEVER thought this way before.
I guess losing weight has just made me annoyed with other people who, voluntarily, allow themselves to be unhealthy.... unattractive.... lazy...etc. All those traits go together. I wish that stores would stop selling huge sizes. Maybe then people would be motivated to try to take care of themselves--- public humiliation tends to do the trick in many scenarios.
I feel the best I have felt in a long time...probably ever. I can't imagine going back to what I was before...not that I was even anything too horrific. But, it's like once you improve yourself and see all the other positive changes that come along with that one initial improvement, theres no way you will go back to the way things were.
I really don't spend much of my own time thinking about other "fat" people...it's just something that was on my mind today...amidst the gluttons shopping @ Costco.
I NEVER thought this way before.
I guess losing weight has just made me annoyed with other people who, voluntarily, allow themselves to be unhealthy.... unattractive.... lazy...etc. All those traits go together. I wish that stores would stop selling huge sizes. Maybe then people would be motivated to try to take care of themselves--- public humiliation tends to do the trick in many scenarios.
I feel the best I have felt in a long time...probably ever. I can't imagine going back to what I was before...not that I was even anything too horrific. But, it's like once you improve yourself and see all the other positive changes that come along with that one initial improvement, theres no way you will go back to the way things were.
I really don't spend much of my own time thinking about other "fat" people...it's just something that was on my mind today...amidst the gluttons shopping @ Costco.
Friday, May 08, 2009
temperate skies
The weather of the past week has made me feel like we're in that Ray Bradbury short story, "All Summer in a Day." I witnessed the bright sun shining today, so I guess I won't be playing the part of the girl who gets locked in the closet--- imprisoned long enough to miss the sun shining, let out just in time to see the rain begin to pour again.
While I previously was intrigued by the idea of living in a primarily rainy area like Seattle, this week has confirmed that I would never want to permanently live in a place like that. The rain has been miserable.
The forecast for tonight and tomorrow is rainstorms...again. Right now, there's a light breeze outside and the fading sunlight is slipping through the gaps between trees, branches, and leaves. I like the contrast between the warm temperature outside and the slight chill of the breeze passing by.
I am not really in the mood for welcoming more rain, but I wouldn't mind a full-blown hail storm sometime soon. I remember when I was younger... I ran outside during a hail storm and "caught" hail in a bucket. I then proceeded to keep the bucket in the freezer for quite a few months. I have to start doing silly things like that again, sometime soon.
While I previously was intrigued by the idea of living in a primarily rainy area like Seattle, this week has confirmed that I would never want to permanently live in a place like that. The rain has been miserable.
The forecast for tonight and tomorrow is rainstorms...again. Right now, there's a light breeze outside and the fading sunlight is slipping through the gaps between trees, branches, and leaves. I like the contrast between the warm temperature outside and the slight chill of the breeze passing by.
I am not really in the mood for welcoming more rain, but I wouldn't mind a full-blown hail storm sometime soon. I remember when I was younger... I ran outside during a hail storm and "caught" hail in a bucket. I then proceeded to keep the bucket in the freezer for quite a few months. I have to start doing silly things like that again, sometime soon.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Fascination with accents
Any guy who comes to "the states" and has an accent should never be single. As in, there shouldnt be the possibility of singledom for him. American women LOVE accents.
Last night, Jen, Val, and I went out. Two guys were talking to us. One was the "dominant" guy---he came up to us first, started the conversation, etc. His friend (average height, glasses, not super attractive but not unattractive either] just kind of stood nearby, not saying anything. Later in the evening, he revealed that he is the "wingman" when him and his friend go out. Amusing.
When he finally spoke later in the evening, it turned out he had an accent. He's from Wales. Of course, all of us replied, "Oh, England?," to which he replied again, "No, Wales." I'd love to take an informal survey of Americans who actually know and/or recognize Wales as an actual country.
Chris (Welsh guy) was saying he has kind of sworn off dating and given up. Unbelievable. I told him he needs to go to a laundromat, carefully fold his wash, and make sure he goes to the counter and asks for change or some other simple request, making sure to put his voice at a good volume. The minute any woman hears an accent---bam---that's it.
American women are fascinated by accents. I've seen the same scenario occur amongst myself, friends, others: you may be bored with someone or just indifferent. The minute that accent is heard, you are immediately interested. It's something unique. Exciting. Unknown territory.
