Wintergirls

I'm reading a YA book, alongside an "adult" book. I find it amusing how books are classified as young adult. YA lit features the same topics as "adult lit" sex, drinking, misery, intertwined relationships, and so on. YA books just tend to be shorter and have (sometimes) less complex vocabulary.

Right now, the YA book I am reading is called Wintergirls. The protagonist, Lia, is a girl dealing with all the awkwardness and angst of high school, in addition to being an anorexic. The author does an effective job of showing how focused Lia remains when it comes to the battle between food and her own self-worth.

So....I did an awesome job...tracked food for 21 days and stuck to 1350 calories. I even went to the gym for six consecutive days. Then, Valentine's rolled around. We went out for a buffet... Wednesday was carb-laden lunch at a workshop...Thursday was solo beers...Friday was soggy, greasy french fries at the bar (and beer)...Saturday was 1 1/2 Taylor ham, egg, cheese, and bagel concoctions (mine pus half of Jen's). I look at photos from last night's karaoke time and my face appears fuller. My shoulders look wider. I look how I felt: fat.

I know it is is self-indulgent bullshit when people tirelessly discuss their weight and self-perception. I'm back on a good routine of eating for today and plan to go to the gym. A large part of me wishes I could eat garbage (pizza, fries, beer, red velvet ANYTHING) and maintain a normal weight. Everyone has things that come easy to her and things that are challenging. Academic tasks come easy to me and, generally, always have...right now though...I might exchange some portion of my intelligence for a crazy high metabolism.

Nervousness Symptoms

It's interesting how the body physically reacts to nervousness. For me, just like for everyone else, there are two types of nervousness. There's anticipation-related nervousness, that kind of nervousness when you're meeting someone new or taking a risk and doing something new. There's conventional nervousness, associated with fear of failure.

I got observed by my principal on Friday. Although I've been observed plenty of times since I have started teaching, the whole experience still makes me nervous. My mouth begins drying up and it's hard to get words out; I start to internally worry that every morsel of language that I am speaking is being analyzed. I try to be conscious of filler-words such as "like," "um," or "okay," but probably say them anyway because I am so nervous.

The second kind of nervousness is the fun nervousness...hands gently shaking, head bobbing up and down amidst affirmative self-talk, tapping of the feet... I recently read some of my poetry aloud and could feel the nervousness symptoms appearing. When I first spoke, my voice slightly quivered. After a few lines, I could feel the quivering lessen.

I don't experience that second type of nervousness too often nowadays but, when I do, I revel in it. It's miserable and wonderful at the same time. Nervousness is hard to navigate or control, which is probably what I simultaneously love and loathe about it.

Things I hate about Facebook

1) When someone posts photos of recipes that he/she has made; it's even exceptionally more annoying if the person who has posted the recipe is very ...corpulent...shall we say--- like...are you looking to be ridiculed?

2) (stated on previous post) When people post about the woes of doing schoolwork...if you're a single mom working full-time and going back to night school, then you have room to whine...if you're not that description, shut up.

3) When a "current event" occurs and everyone starts posting about it...these "current events" are never life-altering events of actual significance...cases in point: Superbowl, Whitney Houston's death, etc.

4) The foursquare app--WHY would you actually want everyone to know where you are?

5) When people who are teachers write posts that feature idiotic grammar errors. Think than vs. then, breath vs. breathe, and so on... It's so aggravating. People already do not respect the profession and those grammar idiots are just cementing that disrespect.

6) Recent updates about progress on Farmville, Cityville, Words with Friends, etc. Yes, I have played Farmville for over two years. Yes, it takes me a pathetic six or so weeks to "level up." I don't post about it. The earth doesn't need to know.

7)When people post pictures of newly born babies and others comment, "Oh! So beautiful," "Precious!," or other uncreative, complimentary things...

So yes. I am a curmudgeon:) At least I get a fun word for my grumpiness.

Hopeless Romantic

Despite my cynicalness and doubt, I am definitely a hopeless romantic.  There are two previous romantic things that I recall John doing: 1] surprising me for Christmas with a Clay Matthews jersey--I totally was not expecting it at all and, to me, successful surprises are a huge part of romance and 2] when John left beef tongue for me on the kitchen counter. He had gone to work and beef tongue was on his new recent food ventures. He left beef tongue taco prep directions on the counter, the directions outlined in "idiot format"---which is precisely what I need for any cooking endeavor.

They're definitely not conventional examples, but they're examples.

I just spent 90 minutes watching Teen Witch on ABC Family channel. The fact that I can withstand the cheesiness of this 1989 movie and still revel in the CHEESY romantic scenes is something that I love. I love the end of the movie, where Louise discards her magic-inducing necklace and how Brad falls for her... without having magic involved. I love the stupid scene where they're in the abandoned house, tip toeing around amidst creaks of old wooden floorboards, followed by the camera zooming in on a slow, long kiss.

In between the movie were commercials for The Notebook. I hate all the "old people" scenes of that movie, but love any other scene between Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams. I don't desire to like this movie, but I just do.

Hopeless romantics can't be tarnished by anything, not even urbandictionary.com. Urbandictionary.com always manages to find a way to fuck up the most innocent of words. "Hopeless romantic" on the site remains innocent, sweet, and simple: someone who is in love with love. <3

Recent poem

I know that "successful blogs" have some kind of theme: musings on daily life, video clips, top-whatever lists, and so on. I did start writing a blog entry in how I revel at the fact that some people I graduated high school with are now fat. The entry did not go too far. What am I?- a lead character in Mean Girls?

So, instead, here is a recent poem. I've been trying to write more often. Whenever people ask me why I stopped, my reply is, "Students suck the creativity out of me." Well, screw them... I'm making it come back.

(Not yet titled)


The rain slackens 
but its sound
echoes into the air. 
Stray droplets reach my windowpane
and continue intermittent songs.


I am reminded of younger years,
long expanse of time, 
and your hands trailing paths down my body. 
Small, meager lamp on the bedstand,
Nothing but the gentle brush of colliding lips.
Breaths being passed between us
like carefully constructed words in a conversation.


I think of us now
and the sounds that surround us.
Cars battering the pavement, rushing to reach home. 
Dim streetlamps on the verge of disrepair. 
Rickety white fence posts shuddering in the wind.


I long for your breath on my body.

"Mirror," Sylia Plath

A new, mysterious gem that I discovered today...

"Mirror," Sylvia Plath

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.


http://quietube2.com/v.php/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nZht4WMoMo