Mindless lists

I hate giving in to "top" lists and such, but I saw this list on someone else's blog and thought it was semi-interesting...interesting enough to consume 5 minutes or so and re-post it to my blog....

Got this from http://littleturkishgirl.blogspot.com/

Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here.

Instructions: Copy this. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt. Tag other book nerds. Tag me as well so I can see your responses!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (it was either this book or Jane Eyre- I read 90 pages in "one shot" and then stopped...)
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (see note for #1...I detested these types of books in high school...might appreciate them more now)4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (got 100 or so pages into the first book and wasn't interested...all I recall is a passage about jelly beans)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (read it!)
6 The Bible - Too Many Cooks
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens (read it back in 9th grade- recall being so bored with it that I actually fell asleep while reading it one night; would like to re-visit it sometime soon though)
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (complete? Geez...the list is really from the BBC, I guess... Have read Tempest, Titus Andronicus, Taming of the Shrew, Romeo and Juliet, and some others...but not "complete works")
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald 
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown Davinci Code... why is it on this "list"?
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwanhalf-bolded because I made it halfway through:)
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert X
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce76 The Inferno – Dante 
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White 
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo


I think the fact that I haven't read Charlotte's Web or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a testament to my screwed-up childhood. Many of the books on this list are ones that I own (Lolita, Time Traveler's Wife, Dracula, Notes from a Small Island), but haven't gotten around to reading yet. I realize that this is just some list (can't say "random," as it was published by BBC), but I can't believe I have only read 9 out of the 100... Have read Christmas Carol but only the play version...that doesn't count since Dickens' version is a novella...

One step forward, one step back, maybe even 2.

I just can't get a break. Seems like every time there is an improvement in our current "lot in life," there is another thing that comes along that makes you step backward. Case in point: I've been taking tons of tech classes at work and have managed to earn Master's + 30 indistrict credits. I got a pay raise of about $70 a month. In my head, I rationalize, "Wow, that's basically our phone bill. It's almost our whole cable bill. Cool."

Then, we got an updated mortgage bill in the mail the other day. Our mortgage has gone up by about $50 each month. It's so aggravating. I realize John is working part-time and we have less income, but still. It's such a downer that you could have the "decent" joint income of what ours is and still be struggling. When I think about it, my heart starts beating faster. I don't even want to take the time or effort to go outside and rake leaves or "beautify" our house because I am just so pissed off at the cost of things. I know things could be worse, but I also get so focused on how angry I am at the cost of things. They say that buying a house is the American dream but in 2010 (especially in NJ), it really isn't. I worry ahead to when we get John's tuition bill for spring... and that's not even that much, since it is a local college, but still.

I miss the simplicity of apartment life. We always had enough for rent and necessities, plus money for extras.I don't need things to be easy, but I need to be able to take one step ahead and remain in the forward-walking direction.

Halloween Frenzy

As a kid, I didn't like Halloween. My recollections of childhood Halloweens revolve around the following images: a 2 year-old me in red cowgirl outfit, standing beside my father; having to concoct my own "clown" outfit when Mom was drunk and I had to dress up for Halloween (I wore a green clown wig with her hippie vest from the 1960s); feeling fat and frumpy and wearing large, billowy clothing to be a gypsy in high school; dressing up as a nun (so fucking lame); and dressing up as a baby (the prototypical outfit for teen girls who want to go trick-or-treating but don't want to put effort into a costume).

I think I revel in Halloween as an adult because of those junky childhood memories.

This year, I am being a "provocative" jailbird. I always like the contradiction of my outfits: short skirt with fishnets, but with masculine Doc Martens and black boxer briefs under the skirt since it is so short:) It's like being a slutty tomboy.

I feel kind of crappy this year because I have definitely gained weight the past few months and don't necessarily feel "sexy." I really have to get this eating/portion control situation in order.

I am, however, remaining optimistic and looking ahead---I am already thinking about my costume for next year. For probably the past 4 years, I have yearned to be a mermaid for Halloween. I have searched online and know, by heart, the various color and design offerings from several websites. I want to buy a costume, but tweak it with my own ideas.

Tonight, at the Good Will store and TJ Maxx, I saw TWO mermaid costumes-- one was for a dog and the other was for a little girl. I get that it's Halloween and costumes are abound, but Good Will and TJ Maxx aren't exactly costume headquarters. The mermaid costumes are a sign--- I must be one next year!

Mom and baby costumes...

I realize that we're in a different generation. Having kids does not mean you have to leave behind all remnants of youth or fun. However, I also think there is something ridiculous about the abundance of moms (and dads too) who dress up to match their small children.

I don't have any strong arguments for my point of view. I just think it's stupid. I have no issue with dressing up a little for Halloween and having fun going trick-or-treating with your little ones (although my feelings on trick-or-treating with babies is also a strong one: I think it's stupid!). When  you start coordinating family costumes though, eek... it's a bit much for me.

I'm sure I might change my mind a bit when we have a baby of our own (though I really don't think I will) :)

FML

I hate when people post FML on Facebook. Inevitably, it is always followed by something that is clearly not an FML situation. An FML situation is a situation that is so dire and, just plain shitty, that you don't have actual time to worry about posting it on Facebook.

Some people post FML in regard to traffic. Um--- we live in NJ---the most densely populated state in the U.S. Fuck population density, maybe...but not your life.

Others post FML in connection to instances like having tons of grad school work to do. Okay-- a majority of people make the choice to go to grad school; most aren't forced into it.  If they're making that choice, then they shouldn't complain. I suffered through grad classes and working full-time (all while regressing to an acne-ridden face from the chaos of it all); I survived...and not once did I post FML.

I just think that our society is such a generation ME society. People really need to think about others' situations and, then, they should give mindful thought to whether they are truly in FML situations.

Take me, for example. John and I got married and moved into our first home. Three months later, he quit his job (with my agreement) and decided to go back to school. Now, we have: mortgage payments (almost 3x what our previous apartment rent was), the higher utilities bills that come with houses, and tuition fees. I work full-time and John is only working part-time. The situation sucks. BUT... our relationship is great and even better than ever. We're making our ends meet, month to month. It could be worse. It isn't an FML situation.

I think I am going to start an FPD movement though.

Hilarious

The women at Weight Watchers crack me up.

Today, I had a weight gain of .8 pounds. "Just a speck," according to the woman who signed me in at the front desk. A speck? It's almost a pound...

The woman at the front desk proceeded to look me over, up and down: "What kind of pants do you have on today?"

I had on light spandex exercise pants... the kind I always wear on weigh-in day. I had no shoes on and a light t-shirt on, like usual.  My clothing is the "control" in this weight loss "experiment."