Last night, Jen, Val, and I went out. Two guys were talking to us. One was the "dominant" guy---he came up to us first, started the conversation, etc. His friend (average height, glasses, not super attractive but not unattractive either] just kind of stood nearby, not saying anything. Later in the evening, he revealed that he is the "wingman" when him and his friend go out. Amusing.
When he finally spoke later in the evening, it turned out he had an accent. He's from Wales. Of course, all of us replied, "Oh, England?," to which he replied again, "No, Wales." I'd love to take an informal survey of Americans who actually know and/or recognize Wales as an actual country.
Chris (Welsh guy) was saying he has kind of sworn off dating and given up. Unbelievable. I told him he needs to go to a laundromat, carefully fold his wash, and make sure he goes to the counter and asks for change or some other simple request, making sure to put his voice at a good volume. The minute any woman hears an accent---bam---that's it.
American women are fascinated by accents. I've seen the same scenario occur amongst myself, friends, others: you may be bored with someone or just indifferent. The minute that accent is heard, you are immediately interested. It's something unique. Exciting. Unknown territory.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Nostalgia?....
Such a contradiction--- thinking that it is ridiculous that people constantly update their Twitter, Facebook, Myspace--- but the same time consciously being "concerned" that I don't have a lot of "friends" on those social networking sites--- Trying to do better things with my time--- finding myself sitting online and doing just about nothing productive with my time.
At 28, I mean, I guess I feel "mature"--- in some ways. But I feel like I've been in my current state for awhile. I've definitely changed over the past few years, feeling more confident probably being the biggest change--- but parts of me still feel like I'm not that far off from how I used to be.
I sometimes laugh at the popularity of certain bands and artists. Take Fall Out Boy. Pete Wentz is MY AGE--- but still dressing in skin tight, colored jeans a la Hot Topic---still getting tons of fans in the middle school/high school age group. Makes me think about music choices too. How do your music choices transcend time?
I, like every teenage girl, had Alanis Morrissette's Jagged Little Pill--- back in '95. Morissette was 21 when the album came out--- I'm sure some of the songs were written earlier than when she was 21 but, nonetheless, most of the album seemed reflective of her experiences. . . . I was 15 but somehow felt "connected" to the album...somehow felt I could relate to the anger in "You Oughtta Know," in addition to other songs... despite not even reaching the rite of passage of first kiss, let alone having someone fuck you and then leave.
I listened to that album today. Also listened to some old Fiona Apple albums recently. The albums still resonate with me. This leads me to asking--- is it nostalgia... or just pathetic?
At least I can feel happy with myself knowing that I will not utter that I feel "connected" to those albums. After a few tracks, the whining, angst-ridden lyrics get pretty aggravating.
At 28, I mean, I guess I feel "mature"--- in some ways. But I feel like I've been in my current state for awhile. I've definitely changed over the past few years, feeling more confident probably being the biggest change--- but parts of me still feel like I'm not that far off from how I used to be.
I sometimes laugh at the popularity of certain bands and artists. Take Fall Out Boy. Pete Wentz is MY AGE--- but still dressing in skin tight, colored jeans a la Hot Topic---still getting tons of fans in the middle school/high school age group. Makes me think about music choices too. How do your music choices transcend time?
I, like every teenage girl, had Alanis Morrissette's Jagged Little Pill--- back in '95. Morissette was 21 when the album came out--- I'm sure some of the songs were written earlier than when she was 21 but, nonetheless, most of the album seemed reflective of her experiences. . . . I was 15 but somehow felt "connected" to the album...somehow felt I could relate to the anger in "You Oughtta Know," in addition to other songs... despite not even reaching the rite of passage of first kiss, let alone having someone fuck you and then leave.
I listened to that album today. Also listened to some old Fiona Apple albums recently. The albums still resonate with me. This leads me to asking--- is it nostalgia... or just pathetic?
At least I can feel happy with myself knowing that I will not utter that I feel "connected" to those albums. After a few tracks, the whining, angst-ridden lyrics get pretty aggravating.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Rainy Days and Mondays
It probably ages me significantly---the fact that I think of that song whenever it rains on a Monday. I remember when I was 7 or 8. They had this TV special on Karen Carpenter--- a mini-movie made for TV. I remember being fascinated--- the whole anorexia thing. How someone could get herself to a point of looking so frail-- and how no one really stopped her.
