Vapidness

Well, after hefting all our stuff into the new [to us...] house, it seems horrible to think about moving all it out. However, that's what I was doing tonight....thinking about moving it out, that is.

I feel down. I hate when I feel like this because it is significantly different from my "normal" cynical, pessimistic self. This "down" is just a feeling of emptiness...if other people with real problems and challenges [loss of job, terminal illnesses, lack of close relationships, family tragedies] heard me say I was down, they would look and me and mutter, "Fuck you."

Things aren't that bad...I realize that.

But driving to class tonight, I started getting upset....

Driving in Jersey is so ridiculous. The roads are so crowded and everyone is so incredibly rude. Driving onto Montclair's campus isn't much better. People cutting you off in traffic, etc. And the air of arrogance that most people walk around with... it's uncanny.

When I walk into class, it's 32 girls chattering on and on. It sounds like loud, indistinct sounds merged together. Kind of reminds me of the "teacher voice" used on Charlie Brown. And I know we're all sitting there, listening intently, thinking about our soon-to-be-received Master's degrees. Some people sit there and you can tell they think highly of themselves...not the "I have a good level of confidence" amount...but just the "I am superior" amount. Meanwhile, I sit there, thinking, "I don't know shit about what my degree is and feel ill-prepared to walk out of this place and call myself a reading specialist....".... so I probably won't.

I just wonder if things would be easier if I packed my shit and moved somewhere less expensive...and less crowded.

They say "grass is always greener on the other side"---in this case, it might actually be true.

Self-Loathing Saturday

We had this cheesy motivational speaker at work the other day. Antics during his presentation included putting a clown nose on his face and making it disappear, then reappear. During most of the presentation, I sat in my chair [utterly uncomfortable--back pressing against metal back of chair] and thought of various other dreadfully boring activities that I'd rather be doing.

Two things stuck out from his presentation though:

1] "The past is not the present."
Sure, the past affects the present and the past is still part of who you are...but it isnt the entirity of who you are. If you had challenges in the past and overcame them... great. If you made mistakes in the past, what has happened has happened...just try to make them again.

2] "Most of us only achieve 20% of our potential."
So yes... I can sit at the kitchen table and read the stupid alumni letter from my college and get irked at reading about others' accomplishments...but it's not like I do not also have the ability to achieve those things. I can sit here on a saturday afternoon and think "I feel fat, unattractive, etc"... or I can get up off my ass and just start my day and be the best I can be. ***I realize the "be the best I can be" statement is ridiculously lame.

I'm just having a shitty Saturday... and i guess what I need to do is go outside, appreciate the beautiful weather, call a friend or two, and sit down and enjoy my free time... instead of sitting here, loathing myself. Easier said than done.