My sister-in-law, upon hearing of my weight gain, asked me, "Did you... you know...go to the bathroom today?"

Hilarious...the excuses that we make for ourselves, and for others.

Nope, ladies. No heavier clothing. No lack of excretion. Just too many slices of pumpkin cake and Italian appetizers at Saturday night's dinner.

On to next week....

Heavy breathing, like Notorious B.I.G.

I remember when Notorious B.I.G.'s songs came out---my friends and I would laugh at the heavy breathing he produced during the song--clear signs that the man was morbidly obese and, possibly, had binged a cheeseburger, fries, and onion rings during sound checks.

Right now, I have a gigantic ass.  I am also breathing heavily when simply walking around or carrying things. I'm just annoyed at how I've "let myself go."

I officially started WW on Monday. Went to the meeting and stepped on the scale of truth. The number was higher than I thought it would be.  Some girl at the meeting was basically explaining her way of cheating the points system and making something be less points. Another woman asked, "I just don't know what to do. At night, all I want to do is eat." I had to slightly smile at comments like that. 1] Don't "cheat" the points system.... it's meant for estimations, not total scientific accuracies. 2] Um- don't eat?

I am trying to take things in stride. Went to put on my "big jeans" for work and they were skin tight. Skin tight where you are left with rivet marks from the waist band deeply pressing into your flesh. Whatever. Put on another pair of jeans that were probably too casual for work but oh well.

Am just trying to keep a positive state of mind, which is ridiculously difficult for pessimist me. Think I will make like DJ Tanner in that infamous Full House episode: put pictures of models all over the fridge, snack on ice cubes, and exercise lots... I'll be that episode minus the fainting.

Vocation

Voc means having to do with the voice. A vocation, as most know it, is a job-- though the word's definition also generally includes the phrase "a calling."

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Agh. At times, I wish summer vacation was less time or that I could find a "summer job" that would pay decent and be "fun." When it comes down to it, not working for two months makes it extremely difficult on the eventual evening before you go back to work.

I have to do seating charts, make some cut-outs for the bulletin board, and do some other mundane tasks. I've stayed in all day and basically done nothing except eat exorbitant amounts of food and flip-flopped through the various marathons on TV: 90210, Housewives of NJ, and The Office.

Of course, part of me is nervous about tomorrow morning--- the first impressions the students will form about me, especially.

Many times, people have asked me (students and adults) whether I think you need to be smart to be a teacher. While intelligence is a factor, when you get down to it, you just have to be a few steps in front of the students. Not exactly genius work, especially at middle school or primary school level.

At this stage in the teaching game, I feel like confidence can make you rise above any missing intellectual components. Act like you know and act like you are spectacular at what you do and people, notably 13 year olds, fall for it.

I feel like I am the other way around--I have the intelligence part down-pat but am lacking the confidence part---which makes going back to work tomorrow even more challenging. Nothing I will do with my classes tomorrow will be particularly deep or thought-provoking. I just need the confidence. Argh.

As thoughts are swirling around me about the idea of going "back to work," the following poem aptly arrived in my inbox as poem of the day.

Vocation
by Sandra Beasley

For six months I dealt Baccarat in a casino.
For six months I played Brahms in a mall.
For six months I arranged museum dioramas;
my hands were too small for the Paleolithic
and when they reassigned me to lichens, I quit.
I type ninety-one words per minute, all of them Help. Yes, I speak Dewey Decimal.
I speak Russian, Latin, a smattering of Tlingit.
I can balance seven dinner plates on my arm.
All I want to do is sit on a veranda while
a hard rain falls around me. I'll file your 1099s.
I'll make love to strangers of your choice.
I'll do whatever you want, as long as I can do it
on that veranda. If it calls you, it's your calling,
right? Once I asked a broker what he loved
about his job, and he said Making a killing.
Once I asked a serial killer what made him
get up in the morning, and he said The people.

The kind of morning I like

I haven't been outside yet, so who knows---it could be humid and uncomfortable.  I am loving the weather from inside the house though. Am sitting in the computer room with nothing but the windows to light the room. The blinds are half open. I can hear the breeze shake the trees intermittently. Spots of light and shadow are entering the window, then exiting. It's supposed to be in the 70s today. In my opinion, it's a perfect day.

"I'm a Weight Watcher!"

When I used to be on Weight Watchers (officially, as in going to the meetings and beaming over stupid incentives like bookmarks celebrating weight loss), I made up this 4-word jingle that basically copied the "I'm a Wheel Watcher" jingle from the gameshow. Instead, you guessed it, the lines in the jingle were "I'm a Weight Watcher."

Well, I guess I can sing that song again--starting this evening.

I have decided to rejoin Weight Watchers, meetings and all. I haven't stepped on a scale in ages but clothing says enough--- went to go put on my "loose" nice jeans for work and they were skin tight on me... like skin tight as in how Suzanne Somers wore her jeans on Three's Company. This was not a SEXY tight either.

Clothing tells enough. I don't need to step on a scale. I also don't want to step on a scale-- because I know the number will be high--the highest it has been in what I can truthfully say is YEARS.

I am trying to get too negative. Afterall, I am not 300 pounds or at the point of necessary gastric bypass (though I would welcome that "easy" weight loss-- haha). I'm just aggravated at myself. I got to such a good point over a year and a half ago and now I screwed it all up.

I used to say my total weight loss goal would be to get to 137. Screw that. For the timebeing, I just want my typically loose jeans to be loose:) Onward and upward (except for the #s on the scale)...

10 days in the shoes of Morgan Spurlock

I think I am still feeling residual effects from our Midwest Tour de Fat. Since we have gotten back from the trip, I've just been sitting around, basically doing nothing. Should really go to the gym and plan on actually getting there today. I know I just have to get back to improved eating habits but I feel, as the saying goes, "like a bump on a log."

Right now I am thinking of how, in Supersize Me, Morgan Spurlock gets his medical checkup (after nearly a month of consuming McDonald's) and his cholesterol, heart rate, etc are dreadful. I feel the same.

I don't know how people can eat like this all the time. I just feel like shit :) In fact, I don't know how I ate like this in high school. I used to always eat Mcdonald's, Burger King, etc. Guess that's why I had to wear guys' clothing for most of my high school life (could never find my size in regular stores for girls).

Gluttony goes hand in hand with another "g" word: guilt.

Left to my own ideas

So I couldn't think of anything to write and googled "blog post ideas." I got a bunch of stupid ideas:) Even beyond stupid, a lot of them seemed pretentious...like I should post under the assumption that I have a huge following or something. Lame.

Instead I am left on my own to come up with ideas.

We're back from the Midwest trip. I loved Wisconsin. Granted, we were in Wisconsin during the most beautiful time of the year but still-- could winter be that bad?