I'm not a huge Carpenters fan. Always thought the closeness between Richard and Karen was kind of weird too. But I do appreciate listening to the greatest hits album every once in awhile.
I love rainy days. With the exception of blow drying/styling my hair and then having the rain fuck it up, I love rainy days. They somehow energize me. I laugh at how people scurry around quickly, attempting to not get a single drop of rain water on themselves. Traffic is another thing. People just become possessed by some craziness. Suddenly, it's 5:00 and there's a constant stream of ambulance lights glittering up and down the highway. You hear police sirens more often, or so it seems.
The best time is before it rains too--- when you can smell the wetness in the air, smell earthiness, mixed in with the scent of asphalt--it does have a scent.
I'm not a huge Carpenters fan. Always thought the closeness between Richard and Karen was kind of weird too. But I do appreciate listening to the greatest hits album every once in awhile.
I love rainy days. With the exception of blow drying/styling my hair and then having the rain fuck it up, I love rainy days. They somehow energize me. I laugh at how people scurry around quickly, attempting to not get a single drop of rain water on themselves. Traffic is another thing. People just become possessed by some craziness. Suddenly, it's 5:00 and there's a constant stream of ambulance lights glittering up and down the highway. You hear police sirens more often, or so it seems.
The best time is before it rains too--- when you can smell the wetness in the air, smell earthiness, mixed in with the scent of asphalt--it does have a scent.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Melange of Sunday night thoughts
I don't know why I waste my time so much. I go through phases... sometimes I want to be out and about A LOT. This weekend was filled with a lot of sleep...mostly from avoidance of the grad school paper/presentation due tuesday. I worry the professor will ask some question about my research methods, seeking an answer from me which includes words like "standard deviation, correlation, etc." I'm worried I won't have an answer. But honestly...the worst that can happen is I simply say, "I don't know." It's just some stupid paper anyway.
The thing I did accomplish this weekend was going to the gym 3x in a row. Mostly lazy workouts though...elliptical. Lots of elliptical. Despite taking the weight training class, I still can't make my way over to the weights area. I just feel uncomfortable.
Just was going through my quote journal and re-reading some things. Despite having sad undertones, Bernhard Schlink's THE READER has some beautiful language, some lovely words about love too. I enjoy how a literary piece could be about the most gloomy topic, yet still have some rays of joy shining through. Another book vivid in my mind is Jarhead. Whole book about being amidst war, but I recall two or three pages in which the author describes getting ready to come back to the US. The night before leaving, he made love to a Japanese girl who he had known awhile; she had a boyfriend that had recently returned to her too. But Anthony Swofford's language is beautiful: "I sucked her breath from her mouth and she bit my tongue until it bled. As the sun broke into the barracks, we wept, and she kissed my chest softly."
It was annoying when they made Jarhead into a movie because the movie... sucked. And I'm pretty certain that the lovely aforementioned scene was definitely not included.
Onto other topics: Spring is here! Frankly, the beautiful daytime weather leads to instant slackerdom... I just want to sit outside and read all day. I'm happy that the trees are flowering too. Wish I knew the names of the "species," or phylum...or whatever word categorizes trees more specifically.
The thing I did accomplish this weekend was going to the gym 3x in a row. Mostly lazy workouts though...elliptical. Lots of elliptical. Despite taking the weight training class, I still can't make my way over to the weights area. I just feel uncomfortable.
Just was going through my quote journal and re-reading some things. Despite having sad undertones, Bernhard Schlink's THE READER has some beautiful language, some lovely words about love too. I enjoy how a literary piece could be about the most gloomy topic, yet still have some rays of joy shining through. Another book vivid in my mind is Jarhead. Whole book about being amidst war, but I recall two or three pages in which the author describes getting ready to come back to the US. The night before leaving, he made love to a Japanese girl who he had known awhile; she had a boyfriend that had recently returned to her too. But Anthony Swofford's language is beautiful: "I sucked her breath from her mouth and she bit my tongue until it bled. As the sun broke into the barracks, we wept, and she kissed my chest softly."
It was annoying when they made Jarhead into a movie because the movie... sucked. And I'm pretty certain that the lovely aforementioned scene was definitely not included.
