Avoidance

Ah. Inspirational quotations. I hate the ones that are like "Getting up the hill is half the battle," blah blah blah. I rarely put myself in the situation where I am getting up the proverbial hill.

Most of my life, I've had this habit of quitting things when they are challenging...or simply avoiding them. Case in point: college. Despite going to a tiny private college that didn't exactly have tons of literature offerings for an English major, I somehow managed to avoid Victorian Lit and Medieval Lit. Did everything I could to make sure I didn't take those courses. Second example: quitting clarinet when we got to the high notes. I had played the instrument in upper elementary school and it was pretty easy (also part of the reason I chose the clarinet: rumors of its easiness). Once middle school hit and we had to play the high notes, bam, I was out the door.

I am taking a Research Methods class now and avoidance is not a possibility. Honestly though, the whole talk of significant research, p values, t tests, and standard deviations. It makes no sense to me. I feel like an absolute idiot. It's incredibly frustrating....because...damn... I can't quit the class. Well.. I could but...

Another thing is my lack of financial knowledge. I know credit cards screw you but I simply pay the whole bill each month and avoid the whole "screwing" issue. But I don't know a thing about APR, interest, etc. Now it's time for us to do income taxes and I'd like to try them on my own (usually pay an accountant for an income tax return that people tell me is simple) but am afraid I will mess it up.

Yes... now indeed that would be hilarious. The IRS coming to arrest the teacher and retail manager in their meager one bedroom apartment.

Pseudo Genetics

When I look at my wedding photos, I see a strong resemblance between my mother and me. I definitely have her eyes. My smile looks exactly like her smile when she was my age-- cheeks slightly protruding, eyes crinkling, and mouth widely smiling.

Some people in my family have said I resemble my father. I don't really see it. I definitely have his hair --- thick --- it takes an eternity to dry. Other than that, I don't see any resemblances.

It saddens me. If I looked like him, I could feel that there was a part of him within me -- basically every time I looked in the mirror.

Although I didn't know my father too long before he passed away, there's certain personality/ non-genetic traits of his that I like to think I somehow "inherited."

My mom talks about how my dad used to go to garage sales and flea markets all the time. When he passed away, apparently the basement was filled with "junk"-- my mother's words, not mine.

Somehow I think the concept of someone's "trash" being another's "treasure" has been passed down to me. I love going to garage sales, flea markets, and thrift shops. While some people consider buying things from those places as buying "used" stuff, I think it's almost a sharing experience. Case in point: I love buying a used book and seeing the lines that someone else highlighted, or the notes that were written in the margin. Sometimes when I see the highlighted lines, I ask, "Why? What's so important" and...

sometimes...even better... I say, "Yeah, I'd highlight that too."

Getting back

I have to start writing again.

When I first started teaching, I recall someone asking me if I was still writing. My response was something along the lines of, “By the end of the day, my students have sucked any and all creativity out of me.” I might have even compared them to leeches.

Cowardly, I know. Like Hemingway ever said, “I’m an alcoholic and can’t write today.” Or Fitzgerald said, “Zelda is going mad again and I just don’t have it in my to write.”

Rather, they used the writing to make structure [I think] of some sort in their lives. To guide them along.

Fast forward to 7 years later. . . I have to start writing again. I’ve often thought of waking up earlier in the morning, maybe writing from 5:30 to 6. I know this is not a reality. I am definitely not a morning person. But I have to do something to start bringing those things I love(d) back into my life. It’s amazing how our days can pass by… sure, we’ve “done things.” We’ve gone to work, done laundry, cleaned house, gone food shopping, maybe bought a new picture or two to hang up. But I think about it like this—if I died today and those activities were the “basics” of my daily life, …well… it’d be a pretty boring obituary to read.

Jessie Spano is my hero...

I feel like I am [slightly] out of that famous episode of Saved by the Bell...where Jessie, Lisa, and Kelly are in the leotard-wearing-girl group. Because Jessie is feeling pressure from applying to colleges and being in the girl group, she begins abusing caffeine pills.