Along the trip, there were definite laugh-out-loud points. Just a sampling of them:

**When we were touring the Miller Brewery, the guy in front of us had on a bowling-style shirt that said ROTTING FLESH on the back, yellow letters against a black background. Badass. Haha.

**Also on the brewery tour, we saw some guy fondling a cigar in his hand. Seriously. He had the cigar, unlit, resting between his fingers.

**This girl was leaving, Culver's, a popular fast food restaurant. She was, and I say this truthfully, huge. She had on a light blue t-shirt, speckled with bleach stains. Maybe a Pollock fan? :) She also had on cotton shorts that clearly had an elasticized waist. Upon reaching into the backseats on her caravan, the shirt went up, the shorts went down, and... ass was seen. Hilarious.

**At this metal show we went to, we saw this guy that clearly needed other people's validation. He did that hand gesture, the one that means "Rock on" or something like that. While doing the gesture, he looked around him and kind of shook his head in an affirmative way--seeking someone else to agree with him that the music was "badass." He had a portion of his hair that was spiked and dyed red. He had on: a Rolling Stone tee, jeans with large ass pockets, bright white sneakers, a silver studded belt (think 8th graders shopping at Hot Topic), a skull bandana twisted around his wrist, a red studded-like bracelet, and painted nails. I am not making any of these details up. He was hilarious.

Good times.

Midwest thoughts

Almost [approximately] 10 years ago, John and me embarked on our East coast roadtrip.Over the course of 4 weeks, maybe even more, we traveled down I-95 and made our way to Florida. We stopped along the way in: Baltimore, some very urban place in DC/Virginia whose hotel featured a "drug watch jurisdiction" sign, Outer Banks, Savannah, Charleston, Daytona Beach, Miami, Orlando, and finally made it to Key West.

Right now we are halfway through our Midwest roadtrip. Drove 14 hours the first day and made it to Chicago. Wandered 'round Wrigleyville area of Chicago. Moved on to Milwaukee (parked astoundingly far from places that has ridiculously close parking spots---we assume every place is like NYC: "Stop! Take the parking spot as soon as you see it.").Next was Mall of America (fun, but we were hoping it would be like a little town-- a place where you could sleep and everything--instead it was tourist mecca). We then turned around and made it back to Appleton to visit John's friend.

Being out here makes me think of possibilities of moving. The houses are reasonably priced and if I moved out here I'd feel like I was making money and not just giving the entire paycheck to the mortgage company.People say you make more $ in NJ and that's true, but it's mainly only true for those upper level business jobs. Plus, the house prices are exponentially cheaper... you'd make out in the end by moving here.

There's so much green too. On the highway, we saw what I could honestly say were verdant tracts of land. Tons of wildflowers growing on roadsides. Plenty of horses and cows to see. There's lot of state and county parks and just general kindess. It's the type of place in which I would want to have John and I raise a family.

Moving would not happen for AWHILE but it's something wonderful to keep in the back [but not too far back] part of my mind. 
 

STFU

Agh. Facebook status posts aro so annoying and self-indulgent. I don't need to hear about someone's amazing vacation or read some lameass post that praises the "aesthetics" of artwork at the Tate Museum.

This one really makes me roll my eyes: 1 year ago today I married my best friend, today I get to look forward to spending an entire lifetime together!

Half the time, when I read facebook status updates I am either thinking to myself "shut the fuck up" or "get a fucking life." Yes, i realize one could argue that the second thought could easily be said to me, in terms of the abundant amount of time I spend reading the stupid status updates in the first place.

I feel that sites like Facebook are places where people can just gloat about the wonderful, amazing, fill in the blank here with any lameass adjective you'd see on sticker that an elementary school teacher would hand out, things going on in their lives. Equally annoying is when people are like "There's a long line at the DMV--- fml." Really? Fuck your life because you're waiting on a long line somewhere...?

When I am away from the computer, it generally "does me good." Although I miss it, it is so completely refreshing to go about my day and just get things done. I like situations where I am forced to be without technologies, for temporary amounts of time.

I've made an oath to myself to not post self-indulgent things....though I am not really a self-indulgent kind of person anyway, when it comes to comments I make in everyday life. I like to avoid the spotlight being on me... because there's over 6.5 billion other people in the world.

Mixed Sky

Love the sky outside right now. There's still a trace of blue jutting through the rest of the sky, white and grey. There's dark clouds overhead but the sky still looks indecisive---not sure if it will rain, downpour, or just stay stagnant.

For years, I've quite enjoyed weather reports of epic proportions. Whenever there's a hurricane or earthquake [not in Jersey, of course], I stay near the television and constantly tune in to hear about the latest progression. Somehow I feel that my enthusiasm for natural disasters would significantly decrease if I lived in an area that actually had natural disasters.

Natural disasters are to the Weather Channel what Britney Spears breakdowns are to Perez Hilton--- a godsend.

The forecast for tonight is pretty bland: a mix of clouds and sun. Tomorrow, it will be "generally sunny." Sunday, just about the same. Monday has a chance for scattered thunderstorms---that makes me smile. I love the sudden sound of thunder crashing, the darkened skies, and the occasional lightning bolt being the only thing that illuminates your daylight bedroom.

Behind

I know I say nothing original when I talk about how I can't "get ahead" no matter what. John and I have met many people our age who basically are idiots but who are, economically, quite a bit ahead of us. So basically intelligence does not necessarily equate to money. It's kind of a depressing thought. I mean, I don't care about money that much but it pisses me off that a stupid person could be ahead of me:) I realize that's a very conceited kind of thing to say. Oh well.

Things just annoy me. Today we paid $550 for John to get his car fixed. Then, we paid $2200 for his fall tuition bill. Both payments are for things we need and it's not like they're lavish purchases...but maybe that's part of the problem. I don't have a need for lavish purchases but it would be comforting to know that I had extra money in the bank to make said lavish purchases if I wanted to.

I really don't know what I'd do with exorbitant amounts of money in the bank though. Maybe buy some pairs of Betsey Johnson earrings. Buy some new Birks. Buy high quality shampoo and hair products. That's about it. I'm sure I'd figure it out if extra income suddenly came my way.

"Don't be so judgemental; not everyone is from Beverly Hills"

Oh, David Silver...such a sage.

It's amazing how watching an hour rerun of a show from your adolescence can bring back a flood of memories.

Soapnet is having reruns of Beverly Hills 90210... they're episodes of the college years... Makes me instantly think of how I loved this show during middle school and high school. I truly liked it during middle school (because I was dumb and actually thought the show was entertaining). I continued to like the show during high school (because I felt bad "abandoning" it).