Onto other topics: Spring is here! Frankly, the beautiful daytime weather leads to instant slackerdom... I just want to sit outside and read all day. I'm happy that the trees are flowering too. Wish I knew the names of the "species," or phylum...or whatever word categorizes trees more specifically.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Getting ahead
Today, I came to a conclusion. Getting ahead does not necessarily have to do with being smart, being talented, or even being good at what you do. A lot of times, the people who get ahead are the ones who get off their ass and actually try to move forward. They take that first step. They are the ones would laugh at my "Procrastinators unite!!... tomorrow" t shirt but would never make that motto a part of their daily life.
I am looking to change positions at work. No, there would be no pay increase. No, I will not have more "power" or authority. Rather, I will simply be happier...or so I think.
This current Writing class they have me teaching is bullshit. The kids don't like it as much as they liked the Reading "supplemental" class---and they barely tolerated that class, as it was. Also, my class numbers are ridiculous. Three different preps, 150 WRITING students. The Language Arts teachers have 90 students. Totally unfair. It's just a shitty situation.
There's an opening for a Basic Skills/Gifted and Talented instructor. The preps would suck. It's all three grade levels, both Basic Skills in Math and LA and the Gifted/Talented curriculum. BUT... the light at the end of the tunnel, you ask? Significantly smaller class numbers. Also--the students have the class in "cycles." so as soon as I got through the prep work for cycle one, I'd be able to repeat it.
I told the principal I was interested, but have not done anything beyond that to attempt to "secure" my position in the job. A co-worker told me to write a letter in which I state my qualifications. 1] I am lazy, but 2] I feel like a jackass--"stating my qualifications."
There's someone else interested in the position. I think I can do way better than her. So...guess I should sit my ass down and prepare to be a jackass and write my letter of qualification... The alternative is another year of this Writing hell...
I am looking to change positions at work. No, there would be no pay increase. No, I will not have more "power" or authority. Rather, I will simply be happier...or so I think.
This current Writing class they have me teaching is bullshit. The kids don't like it as much as they liked the Reading "supplemental" class---and they barely tolerated that class, as it was. Also, my class numbers are ridiculous. Three different preps, 150 WRITING students. The Language Arts teachers have 90 students. Totally unfair. It's just a shitty situation.
There's an opening for a Basic Skills/Gifted and Talented instructor. The preps would suck. It's all three grade levels, both Basic Skills in Math and LA and the Gifted/Talented curriculum. BUT... the light at the end of the tunnel, you ask? Significantly smaller class numbers. Also--the students have the class in "cycles." so as soon as I got through the prep work for cycle one, I'd be able to repeat it.
I told the principal I was interested, but have not done anything beyond that to attempt to "secure" my position in the job. A co-worker told me to write a letter in which I state my qualifications. 1] I am lazy, but 2] I feel like a jackass--"stating my qualifications."
There's someone else interested in the position. I think I can do way better than her. So...guess I should sit my ass down and prepare to be a jackass and write my letter of qualification... The alternative is another year of this Writing hell...
Monday, April 06, 2009
Wow. First a reed, then Cameron
Awesome times, really. Ok...so I am doing well with losing weight. Last night, Val's fiance said, "Where are your hips?" I didn't tell him and Val that I was doing Weight Watchers. I hate telling people I am watching my weight/on a diet plan. Then, each time they see you, they expect to see this monumental change in your weight....and it doesn't happen that way.
But last night David was like, "Where are your hips? You've lost weight." It cracks me up that guys mistake "chunk" on the sides of your body for hips. I mean...geez...I still have hips--just have a little less chunk.
John's aunt saw me about a month ago and said, "Oh my gosh! You're a reed." Seriously, the biggest compliment I have ever gotten:)
Last night at karaoke, Siler said I remind him of Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels... no...I am not suddenly 5'11" and super thin. He sent me the link today... I've never seen the movie...but the scene he sent me is a scene of her dancing around, silly, in the morning. And... it's not too far off from how I am when I am around the apartment alone. Sometimes...I dance in front of a mirror and lip sync to songs by Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Good times :)I used to hold back so much of myself and be concerned about what people thought. I'm still concerned but... am willing to rap Salt N Peppa's "Shoop" in the middle of a gay bar with rabbit ears on my head:)
But last night David was like, "Where are your hips? You've lost weight." It cracks me up that guys mistake "chunk" on the sides of your body for hips. I mean...geez...I still have hips--just have a little less chunk.