Story of my life:)

I, for the life of me, can't get into drinking coffee. For me to like it, I'd have to put so much sugar and milk in it that the caloric intake would equal my whole breakfast. I've gotten into chai teas but those are filled with sugar too. Hot chocolate just seems lame, in terms of getting a morning "fix." So...each morning, I take a caffeine tablet. I've taken the famed Vivrin brand before, but in recent months have not been opposed to "Jet Alert" (96 tablets for under 3 bucks- amazing) or "Awake" (Walgreens "house" brand). Funny though. I think I have gotten to the point where the tablet does not affect my energy level. I'm just so used to taking the pill...that I take it.

Tonight, I went to the gym around 8:30. KNEW it was a bad idea. Whenever I go to the gym at "night night" hours, I can't fall asleep. You'd think getting all your energy out would make it so you could easily sleep when you get home. Instead---it has the opposite effect on me.

So...it's 11:35 and I am discussing my lame dependency on caffeine tablets. Now that I am wide awake, I might rummage through the three-drawer organizer in the bathroom and pop a sleep-time tablet... Shop Rite house brand. These economic times are tough.

On the + side--- got a personal best on my mile run....jog....um... whatever "moderate" verb you want to use. 9 minutes, 46 seconds. Dont know how that compares to the rest of the universe but my fat ass could not run the mile in younger years....so to have a "PB" is pretty awesome.

The Faithless

There must be this idea that if you live in an apartment complex, you must lack faith. I guess that argument might be valid in connection to "domestic partners" who (as my Aunt Tina says ) "live in sin" and do not get married or are not already married before moving in together.

I can only recall being visited by Jehovah's Witnesses ONCE during my time of residing in a house (21 years).

At the apartment complex, Jehovah's Witnesses come around a few times a year. It always is after a big holiday too. The morning after Thanksgiving or a few days after New Year's. It's like they're thinking, "You've had your holiday fun, your gluttony--now it's time to find God" ...or Jehovah, I guess.

Today, we had another milestone in attempts at making us full of faith. A postcard was wedged in the windowpane. One the front side, there was a glossy picture of a tub of popcorn and it read "Pop in January 4th." It immediately made you think that the movie theatre nearby was doing some type of promotion or double feature...something. The other side of the card detailed a church (Realife Church) that is coming to our area. You can join in on church services on Sunday mornings...at the movie theatre! How weird is that? I thought having one of those revival churches in a shopping plaza next to a Weight Watchers center was weird enough, but in a movie theatre?

I said to John, "It must be Born Again." He said, "Yeah, I guess it's non denominational." In my mind, Born Again is a denomination---crazy. I can say this from first hand experience too. I actually did once go to a Born Again service---not by choice. My mother was led to the front of the church and the preacher put a hand on her head and said something along the lines of, "Heal this child." I could not make this stuff up.

Well...if I ever am bored on a Sunday morning, it's nice to know there's a place I could go to. The postcard advertises "contemporary live music" and "FREE refreshments."

Resolutions

Well, People magazine proclaimed on a recent cover that Oprah has hit 200 pounds and that she says, "I'm Embarrassed!" Am guessing her New Year's resolution, like the rest of the earth, (America, at least) is to lose weight.

I understand the whole idea of a new year and making resolutions. I just never know what to have for my resolution. I don't think I'd really say losing weight for this. Instead, I just want to continue CONSISTENTLY following the healthy habits I have learned.

One year my resolution was to make better eye contact with people---retarded:)

I guess a resolution could be to clean the apartment more and keep it tidy, but again, that seems like a lame resolution.

I guess in my mind a resolution is supposed to be something so monumental that it will really change a big part of you and, ultimately, make you a better person.

In that case, I guess I could be more assertive with people. That's something I am not the best with being. Then, "after the fact," I will think of clever comebacks or intelligent statements that I should have said to the person who was confronting me/bothering me/ etc.

But that resolution seems difficult to complete. But I guess that's the point.

Is a burger and fries supposed to make you feel like garbage?

When Supersize Me came out a few years ago, I was so grossed out by the film that I did not eat McDonald's, Burger King, etc for four years. I can't say I didn't eat any fast food because I consider the crap that chains like Applebees serve to be fast food...but I stayed away from the burge/fries fast food chains.

About a year ago, after a night of sibling bonding and drinking, my sister convinced me to stop for a 2am snack of McDonald's. At 2am, after drinking at bars, that food was delicious.

I think I am on a path to self-destruction...or was. Ever since the wedding, I have been eating whatever I want...in LARGE competitive-eater portions. Friday night I said to myself, "I'm having McDonalds for dinner and then that's." My goal is to get off all of the post-wedding/honeymoon weight. It's only 5 pounds or so but it seriously makes a big difference. I feel blobbish.