I remember having a white tshirt with 90210 written in purple, brandon walsh standing to the left side of the nine--I proudly wore this shirt, even though I usually detest white tshirts! I remember naming my lameass pet hermit crab "Austin," after Brian Austin Green. I remember how the plotlines became more ridiculous as time continued, but i just continued watching because, who knows, maybe the show could have improved...kind of similar to my thinking when I continued watching Saved by the Bell even though the college years were ridiculous....

Even when the plotlines reached hilarity (David's drug problem, Dylan wife "Toni" getting shot, Nat having a heart attack) I still watched the show. What's wonderful is that even as you get older and times change, when you watch these shows, they truly do instantly bring you back in time. I guess every generation assumes that their generation is the best but I can't imagine today's young generation having such affinity for current shows in the future... reality shows don't really hold up as well as lame pseudo-soaps...

Track 2, Love is a Mix Tape EP

Mike... boyfriend #2. We met on Yahoo Personals--I realize that meeting every person you've dated via online means seems quite lame and pathetic. Whatever:)

Mike and I had absolutely nothing in common. His music collection consisted of Christian bands like Jars of Clay, Weird Al's discography, and Billy Joel albums. When I played the Cranberries for him, he seemed entranced.

He was a Baptist, very much into Nascar, was interested in fixing up his Chevy Blazer and El Camino, and was not against wearing jeans cut into shorts. The twilight zone of dating for me.

We only stayed with each other for the summer and I broke up with him through AOL messaging.

Funny, the thing I liked most about him were the Cehvy Blazer and the El Camino. The Chevy Blazer had the backseats torn out and had gigantic tires. I remember being impressed when Mike hopped these huge curbs behind the old Mace Furniture and we made out. Hopping curbs with a S?UV-- these are the things that reel in women:) The El Camino was purple and had a dirty back windshield-- through the dust, you could decipher remnants of his ex: "Lisa <3s Mike." It always fascinated me that he was so maniacal about the mechanics of his car but didn't bother to clean them.

His ex had some reproductive issue and could never get pregnant-- so they had tons of sex without condoms or anything. Mike and I never made it to the sex point anyway.

I think the Baptist faith and enthusiasm over Weird Al made me not go past making out point.

The summer we dated was the summer of Len's one hit wonder, "Steal My Sunshine." -- the song resonates with me as being a cheesy summer hit. When I hear it now, I want to roll my eyes and smile at the same time.

Not surprising, "Steal My Sunshine" was one of Mike's favorite songs...

Track 2: Len's "Steal My Sunshine" .....

La Belle Dame Sans Merci

Love is a Mix Tape, or EP, selections will be continued soon:) ....

My birthday is in about a week and a half. I've never been the type to want to make a big deal out of my birthday. In fact, I think it's more amusing to participate in festivities when others make big deals out of their birthdays.

I also think that I am one of those people who revels in seeing who actually remembers my birthday. I like to say nothing, mention nothing to anybody, and then see what happens.

John always struggles with what to get me for a gift. He generally waits until the last possible moment, in which he has to use the mall as means for the gift...no online shopping for procrastinators.

Last year, he got me this Vera Bradley purse--- green with large, bold flowers. It was exactly the one I wanted. I ended up returning it though...just never used it.

A few years ago, knowing that I love the color green, he got me a LARGE jade pendant. I returned it for something a little more modest.

This year, I told him I wanted a nice framed print for the bedroom. I gave him a website and wrote down 4 artists' names: Mucha, Waterhouse, Wyeth, and Klimt. I told John to search through the artists and pick a painting that would be good for the bedroom that both of us would like. Not an easy task, I realize. Kind of like a birthday gift/scavenger hunt.

He showed me three paintings that made the "final cut": Klimt's Hygieia, Klimt's Apple Tree 1912, and Waterhouse's La Belle Dame Sans Merci. For each painting, he told me an apt reason for wanting it for us. Hygieia somehow represents male and female, Apple Tree connects to us because apple picking is truly one of the things we look forward to each autumn, and La Belle Dame Sans Merci relates to a phrase he has heard for years---additionally, the painting is of a woman and a knight.

We're going with La Belle Dame Sans Merci. Based on a Keats poem, it actually isn't the most "romantic" of paintings, despite the imagery's conveyance. It's mysterious.

I almost feel like we don't even have to buy the print now---just knowing that he picked that one out is a good gift... we're still buying the framed print:)

"Love is a Mix Tape"

A few years ago, Rob Sheffield wrote "Love is a Mix Tape." The title alone reeled me in and I purchased the book. Clinging to the awesomeness of the title and the excellence of the cover art (two very stupid, yet influential things), I read on, hoping that the book would get better. I never finished it. Its spine is still prominently featured on my bookshelf though. Can't underestimate the value of glancing at a great title and smiling.

So...I got to thinking about it tonight on my drive home....on 124 west or 24 west...have lived here 10+ years and still get confused.

If I were to make a mix tape of my past loves, what single song would represent each person?

I quickly realized that instead of a list of songs that would compose my mix tape, my list of songs would compose a short EP. There weren't too many past loves, especially if the main technicality is that for someone to be a past love, it has to have been someone with whom I had an actual relationship...

Paul-- high school boyfriend---

We started dating under false premises. Jeff, from our lunch table, told Paul that I liked him. I was in 11th grade and Paul was in 9th grade. I guess an 11th grade girl (even an overweight, acne-ridden girl)liking a 9th grade minion was seen as a something to go after.

Paul immediately asked me out (I didn't know about the whole Jeff thing and thought Paul liked me). Despite not being attracted to him and thinking that we had absolutely nothing in common, I said yes. Another word for yes in situations like these is desperation.

Our first "date" was after school by the bay. We walked on the Ocean Gate boardwalk and sat on the sand. Instantly, Paul lunged forward toward my mouth; all I noticed was his hawk-like nose diving toward me (accurate sight--friends in high school called him "Bird" because of that prominent feature). After he tried kissing me, I replied, "What the fuck were you thinking?"

A bit of a rough start to a relationship...

We dated for 1 1/2 years. It was a "passionate" two years...like the stuff that Sunday night Lifetime movies are made of. Our personalities just didn't click. I yelled all the time; he basically did whatever I told him.

If I had to pick one song to represent this relationship it would be Firehouse's "Sleeping with You." Irony is that in 18 months of dating, we never technically "did it"-- everyone assumed we did but nope...I held out:)

I remember Paul liked an interesting range of music: STP, Alice in Chains, Cannibal Corpse,.... and remnants of his dad's tastes: Firehouse, George Thorogood, Alice Cooper, etc...

He did make me a mix tape once...and I recall it being an odd combination of songs, which is what a mix tape is generally all about.