John's aunt saw me about a month ago and said, "Oh my gosh! You're a reed." Seriously, the biggest compliment I have ever gotten:)
Last night at karaoke, Siler said I remind him of Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels... no...I am not suddenly 5'11" and super thin. He sent me the link today... I've never seen the movie...but the scene he sent me is a scene of her dancing around, silly, in the morning. And... it's not too far off from how I am when I am around the apartment alone. Sometimes...I dance in front of a mirror and lip sync to songs by Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Good times :)I used to hold back so much of myself and be concerned about what people thought. I'm still concerned but... am willing to rap Salt N Peppa's "Shoop" in the middle of a gay bar with rabbit ears on my head:)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Avoidance
Ah. Inspirational quotations. I hate the ones that are like "Getting up the hill is half the battle," blah blah blah. I rarely put myself in the situation where I am getting up the proverbial hill.
Most of my life, I've had this habit of quitting things when they are challenging...or simply avoiding them. Case in point: college. Despite going to a tiny private college that didn't exactly have tons of literature offerings for an English major, I somehow managed to avoid Victorian Lit and Medieval Lit. Did everything I could to make sure I didn't take those courses. Second example: quitting clarinet when we got to the high notes. I had played the instrument in upper elementary school and it was pretty easy (also part of the reason I chose the clarinet: rumors of its easiness). Once middle school hit and we had to play the high notes, bam, I was out the door.
I am taking a Research Methods class now and avoidance is not a possibility. Honestly though, the whole talk of significant research, p values, t tests, and standard deviations. It makes no sense to me. I feel like an absolute idiot. It's incredibly frustrating....because...damn... I can't quit the class. Well.. I could but...
Another thing is my lack of financial knowledge. I know credit cards screw you but I simply pay the whole bill each month and avoid the whole "screwing" issue. But I don't know a thing about APR, interest, etc. Now it's time for us to do income taxes and I'd like to try them on my own (usually pay an accountant for an income tax return that people tell me is simple) but am afraid I will mess it up.
Yes... now indeed that would be hilarious. The IRS coming to arrest the teacher and retail manager in their meager one bedroom apartment.
Most of my life, I've had this habit of quitting things when they are challenging...or simply avoiding them. Case in point: college. Despite going to a tiny private college that didn't exactly have tons of literature offerings for an English major, I somehow managed to avoid Victorian Lit and Medieval Lit. Did everything I could to make sure I didn't take those courses. Second example: quitting clarinet when we got to the high notes. I had played the instrument in upper elementary school and it was pretty easy (also part of the reason I chose the clarinet: rumors of its easiness). Once middle school hit and we had to play the high notes, bam, I was out the door.
I am taking a Research Methods class now and avoidance is not a possibility. Honestly though, the whole talk of significant research, p values, t tests, and standard deviations. It makes no sense to me. I feel like an absolute idiot. It's incredibly frustrating....because...damn... I can't quit the class. Well.. I could but...
Another thing is my lack of financial knowledge. I know credit cards screw you but I simply pay the whole bill each month and avoid the whole "screwing" issue. But I don't know a thing about APR, interest, etc. Now it's time for us to do income taxes and I'd like to try them on my own (usually pay an accountant for an income tax return that people tell me is simple) but am afraid I will mess it up.
Yes... now indeed that would be hilarious. The IRS coming to arrest the teacher and retail manager in their meager one bedroom apartment.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Pseudo Genetics
When I look at my wedding photos, I see a strong resemblance between my mother and me. I definitely have her eyes. My smile looks exactly like her smile when she was my age-- cheeks slightly protruding, eyes crinkling, and mouth widely smiling.
Some people in my family have said I resemble my father. I don't really see it. I definitely have his hair --- thick --- it takes an eternity to dry. Other than that, I don't see any resemblances.
It saddens me. If I looked like him, I could feel that there was a part of him within me -- basically every time I looked in the mirror.
Although I didn't know my father too long before he passed away, there's certain personality/ non-genetic traits of his that I like to think I somehow "inherited."
My mom talks about how my dad used to go to garage sales and flea markets all the time. When he passed away, apparently the basement was filled with "junk"-- my mother's words, not mine.