Tonight... I went to McDonald's again. And I reverted to a habit I used to have in high school--I went through the drive thru to get the food and then, like an ashamed glutton, I ate the food in the parking lot.

So...tomorrow is Sunday...start of the new week, according to conventional calanderists. I am starting fresh with my eating habits. It pisses me off that food can have this much of a hold on me. I mean...even looking back at blog entries...about 1/4 of them are about food/"dieting."I try to stay away from self-deprecating, woe-is-me comments....

Aiming to get back on track....hopefully...

The Good, The Bad...maybe I'm too melodramatic.

Lately, things have been a back and forth see saw between good and bad. Granted, my "bad" is nothing tragic. No one has died or come down with a terminal illness. No tragedies nearby. But still, things have been a bit chaotic.

The Good:
**People at work tell me I am "glowing" and will make a lovely bride.
**My wedding dress fits well and I think it is hilarious they have to stuff the top part to help "fill me out."
**I am doing well with eating better and am down to 151 pounds:)
**I fit into a size 10 pair of jeans. :-)
**It's fall--crisp air and apple picking time.
**Went to the Dodge Poetry Festival and discovered some poets I hadn't heard of before. Luke Warm Water...a Native American poet. Had a poem about some girl asking him to come to San Diego. During one of the lines, he describes her as having "acres of ass." That line is awesome.
**Went to the New Kids on the Block, um... NKOTB...concert on Tuesday night. The fact that in 2008, I can be brought back to feeling like I was in 1988 is simply amazing. And...Jordan is still hot. :)

The Bad:
**Work kind of sucks. The new "Writing" class is shitty to teach and the kids don't seem to like it. I have one particular class that has children that were obviously conceived in hell. That's mean, right? Well...they're just a horrible class.
**I lost 4 pounds last week but I think it was only because, daily, I would leave work feeling like I had to vomit and, thus, didn't end up really wanting to eat food for the remainder of the day. I owe the nausea to that hell-class.
**It's rained like crazy for the past two Fridays. I am worried it will rain on our wedding day. We're getting married inside the reception venue and all but still...clear skies would be pleasant.
**I have 150 "writing journals" at work that I have to grade. In about one week, I will have 150 essays to grade. I did the math and even if i only spend 5 minutes per grading task, to grade 150 it will take 750 minutes. That's depressing. Why couldn't I teach math?
**Our apartment is a literal pigsty. I feel like taking a trash can and tossing everything out. Ex: Do I really need a March 2002 issue of Details magazine with Ethan Hawke on the cover? Apparently, yes.
**The bastard cat scratched my face today. It was unintentional but it still hurt quite a bit.

Muse

Sometimes (often times), someone else's words will "do the trick." Stumbled across this poem by William Stafford. I want to be someone's muse!

When I Met My Muse

I glanced at her and took my glasses
off--they were still singing. They buzzed
like a locust on the coffee table and then
ceased. Her voice belled forth, and the
sunlight bent. I felt the ceiling arch, and
knew that nails up there took a new grip
on whatever they touched. "I am your own
way of looking at things," she said. "When
you allow me to live with you, every
glance at the world around you will be
a sort of salvation." And I took her hand.

William Stafford

Reunion

Recently, I've been getting emails about my class reunion. No biggie---it was just an idea that was "up in the air." I didn't think it would ever come to fruition.

Today, I got an Evite for the reunion. Was hoping that it would be around the wedding or honeymoon and that I would have a legit excuse [for myself] to not go. However, it is at a convenient time which I could attend. I have mixed emotions.

Even though high school was fun and there was little responsibility, when I think of those years in detail, I actually realize that I detested them. I had really bad skin and was overweight; this made me incredibly insecure and shy. I was incredibly focused on academics and was very anxiety-ridden. That has since changed, thank goodness. Most of all, most of the people I came into contact with at my high school were asses.

So the thought of paying $ to spend an evening with them at a shit bar [classy, eh?], just does not sit well with me. Sure, I could go to the reunion and show how much better I am now---secure with myself, confident, blah blah blah. But why give those people that pleasure? Why should I care what they think?

Still--part of me thinks that if I don't show up, people will think I am some kind of loser and have no life, or that I am embarrassed at what I have made of myself.