"Sleeping with You" may be a song that seems to have sexual innuendo in it, but I always thought of it innocently-- as in sleeping beside someone and just enjoying the peace of the moment.

Even though I wouldn't call our relationship perfect, it was my first real relationship and a bunch of other silly, innocent firsts came with it... this song stands out in my mind as track 1, Paul.

......

Happiness Project

Am reading Gretchin Rubin's book, The Happiness Project, and am thoroughly enjoying it. I like that the author tells it as it is: it's not like she is impoverished, diagnosed with depression, suffering through a divorce, or going through other monumental struggles. Instead, she is just seeking more happiness in her day-to-day life.

While summer is a phenomenally relaxing time for me, I also find that I am very challenged by motivating myself. Most days, I don't wake up until after 10 and don't manage to leave the house until well after 1pm. Leaving the house at 1pm to "start my day" gets me to thinking: if it were a "work day," I would have taught 5 classes by now. I still would have the same amount of "free time" left in my day. In other words, I am starting to feel very unproductive amidst the summer days.

I made a silly to-do list, but with things that actually mean a lot to me, in terms of getting them done. I have joked about turning the ugly 1950s bathroom into "fun, 1950s kitsch," but that has only be imagined, not completed. I've talked about printing my online photos and organizing my photos albums...the print button has not been touched yet. And almost upon our 2 year anniversary, we still have not completed out wedding album!

Not exactly large-scale goals, but things that I should, nevertheless, be able to accomplish quickly....

I also want to start blogging more often. Rubin suggests blogging 6x a week... while it seems like a lot, I just think about the large span of time that can pass when I don't blog often.

Despite the cheesiness factor, I think I might use some blog-writing-prompt sites to help me and truly begin to blog 6x a week.

:)

Downtrodden

Downtrodden... such a sad word... it's probably a bit extreme for how I feel now, but it's within the general vicinity.

With all of the things Gov. Christie has been proposing and with the various negative comments about teachers from online forums, one can't help but feel downtrodden.

A co-worker and I were talking after school the other day--I was saying how sometimes when I come to work I feel like a sucker, like someone who just is a complete idiot and allows herself to be walked upon. Yes, yes. Healthcare benefits are great. I get a salary increase each year [even if it is ridiculously small in comparison to the LEAP in salary people in other careers make]. I have a pension plan [who knows if NJ will have the $ in place by the time I retire].

I just feel like a sucker because I know other people in different jobs ...mainly tech jobs...who get paid astronomical amounts. They don't necessarily even have a degree in their field, let alone a Master's degree. I "get" that my Master's in Reading doesn't "seem" all too important in the spectrum of the real world. But my day-to-day role and impact on children should count for something. I shouldn't feel like I am struggling to make ends meet while some other person sits in his cozy office job and makes six figures.

People act like "anyone" can teach. They should try it. Maybe they'd change their minds.

Some days I go into work and I just feel like quitting teaching and getting some office job...not that I have qualifications for an actual good office job... I'd just be doing some data entry and be bored beyond description. But sometimes the thought of hiding behind grey cubicle walls is nice....

Then I catch Office Space on some lower grade cable channel and come to my senses.

Looking for that 1/2 empty glass

Don't know what it is about me, but I look for the fault in every situation.

I recently read an online article that stated the different personality aspects that affect someone's happiness and longevity in life. One factor that negatively impacted happiness and longevity was cynicism.

I am definitely a cynic, always wondering and questioning things...and always assuming the worst.

Cue Russ, the neighbor.

Russ and his wife have a baby girl, one years old...Madeline. I'm sure they default to calling her "Maddie." They have typical family gatherings for things such as Maddie's birthday, christening, etc. Things center on Maddie. Michelle, Russ's wife, rushes into her "required" mode of transport-- a caravan-- each morning. She is a teacher at a local middle school. She happens to be a reading teacher. I know-- coincidences.

Russ is a good-looking guy. Mid 30s. No, probably late 30s. Most likely balding, as he keeps his hair very close shorn. Okay build--- not fat but certainly not hitting the gym too frequently, if ever.

Michelle is a little homely. In the summer, I sometimes would see her wearing loose v-neck tees and cottony capris. I thought I dressed lazily, but apparently I have competition in that area.

Russ does something business-related. He is always dressed nicely. Who knows-- he could sell cars at a Saturn dealership---but somehow I get that taking-train-into-city vibe. Or... just commuting to somewhere like Seacaucus or Jersey City.

He's crazy into his yard. One morning, I saw him watering his lawn at 5:30. Fucking nuts.

He put up Christmas lights last week. Icicle lights dangling from across the roof... a lit wreath on the door... greenery twining on the railing up the outside stairs. In the back, he even put lights on a tree in the yard. White lights, of course. I HATE white Christmas lights. And white lights on a timer. They go on around 5pm and turn off nightly at 10. Russ and Michelle are always asleep real early. I can't fathom turning out my lights by 9, but by 9pm at their house, it looks like total darkness.

Russ is probably the type of husband who scrapes the ice and snow off his wife's window without being asked to. He probably can "fend for himself," food-wise, if needed. I'm sure he does some of his laundry on his own, though he isn't "perfect" enough to tidily fold his socks and underwear...but they make it into the dresser drawers.

Seems like a nice guy. They seem like a pretty functional couple.... Yet- a part of me asks-- what is that bastard doing on the side?

Observations to pass the time

* I find it amusing [and depressing] that many people do not know how to pronounce the name of our street: Sioux. The pronunciations that people create are interesting, to say the least. The most popular mispronunciation is "SI- UX." Today, the woman with whom I spoke on the phone commented, "American English is hard." I researched and found that the name is modified and has some Canadian French roots but....Um.... it's a Native American tribe.... shouldnt she recognize the name from somewhere??? ...

* It is funny that there is a guy at the gym with arms as "toned" as mine [i.e. not at all] who persists in wearing a sleeveless tee. That's actually a consistent thing with most men at the gym...the sleeveless tee...either purchased "pre-de-sleeved" or homemade via cutting the sleeves off. I don't get it. I revel in the fact that John is pretty muscular but refuses to wear those types of shirts.

*Even funnier than the abundance of sleeveless tees is WHITE Under Armour gear. WHITE. Enough said. Eek.

* A student asked me if I had ever heard of Lady Gaga. Even if you don't actively listen to new "pop" stars, if you glance at magazines or flip on the TV once in a while, then you will be up to date on your pop culture stuff. Me-- I read Perez everyday and own the album, THE FAME. My response to this student was a look, straight in the eye, and a dry "No, I live on Mars."