Somehow I think the concept of someone's "trash" being another's "treasure" has been passed down to me. I love going to garage sales, flea markets, and thrift shops. While some people consider buying things from those places as buying "used" stuff, I think it's almost a sharing experience. Case in point: I love buying a used book and seeing the lines that someone else highlighted, or the notes that were written in the margin. Sometimes when I see the highlighted lines, I ask, "Why? What's so important" and...
sometimes...even better... I say, "Yeah, I'd highlight that too."
Some people in my family have said I resemble my father. I don't really see it. I definitely have his hair --- thick --- it takes an eternity to dry. Other than that, I don't see any resemblances.
It saddens me. If I looked like him, I could feel that there was a part of him within me -- basically every time I looked in the mirror.
Although I didn't know my father too long before he passed away, there's certain personality/ non-genetic traits of his that I like to think I somehow "inherited."
My mom talks about how my dad used to go to garage sales and flea markets all the time. When he passed away, apparently the basement was filled with "junk"-- my mother's words, not mine.
Somehow I think the concept of someone's "trash" being another's "treasure" has been passed down to me. I love going to garage sales, flea markets, and thrift shops. While some people consider buying things from those places as buying "used" stuff, I think it's almost a sharing experience. Case in point: I love buying a used book and seeing the lines that someone else highlighted, or the notes that were written in the margin. Sometimes when I see the highlighted lines, I ask, "Why? What's so important" and...
sometimes...even better... I say, "Yeah, I'd highlight that too."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Getting back
I have to start writing again.
When I first started teaching, I recall someone asking me if I was still writing. My response was something along the lines of, “By the end of the day, my students have sucked any and all creativity out of me.” I might have even compared them to leeches.
Cowardly, I know. Like Hemingway ever said, “I’m an alcoholic and can’t write today.” Or Fitzgerald said, “Zelda is going mad again and I just don’t have it in my to write.”
Rather, they used the writing to make structure [I think] of some sort in their lives. To guide them along.
Fast forward to 7 years later. . . I have to start writing again. I’ve often thought of waking up earlier in the morning, maybe writing from 5:30 to 6. I know this is not a reality. I am definitely not a morning person. But I have to do something to start bringing those things I love(d) back into my life. It’s amazing how our days can pass by… sure, we’ve “done things.” We’ve gone to work, done laundry, cleaned house, gone food shopping, maybe bought a new picture or two to hang up. But I think about it like this—if I died today and those activities were the “basics” of my daily life, …well… it’d be a pretty boring obituary to read.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Jessie Spano is my hero...
I feel like I am [slightly] out of that famous episode of Saved by the Bell...where Jessie, Lisa, and Kelly are in the leotard-wearing-girl group. Because Jessie is feeling pressure from applying to colleges and being in the girl group, she begins abusing caffeine pills.
Story of my life:)
I, for the life of me, can't get into drinking coffee. For me to like it, I'd have to put so much sugar and milk in it that the caloric intake would equal my whole breakfast. I've gotten into chai teas but those are filled with sugar too. Hot chocolate just seems lame, in terms of getting a morning "fix." So...each morning, I take a caffeine tablet. I've taken the famed Vivrin brand before, but in recent months have not been opposed to "Jet Alert" (96 tablets for under 3 bucks- amazing) or "Awake" (Walgreens "house" brand). Funny though. I think I have gotten to the point where the tablet does not affect my energy level. I'm just so used to taking the pill...that I take it.
Tonight, I went to the gym around 8:30. KNEW it was a bad idea. Whenever I go to the gym at "night night" hours, I can't fall asleep. You'd think getting all your energy out would make it so you could easily sleep when you get home. Instead---it has the opposite effect on me.
So...it's 11:35 and I am discussing my lame dependency on caffeine tablets. Now that I am wide awake, I might rummage through the three-drawer organizer in the bathroom and pop a sleep-time tablet... Shop Rite house brand. These economic times are tough.
On the + side--- got a personal best on my mile run....jog....um... whatever "moderate" verb you want to use. 9 minutes, 46 seconds. Dont know how that compares to the rest of the universe but my fat ass could not run the mile in younger years....so to have a "PB" is pretty awesome.