Again, I really shouldn't care what they think. But I think this is a constant struggle we all feel---- that we say we "don't care" what others think---- but in many ways, we do. We wouldn't be human if we didn't care what others thought and didn't want to seek their validation.

On a positive note, I saw a brief glimpse of this "special" on Debbie Gibson. It made me think we should definitely play "Lost In Your Eyes" during the dinner hour at the wedding. Rock on.

My Own Personal Flea Market

The inside of our apartment has turned into an "upscale" flea market of sorts. People have been sending wedding gifts and the giant Bed Bath and Beyond boxes are all over the place. I don't understand why a gigantic box is needed for a picture frame. People are idiots too. I know John's family is throwing me a shower--a "surprise" shower. Someone recently gave John a gift for us and the card was entitled "For Your Wedding Shower" and was dated 9/6/08. I'm so annoyed. I love surprises --mainly because I am near impossible to surprise. Lisa said, "No, no, that person is wrong. That's not the date!" but I think she was just trying to be sweet.

But all these wedding gifts just seem so silly. I don't "get" the need for pre-wedding gifts. I'm not complaining, but it just seems a bit much. Most of the gifts have been Michelle picks, which irritates John to no end: picture frames, tea kettles, toasting flutes, etc.

Besides the wedding, the schoolyear is beginning soon. I am going to miss my afternoons of leisure...mainly sitting on my ass, reading for a bit, watching a movie or two, doing some small shopping, driving aimlessly, etc.

The past few nights though, I've already felt fragments of autumn in the air---my favorite time of the year. My blood pressure is low as it is but once autumn arrives, it's like all heart palpitations leave my body. I am incredibly relaxed and mellow. Can't wait.

Teacher Clones

Ok, yes, I think that I have a job that's worthy of respect... I think I am "attempting" to lead the minds of tomorrow down the right paths today...yadda yadda yadda....

But I can't help but notice that so many fellow teachers are incredibly irritating.

I went out to lunch with some teachers last week. They all [seriously] had Coach purses with them (or Nine West for the subtler ones). They all had this silverish watch on. I don't know what it is called or what brand it is because I just look at my cell phone. Before the time of me carrying a cell phone, I'd politely go up to strangers and ask what time it was. I've never been a watch person. They all talk about their condos or townhouses. And then the rings... it's like every teacher I know in the age bracket from 25-30 has an engagement ring on her finger. And all the rings look similar... band of diamonds...and this one diamond jutting out in the middle.

I know I shouldn't waste my time looking [or writing...or thinking!] about other people. But... I don't know...I feel so different from so many of them. But I somehow do not think that makes me the odd one out. I think they are the odd ones.

I know we go on and on about materialism and consumption, but it just seems to be so true and evident. And it annoys me that I see so many people in my profession with those same kinds of beliefs. Don't get me wrong. I buy stuff... there's things I want. But I feel like "myself" most of the time, like me. I don't look around and feel like I am everyone else.

And this is NOT to say that I think I am unique or original. But surely, these girls who I lunched with cannot be THAT similar. It's just bizarre, that's all.

But I think that when you have "educators" acting like they're part of some clone wars experiment, people do lose respect for them.

Like some weird version of Professional Stepford Wives.

Back on the blog

Wow---it's been a LONG time since I have blogged. During the day, I constantly have thoughts and imagine sitting down later in the day and jotting down those thoughts here. Somehow that never happens. And the amusing or funny or witty thoughts that I had drifting around my mind--well, they disappear.

Today though..I noticed something I have been noticing for awhile...

What's up with huge engagement rings? Like engagement rings where the diamond is raised real high, a la weapon mode? I don't get it. Aesthetically, I think it is unattractive. Also, the "raised diamond" just seems intentionally showy...which I guess it is. You can't really raise a little diamond all too high. Also--I don't know, it seems like your ring would constantly get caught on clothing, etc.

I think that setting is called Marquise...I heard the word thrown around from a friend. She "wanted" a Marquise setting, 1 1/2 carats, blah blah blah.

The whole wedding planning is crazy. I don't think we would "really" do this, but amidst the planning of invitation fonts/thermography, dress fittings, song selections, ceremony readings selections, etc, flying off to somewhere other than here sounds DIVINE. John's family is huge and fairly close-knit. I know the idea of eloping wouldn't necessarily go over all too well with them. But it just seems easier.