* The previous owners of this house were huge proponents of Jewish charities. At least 4 times a week, we get solicitations connected to Jewish charities. We also get snazzy catalogs such as THE RESOURCE FOR ALL THINGS JEWISH. No kidding...the title is something along those lines. They have a really cool plaque in which you can put some of the shattered glass from your traditional Jewish wedding.... and cool, artsy menorahs.

Sunday nights....

I detest Sunday nights.

Just the dread of starting the "work week"--- I hate the feeling hovering over me. I always say that I will get "everything" I need to get done for the weekend completed on Friday, thus leaving me a worry-free weekend. Completing all my work on Friday generally does not happen. I then have all these aspirations of getting the work done over the course of the weekend, in dribs and drabs... leaving work on Friday, my pseudo-briefcase is brimming with paperwork....so much paperwork that when I make a swift turn with the car, papers go flying out of the briefcase and land on the passenger seat on the floor.

Quick flash forward to our current Sunday night.

Those papers are still on my passenger seat floor.

Agh.

I'd grade them if they weren't shit. My students seem so incredibly unmotivated. I try to give them "meaningful" assignments. Recently, a student put me "on the spot" and asked about the purpose behind the class's weekly vocab assignment. I didn't get offended or angry; I simply told him the purposes of the assignment. He still hasn't handed in any of the weekly vocab assignments.

I feel like no matter what I do, some of these students will still be ridiculously unmotivated. I can't help but feel that some of us teachers have made students this way. We seem to "do everything" for them. I laugh when my colleagues give students a super-precise study guide that maps out the exact format and questions that will be on a future test or quiz. We're not really making them independent are we now?

Back to Sunday nights. They amaze me so much because they are full of procrastination. Depending on the "most important task" of the moment, it's interesting what things I will choose to do with my time other than the actual task. Case in point: i'd rather rake or run miles upon miles instead of doing "work work." And I'm not a fan of raking or running at all. It's just interesting how your mindset about something changes when that "thing" is the alternative to a "thing" you want to do even less.

Vapidness

Well, after hefting all our stuff into the new [to us...] house, it seems horrible to think about moving all it out. However, that's what I was doing tonight....thinking about moving it out, that is.

I feel down. I hate when I feel like this because it is significantly different from my "normal" cynical, pessimistic self. This "down" is just a feeling of emptiness...if other people with real problems and challenges [loss of job, terminal illnesses, lack of close relationships, family tragedies] heard me say I was down, they would look and me and mutter, "Fuck you."

Things aren't that bad...I realize that.

But driving to class tonight, I started getting upset....

Driving in Jersey is so ridiculous. The roads are so crowded and everyone is so incredibly rude. Driving onto Montclair's campus isn't much better. People cutting you off in traffic, etc. And the air of arrogance that most people walk around with... it's uncanny.

When I walk into class, it's 32 girls chattering on and on. It sounds like loud, indistinct sounds merged together. Kind of reminds me of the "teacher voice" used on Charlie Brown. And I know we're all sitting there, listening intently, thinking about our soon-to-be-received Master's degrees. Some people sit there and you can tell they think highly of themselves...not the "I have a good level of confidence" amount...but just the "I am superior" amount. Meanwhile, I sit there, thinking, "I don't know shit about what my degree is and feel ill-prepared to walk out of this place and call myself a reading specialist....".... so I probably won't.

I just wonder if things would be easier if I packed my shit and moved somewhere less expensive...and less crowded.

They say "grass is always greener on the other side"---in this case, it might actually be true.

Self-Loathing Saturday

We had this cheesy motivational speaker at work the other day. Antics during his presentation included putting a clown nose on his face and making it disappear, then reappear. During most of the presentation, I sat in my chair [utterly uncomfortable--back pressing against metal back of chair] and thought of various other dreadfully boring activities that I'd rather be doing.

Two things stuck out from his presentation though:

1] "The past is not the present."
Sure, the past affects the present and the past is still part of who you are...but it isnt the entirity of who you are. If you had challenges in the past and overcame them... great. If you made mistakes in the past, what has happened has happened...just try to make them again.

2] "Most of us only achieve 20% of our potential."
So yes... I can sit at the kitchen table and read the stupid alumni letter from my college and get irked at reading about others' accomplishments...but it's not like I do not also have the ability to achieve those things. I can sit here on a saturday afternoon and think "I feel fat, unattractive, etc"... or I can get up off my ass and just start my day and be the best I can be. ***I realize the "be the best I can be" statement is ridiculously lame.

I'm just having a shitty Saturday... and i guess what I need to do is go outside, appreciate the beautiful weather, call a friend or two, and sit down and enjoy my free time... instead of sitting here, loathing myself. Easier said than done.

Tech Overload

Wow. I never thought I'd be so into technology. I mean... most "techies" would not consider me to be a person who is so into technology, but this summer has shown itself to be a summer full of technological explorations.

1] Facebook. I originally was anti-Facebook and much preferred Myspace. Soon everyone just kind of moved over to Facebook so I was kind of forced into using that as my social networking tool. But it's a fun site. There's all these cheesy quizzes you can take. You can send virtual gifts [which I think is lame, but I still do it anyway]. Although i used to rag on John for playing World of Warcraft hours on end, I have gotten interested in a Facebook game... Farmville. I'm not that "into" it, but I definitely check my farm's "status" a few times a day. It astounds me that you can add accessories to your farm by paying with real money. Again...the idea of buying virtual things... I don't get it.

2] Blogger. Ok...I have this blog... but then I also suggested to my Weight Watcher cohorts that we start a blog for our Wednesday night group. So now I find myself checking that and seeing what people have written. We only have 5 people on the blog thus far...it hasnt quite hit the "masses" of the Wednesday night group. People get scared of technology...and a lot of the WW people are older and may not be used to blogs, etc.

3] CraigsList. Addictive. We bought new bedroom, living room, and "tv room" furniture. For the dining room, we are going to buy a used set... Each day I check Craigslist for dining rooms. I mostly am entertained... there's a lot of crap out there. I DETEST country style dining room sets. "White-washed" wood is simply horrible. Black lacquer is not "modern" in my mind and just looks tacky. "Shabby chic" is code for "shit."

4] Myspace...because I have hope that one day the masses will return... although I've gotten so used to Facebook.

5] Perez Hilton. I really need to learn more about Obama's healthcare plan and who is running for governor in November. Instead... I know all about Jon Gosselin... I know that Katie Holmes disappointed audience members when she performed on So You Think You Can Dance. I know that Victoria Beckham is no longer doing underwear modeling for Armani. Also, Lily Allen goes from crazy/tacky to fun/glamorous one day to the next.