Story of my life:)
I, for the life of me, can't get into drinking coffee. For me to like it, I'd have to put so much sugar and milk in it that the caloric intake would equal my whole breakfast. I've gotten into chai teas but those are filled with sugar too. Hot chocolate just seems lame, in terms of getting a morning "fix." So...each morning, I take a caffeine tablet. I've taken the famed Vivrin brand before, but in recent months have not been opposed to "Jet Alert" (96 tablets for under 3 bucks- amazing) or "Awake" (Walgreens "house" brand). Funny though. I think I have gotten to the point where the tablet does not affect my energy level. I'm just so used to taking the pill...that I take it.
Tonight, I went to the gym around 8:30. KNEW it was a bad idea. Whenever I go to the gym at "night night" hours, I can't fall asleep. You'd think getting all your energy out would make it so you could easily sleep when you get home. Instead---it has the opposite effect on me.
So...it's 11:35 and I am discussing my lame dependency on caffeine tablets. Now that I am wide awake, I might rummage through the three-drawer organizer in the bathroom and pop a sleep-time tablet... Shop Rite house brand. These economic times are tough.
On the + side--- got a personal best on my mile run....jog....um... whatever "moderate" verb you want to use. 9 minutes, 46 seconds. Dont know how that compares to the rest of the universe but my fat ass could not run the mile in younger years....so to have a "PB" is pretty awesome.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
The Faithless
There must be this idea that if you live in an apartment complex, you must lack faith. I guess that argument might be valid in connection to "domestic partners" who (as my Aunt Tina says ) "live in sin" and do not get married or are not already married before moving in together.
I can only recall being visited by Jehovah's Witnesses ONCE during my time of residing in a house (21 years).
At the apartment complex, Jehovah's Witnesses come around a few times a year. It always is after a big holiday too. The morning after Thanksgiving or a few days after New Year's. It's like they're thinking, "You've had your holiday fun, your gluttony--now it's time to find God" ...or Jehovah, I guess.
Today, we had another milestone in attempts at making us full of faith. A postcard was wedged in the windowpane. One the front side, there was a glossy picture of a tub of popcorn and it read "Pop in January 4th." It immediately made you think that the movie theatre nearby was doing some type of promotion or double feature...something. The other side of the card detailed a church (Realife Church) that is coming to our area. You can join in on church services on Sunday mornings...at the movie theatre! How weird is that? I thought having one of those revival churches in a shopping plaza next to a Weight Watchers center was weird enough, but in a movie theatre?
I said to John, "It must be Born Again." He said, "Yeah, I guess it's non denominational." In my mind, Born Again is a denomination---crazy. I can say this from first hand experience too. I actually did once go to a Born Again service---not by choice. My mother was led to the front of the church and the preacher put a hand on her head and said something along the lines of, "Heal this child." I could not make this stuff up.
Well...if I ever am bored on a Sunday morning, it's nice to know there's a place I could go to. The postcard advertises "contemporary live music" and "FREE refreshments."
I can only recall being visited by Jehovah's Witnesses ONCE during my time of residing in a house (21 years).
At the apartment complex, Jehovah's Witnesses come around a few times a year. It always is after a big holiday too. The morning after Thanksgiving or a few days after New Year's. It's like they're thinking, "You've had your holiday fun, your gluttony--now it's time to find God" ...or Jehovah, I guess.
Today, we had another milestone in attempts at making us full of faith. A postcard was wedged in the windowpane. One the front side, there was a glossy picture of a tub of popcorn and it read "Pop in January 4th." It immediately made you think that the movie theatre nearby was doing some type of promotion or double feature...something. The other side of the card detailed a church (Realife Church) that is coming to our area. You can join in on church services on Sunday mornings...at the movie theatre! How weird is that? I thought having one of those revival churches in a shopping plaza next to a Weight Watchers center was weird enough, but in a movie theatre?
I said to John, "It must be Born Again." He said, "Yeah, I guess it's non denominational." In my mind, Born Again is a denomination---crazy. I can say this from first hand experience too. I actually did once go to a Born Again service---not by choice. My mother was led to the front of the church and the preacher put a hand on her head and said something along the lines of, "Heal this child." I could not make this stuff up.
Well...if I ever am bored on a Sunday morning, it's nice to know there's a place I could go to. The postcard advertises "contemporary live music" and "FREE refreshments."
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