I, however, like to stick to the mindset that things are only as complicated as I let them be. I'm trying to stay as minimal frills as possible.

But back to the ring. Women just seem so obsessed with it. John and I have been together 8 years. I never "prodded" or forced him to propose. I think I ONCE uttered, "If you ever propose to me, use the diamond that my Mom gave to me." It's a half carat or 3/4 and was from a necklace setting. I didn't want him going broke to buy me a ring.

The whole American wedding is over the top and ridiculous.

Like a nerd, I recalled reading a book about the American wedding "dream" about a year ago...I checked my book journal [that's the nerd status qualifier] and got the title: One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. And they say you "can't buy love." Whoever said that was not from the U.S., I'm guessing.

Blimpie

I TRY not to be one of those girls who constantly exclaims, "I'm so fat! My thighs are gross! I disgust myself," but lately that's what I feel like. I'm not vocalizing those thoughts aloud but they are constantly crossing my mind. When I was HUGE in freshman year of college, those thoughts didnt really pass my mind. I knew I was big and unhealthy but that was basically all I had ever known myself as, so I didn't pay that much mind to it. Going to an all female college where your looks didnt really matter helped to make me less aware of my...girth.

After meeting John, I lost some weight...maybe 20 pounds at the most...but it made such a difference.

Now... I just feel big again. It's frustrating. I eat healthy stuff, for the most part...but have no control over serving sizes. I've "started" Weight Watchers countless times, but whenever I make a mistake and binge, I simply write off the regimen and go back to normal.

Now I'm at the point where I think I will join John's mom and go to the Weight Watchers meetings and fully "join." Honestly, I wish someone took calipers to me and was just like, "You're fat." I need something to motivate me.

I'm hoping that the weekly weigh-ins will somehow motivate me. The thing is...now I know what I "could be" and I want to be that....

Why is it that Europeans don't seem to have this problem? So many are tall, slender, and UNobsessed with food....

FREE

"The stars were in alignment today," or however that saying goes. After work, I drove to drop off my final paper and then rushed back onto route 46... hopped onto 80W and cruised onto 287south...with no traffic whatsoever, despite the fact that it was 4:45 in the afternoon. Amazing.

Handing in the final paper just feels like such a weight has been lifted. It wasn't even that the paper was "that" much work; I worked on it in dribs and drabs; it wasn't like I completed it in one 10 hour cram session. Just having to hand it in though... I felt like May 5 would never arrive.

It's smooth sailing from here...wow...cliches abound this evening.

Wish I had some plans of debauchery, but can't say I do. Next step is to clean the apartment, which includes getting through the many mounds of laundry sitting all over the place.... have tons of DVDs by my bedside that are waiting to be watched.

It was a non-humid 75 degrees out today. The air in the evening is cool, but not torturous. The smell of freshly cut grass is a commonality. Class trips, assemblies, half-days and other time wasters are just around the corner...and PNC concert season is almost here. Things are good. :)

Obsession

Lately, I've been obsessed with paperweights. I have them all over my desk at work. I'd have them at home, but Lola and Flash are ultra frisky and have a tendency to knock things over and break them. I have visions of coming home from work and seeing broken shards all over...hence, leaving all of them at work.

I've even bought a few paperweights from Ebay. Of course, they look grand and beautiful in digital photo form but when I finally get them in the mail, they're not as luminous as I would have hoped for.

Was in the city with Jaime awhile ago and we passed by a store that had tons of paperweights in its display window. I figured, "Why not go in?" Was not ready to see pricetags of $100+.

I guess what fascinates me is the collision of colors. They remind me of kaleidoscopes.

I guess part of the fascination is also connected to my father. I don't remember much about him, but I do recall that on his workdesk, there were various paperweights. Most vividly, I recall a paperweight that had a bright orange and mustard yellow color combination.

I might try to sneak one or two real nice paperweights onto the wedding registry...

Tears of Happiness?

I don't know what's going on with me, but lately I have been crying at just about everything. Don't know if it can be attributed to some weird emotional change in me now that I am becoming a bride... or maybe I'm being affected by not being on birth control anymore. All I know is that I cry at a wide array of things.

