So I googled "toilet phobia." I googled it because I, for many years of my life, actually did have a slight fear of using bathrooms. After googling, I was expecting a search result that would be a single word which would mean "fear of using bathrooms." I found out that the issue is far more complex.
http://www.outlooksw.co.uk/sites/default/files/images/resources/Toilet%20Phobia%20download.pdf
Apparently, fears associated with toilets involve the following: not being able to urinate etc., fear of being too far from the toilet (what does that even mean? women are literally sitting ON it and men have that lovely option too), fear of using public toilets, and fear that others may be watching/scrutinizing/listening. Toilet phobias can be related to social phobias, panic disorders, and OCD.
I guess my bathroom fear could connected to panic disorder. I didn't use meds or anything to surpass my fear; I simply turned off the light.
My bathroom fear could be pinpointed right around the time my father passed away. I was six years old and, as with most children, couldn't really understand the whole concept of death. My father was staying with my grandparents at the time in which he passed away. This made the whole concept even more foggy. He was at our house one day and then, another day, he was completed gone from the earth.
During the funeral ceremony, or at some point shortly after, I recall someone telling me, "Don't worry. Your daddy will always be watching over you, no matter what."
Those words needed to be realigned because, honestly, they screwed me up for about 10 years of my life.
Wait, my father is ALWAYS going to be watching me???!?
So began the two step process of using bathrooms. Step one involved making sure that the shades were down (what if he was flying around like spirits are apt to do and flew past the window) and step two involved turning off the light switch. If he was always watching me, I figured I'd make it less obvious by turning off the light.
I realize that the above logic and procedure is completely screwed up. Kids, however, take words on a very literal level. I took those words, no matter how comforting they were supposed to be, and completely distorted them.
As an adult, I've gotten over turning off the lights in a bathroom. I still pull down the shade because having it up just seems incredibly weird. I also get a little nervous about the slight cracks between the stalls of public bathrooms. If I have a hooded sweatshirt, I'll take it off and hang it on the hook inside of the stall. I then will hope that the cotton will somehow magically drape itself over that crack.
Okay...so I guess I still have some issues to resolve.