It's going to suck when summer ends :(

Suburbanite Observations

It's been 2 weeks+ since we have moved in. I, oddly, find myself annoyed with clutter and "brick-a-brack." I like the streamlined look of our bedroom and how there's nothing messy about it. The junkmail that is inevitably strewn across the kitchen table irritates me, but it can't be helped. I find the packrat in me putting aside window installation coupons, thinking in my head, "Maybe we'll use this soon."

I find myself thinking that maybe I need a stepstool by our bedroom window, so Flash and Lola don't mark up the walls with paw prints when attempting to jump from the ground to the window.

In short, I guess I am now domesticated.

It's interesting to peoplewatch in the neighborhood. Back in the apartment, it was less of peoplewatching and more of listening. I could hear the next door upstairs neighbors loudly fighting. Him calling her a drunk bitch and her trying to have a comeback and ending up slurring her words instead. The downstairs neighbors would have dinner parties and you'd hear laughter. Another neighbor would have friends over for UFC and pay per view events. You'd hear cheering from their apartment.

Our bedroom is in the front of the house. Part of the time this is frustrating because I like my privacy...but I also like looking out the window, from a distance, and watching what everyone is doing.

Some observations:
*Edith IS our neighborhood watch. Her beach chair is perpetually in her front yard and on any day that is not raining, she sits in her chair and watches everything.

*The guy diagonal from us is what I envision as the typical suburban dad. He constantly is working on lawn maintenance. Today it was amusing because as he was "investigating" from dried patches of grass, he was flicking his cigarette's ashes on the lawn.

*Times don't change. Teenagers careen their cars up the street, with loud, awful music blasting. I guess this is considered "cool."

Things are good so far.

Aww.

I love eavesdropping on conversations...although eavesdropping is not the exact word I am looking for. I like hearing snippets of conversation in the background of whatever I am doing:)

Yesterday, I was walking around the apartment complex, getting my 10000 steps in. This beige car (Toyota Corolla, functional, simple) pulled up to the curb of one of the buildings. Out from the driver's side stepped a man dressed in a dress shirt and khakis. Walking down the sidewalk toward the car was a woman (about the man's age-- mid 50s?) who was all dressed up in a black dress. He opened the trunk and she put an overnight bag in (my guess is they were on their way to an overnight/weekend trip to AC).

He asked her, "How are you doing?"
She replied, "Great. How are you?"
And then he said.... "I'm great now that you're here."

Aww:) It makes me smile to hear those things in real life.

Although I do have to say... the cynic in me... if a guy said that to me, I'd have to really force myself not to giggle or accidentally roll my eyes.

Overall though...that type of cheesiness would probably make me beam:)

Slowly but surely....

We will be moved out of this apartment.

We closed on the house today. Our lawyer was a literal mess. His entire office was full of various piles of file folders, bound together by huge binder clips. I do the same thing to organize class sets of essays when they are handed in... but... I am a teacher...not a legal representative.

His swivel chair was also missing a back and one of the arms. When he left the room to xerox something, John took a photo with his cell phone. I broke into laughter. When the lawyer returned back into the room, it took all the self-control I could gather to not start laughing boisterously.

We haven't started too much packing. There's so much stuff...it's overwhelming.

But we're making progress.

Today, I faced the fact that even though they're my "favorite jeans," if they have holes not only at the knee but on both the ass and crotch, plus on both lower ankles, then maybe they can be thrown out. Little steps...little steps... hopefully we'll be out of here by the end of the lease....

Rollercoaster

I am back "on" with Weight Watchers. I was not ever officially "off" but whenever I don't psychotically track, I gain weight. So annoying. It's not like I've been having pizza, burgers, shakes, chips, etc. I treated myself to some beers last weekend. Otherwise, I ate fine... or so I thought...2 pounds up.

Argh.

John says if i build muscle and start using weights, things will balance out. How stubborn people can be... because I realize he is right but i HATE the weight room side of the gym...so here I continue on... keeping up with cardio but not having huge results.

I witnessed something odd at the food store today and thought to myself, "Ok, I NEVER want to be like THAT." This "large" lady was passing me by in the coffee/cookies/etc aisle. She stopped her cart in front of the biscotis on display and said aloud, "Oh I love those things." She definitely was not targeting her comment toward anyone in particular. Instead, she just seemed to have the name to utter this comment of food favoritism aloud. I thought it was kind of sad.

Another way I don't ever want to be is... post pregnancy...one of those women who just "lets herself go"...who assumes it's ok to walk around in elasticized jeans [eek] and huge tshirts/hoodies because... she is taking care of a child. Obviously when you have a child, it is a life-altering experience but I don't think that means you should let yourself be a lesser version of your previous self. What does that say to your child, in the long run?

Ok...onward and upward...but not on the scale:)

Fuck you. I love you.

There's nothing quite like unleashing a tirade of curses upon your husband and then, hours later, still being able to lie beside each other in bed, do your silly-voice-talk, and fall asleep together.

John had me work out with him yesterday. We used kettle bells and I got to a point where I was like, "Forget it. I'll run. I'll do anything other than this." So, of course he then had me do 50 kettle bell swings and a jog around the apartment complex. After time #1, I figured we were done. I could, at last, go inside, drink some cold water, and sit down and read. I'm reading this book called Don't You Forget About Me. It's nothing stellar but it makes slight mention of the 1980s and takes place in a "fictitious" area that closely resembles Morristown, Chatham, etc. The author even mentions the Nautilus, aka "Nauseous" Diner.

We ended up doing the 50 kettle bell swing and run around the apartment complex a 2nd time. John has this great ability of making me push myself. I still don't give it my all, but it's better than me just going upstairs. After the 2nd time around, I felt pretty dead. Face red. Body crashing down onto the grass.

Even though it was a tough workout and despite saying "Whatever" and "I can't" and even a few "Fuck yous," I felt good after the workout. Even today...the back of my legs kill but...it feels good.

This week is already feeling significantly better than last week. There's something to be said for that whole body/mind connection idea.

karma

I shouldn't have made the "fat people" post... Despite eating healthy this week...the only exceptions being pigging out on food at John's parents late night on Friday [after being starved from a raw foods, 16 bite "feast"]...I gained 2.2 pounds. Karma.

Am so frustrated. John says if I add some strength training to my workout that it will help balance the weight loss and make it more consistent. I don't want to do strength training :( Other people at Weight Watchers "treat themselves" to weekly gorge fests on pizza, fries, etc. The last time I have had those foods... I can't even recall:( My metabolism, etc annoys me.

Also...lately...I find myself in a conflict with social networking sites. Part of me likes reading about friends and sharing thoughts, etc. Part of me thinks that these sites end up making me feel lonesome or sad. People seem to post [almost in a bragging manner] all these highlights of their lives. Additionally, it seems like we do more "commenting" back and forth than in "live," in-person time. Can make someone actually feel more out of touch with their "friends" than in touch. I sometimes think it'd be worthwhile to just get rid of myspace, facebook, etc.