I wouldn't say that it is excessive crying, but anyone who knows me knows that it takes quite a bit to make me cry. Sometimes I cry amidst obvious moments. When we met with the priest and were discussing the marriage ceremony, he asked, "Why do you want to marry John?" All I could do was look over at John and then, while crying, say, "Because I love him." He then answered the priest's same question with this amazingly complex answer... which, in retrospect, makes me laugh. My answer involved crying so it is "better," so I claim:)

I've been crying at stupid things lately... American Idol being a prime example...or The Biggest Loser. Reality shows are not intended to make people cry...in fact, they're supposed to provoke the opposite response: pointing at the tv screen, laughing, being shocked, being amazed, but not being drawn to tears.

I also just watched the movie Once...The movie's main song, "Falling Slowly," made me cry. The movie has the song within it at least 3 times... all 3 times, it had the same effect on me.

I don't think this phenomenon is a bad thing...it's just different for me. And I can only imagine my wedding day. My emotions, whether happy or sad, seem to stay within me and then suddenly, they explode. I think I should invest in Kleenex stock before October.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

Dolly Parton--a deep thinker?

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain..." ---yes, indeed---a quote by Dolly Parton.

Our students are prepping for state testing and we're encouraging them to use quotations in opening sentences....so cheesy quotations are hanging up all over the school. I actually don't mind that Dolly Parton quotation--although I can't ever imagine admitting to "quoting" Dolly Parton.

Things have felt down lately... I don't know, it might just be my reflection on today. I felt so out of it at work, so tired... not even caffeine tablets could energize me.

Wedding planning is going okay. I honestly don't get why people freak out. If you take it one step at a time, it's manageable. Am freaking out a bit because John's mom showed me the guest list for their side and it is 120. I'm not too picky but I totally want to avoid having tables of 10; 10 at a table is so incredibly crowded. If they have 120, just on their side, it will be tables of 10. I'm hoping for people to RSVP "No." ;-)

Work kind of sucks. The kids are off the wall and understandably so. Spring break is eons away. I know I shouldn't complain because other people hardly get any time off, in comparison to what teachers get...but we need this break...badly.

Also... I think I got scammed on Ebay:( It's only a 7 dollar pair of earrings, but I'm annoyed. AFTER purchasing the item, I looked at the seller's feedback and some people mentioned they never got their item. 2 weeks later, I am still waiting for mine:(

I know none of what I am feeling now is anything all too tragic or horrible. I just feel like I am living life as if I am a pause button on a CD player...no moving forward, backward, or anywhere. God, that sounds pathetic and angsty. I think I just need to get some sleep.

Transcription Junction

Just had to transcribe a 45 minute interview. Of course, I searched "guidelines for transcribing an interview" online and found, much to my dismay, that for every hour of recorded interview, you should be prepared for 4-6 hours of transcription.

I started this assignment on Sunday for an hour. That's all I could take. Worked on it today for an hour and a half, and another hour later. So, the timing is just about right.

It was one of the most tedious tasks ever. I felt like some kind of secretarial robot. It wasn't a hard task, per say. It didn't require intelligence or anything. It was just incredibly tedious and required patience.

I'm so nerdy, the next time I write a paper for class, I'm sure I will think something along the lines of, "This is so freeing. Not having to transcribe and having the ability to be more creative with my wording..."

And by the way...can it snow again? Screw spring coming early. Next vacation isn't until April 22nd and I need a day or two off before then. The DVDs are piling up on my nightstand: La Vie En Rose, From Here to Eternity, Just a Kiss, Chisholm '72, Eastern Promises, Blind Dating, Ira and Abby....Also would love to read something that has no mention of informal reading assessments, graphic organizers, or Fry readability stats...

Brainmush

Yikes. Strange things are a'-brewin' in my mind. I have not gotten to sleep for the past few nights until after 12. I drive home from work and pieces of litter in the roadway suddenly "come to life" and I somehow mistake them for small animals.

I feel overwhelmed with work lately. Am giving out open-ended response assignments and guiding students through them, yet they seem to be making the same errors over and over. I feel like they disregard my comments. It is incredibly irritating. When I sit down and grade a batch of papers, I feel like it is a waste of time.

Am completing tutoring sessions for a grad school class and have no idea if I am tutoring well. Yesterday and today were the first two sessions. I have just been doing assessments, but now I don't know what to do with all of that information. I just feel frustrated, in general.