Pantyhose Problems

So...most of the time I go to work sans stockings or pantyhose. I don't know the difference between the two, but I do know that both forms of nylon are a pain in the ass.

Tonight was Back to School Night so I figured I'd "school marm" it up and wear a dress, a cardigan, and heels. Heels do not work with bare skin, so I purchased two pairs of pantyhose-esque items to "test out." The first item is made by Spanx company and is a body shaper. I bought size 5, otherwise known as YOU ARE FUCKING HUGE. Size 5's weight range starts at 220 pounds. I am nowhere near 200 pounds, but I figured if I bought something that fit a heavy person that it would be easier to get it on. The whole struggle with pantyhose is actually getting the damn things on. There's even a shortcut trick to help ease the process of getting pantyhose on-- you put them in the freezer. It just makes it easier to get them on, especially if your legs are "fleshier," shall we say, than most.

The Spanx shaper stopped once it reached my thighs. So- apparently, my legs are normal-sized but once my upper thigh is reached, my legs have a circumference wider than the anticipated circumference of a size "5," or a 200 pound woman.

Elastics and nylon are complicated.

The second purchase was a pair of regular pantyhose; I bought "just my size," which was both the brand name and the truth. I carefully read the graph on the back of the package and purchased my real size.

Those pantyhose wouldn't go on either! No wonder why I've gone the hippie route with wearing flowery skirts, sans pantyhose, and sandals to work.

I ended up just wearing an older pair of stockings...or pantyhose...I really don't know what the difference is, as both are just incredibly irritating. Anyway, my legs looked pasty, as the stockings were a lighter shade than "tan" or "sun-kissed." Pastiness---ultimate school marm look.