Then... I worry what I would do with my time. Most likely it would be way more productive than [essentially] staring at a screen and taking silly "quizzes" like "What Beatles song are you?" and "What your birthdate says about you."

from 18 Days Without You, by Anne Sexton

December 16th

Once upon a time
you grew up in a bedroom the size of a dime
and shared it with your sister. That was West End
Avenue in Manhattan. Longing for country you were penned
into city, peering across the Hudson at Palisades Park.
The boy in you played stickball until it was dark.

One upon a time
I was the only child forbidden to climb
over the garden wall. I didn't dare to speak
up over the Victorian houseful of rare antiques.
My dolls were all proper, waiting in neat rows.
My room was high ceilinged, lonely and full of echoes.

Once upon a time
you said, "Now that the cabin is ours,
I'm going to run the power in."
And we had a power party.
I made gingham curtains. We nailed up your Doctoral degree.
We turned the stove on twice. Oh my love, oh my louse,
we make our own electricity while we play house.

Insensitive Bitch...or maybe just a realist

Losing weight has turned me into an aggressive bitch. Case in point: I was at Costco today, trying to navigate consumerism hell on earth. It wasn't even that it was crowded but simply that tons of fat, lazy people were slowly trudging through the store... stopping every five seconds to wait 1-2 minutes for a tiny food morsel sample. It was so annoying. In my head, I was thinking things like, "Move out my way, you fat fuck," "Could your pants be any tighter?," etc.

I NEVER thought this way before.

I guess losing weight has just made me annoyed with other people who, voluntarily, allow themselves to be unhealthy.... unattractive.... lazy...etc. All those traits go together. I wish that stores would stop selling huge sizes. Maybe then people would be motivated to try to take care of themselves--- public humiliation tends to do the trick in many scenarios.

I feel the best I have felt in a long time...probably ever. I can't imagine going back to what I was before...not that I was even anything too horrific. But, it's like once you improve yourself and see all the other positive changes that come along with that one initial improvement, theres no way you will go back to the way things were.

I really don't spend much of my own time thinking about other "fat" people...it's just something that was on my mind today...amidst the gluttons shopping @ Costco.

temperate skies

The weather of the past week has made me feel like we're in that Ray Bradbury short story, "All Summer in a Day." I witnessed the bright sun shining today, so I guess I won't be playing the part of the girl who gets locked in the closet--- imprisoned long enough to miss the sun shining, let out just in time to see the rain begin to pour again.

While I previously was intrigued by the idea of living in a primarily rainy area like Seattle, this week has confirmed that I would never want to permanently live in a place like that. The rain has been miserable.

The forecast for tonight and tomorrow is rainstorms...again. Right now, there's a light breeze outside and the fading sunlight is slipping through the gaps between trees, branches, and leaves. I like the contrast between the warm temperature outside and the slight chill of the breeze passing by.

I am not really in the mood for welcoming more rain, but I wouldn't mind a full-blown hail storm sometime soon. I remember when I was younger... I ran outside during a hail storm and "caught" hail in a bucket. I then proceeded to keep the bucket in the freezer for quite a few months. I have to start doing silly things like that again, sometime soon.

Fascination with accents

Any guy who comes to "the states" and has an accent should never be single. As in, there shouldnt be the possibility of singledom for him. American women LOVE accents.

Last night, Jen, Val, and I went out. Two guys were talking to us. One was the "dominant" guy---he came up to us first, started the conversation, etc. His friend (average height, glasses, not super attractive but not unattractive either] just kind of stood nearby, not saying anything. Later in the evening, he revealed that he is the "wingman" when him and his friend go out. Amusing.

When he finally spoke later in the evening, it turned out he had an accent. He's from Wales. Of course, all of us replied, "Oh, England?," to which he replied again, "No, Wales." I'd love to take an informal survey of Americans who actually know and/or recognize Wales as an actual country.

Chris (Welsh guy) was saying he has kind of sworn off dating and given up. Unbelievable. I told him he needs to go to a laundromat, carefully fold his wash, and make sure he goes to the counter and asks for change or some other simple request, making sure to put his voice at a good volume. The minute any woman hears an accent---bam---that's it.

American women are fascinated by accents. I've seen the same scenario occur amongst myself, friends, others: you may be bored with someone or just indifferent. The minute that accent is heard, you are immediately interested. It's something unique. Exciting. Unknown territory.

Nostalgia?....

Such a contradiction--- thinking that it is ridiculous that people constantly update their Twitter, Facebook, Myspace--- but the same time consciously being "concerned" that I don't have a lot of "friends" on those social networking sites--- Trying to do better things with my time--- finding myself sitting online and doing just about nothing productive with my time.

At 28, I mean, I guess I feel "mature"--- in some ways. But I feel like I've been in my current state for awhile. I've definitely changed over the past few years, feeling more confident probably being the biggest change--- but parts of me still feel like I'm not that far off from how I used to be.

I sometimes laugh at the popularity of certain bands and artists. Take Fall Out Boy. Pete Wentz is MY AGE--- but still dressing in skin tight, colored jeans a la Hot Topic---still getting tons of fans in the middle school/high school age group. Makes me think about music choices too. How do your music choices transcend time?

I, like every teenage girl, had Alanis Morrissette's Jagged Little Pill--- back in '95. Morissette was 21 when the album came out--- I'm sure some of the songs were written earlier than when she was 21 but, nonetheless, most of the album seemed reflective of her experiences. . . . I was 15 but somehow felt "connected" to the album...somehow felt I could relate to the anger in "You Oughtta Know," in addition to other songs... despite not even reaching the rite of passage of first kiss, let alone having someone fuck you and then leave.

I listened to that album today. Also listened to some old Fiona Apple albums recently. The albums still resonate with me. This leads me to asking--- is it nostalgia... or just pathetic?

At least I can feel happy with myself knowing that I will not utter that I feel "connected" to those albums. After a few tracks, the whining, angst-ridden lyrics get pretty aggravating.

Rainy Days and Mondays

It probably ages me significantly---the fact that I think of that song whenever it rains on a Monday. I remember when I was 7 or 8. They had this TV special on Karen Carpenter--- a mini-movie made for TV. I remember being fascinated--- the whole anorexia thing. How someone could get herself to a point of looking so frail-- and how no one really stopped her.

I'm not a huge Carpenters fan. Always thought the closeness between Richard and Karen was kind of weird too. But I do appreciate listening to the greatest hits album every once in awhile.

I love rainy days. With the exception of blow drying/styling my hair and then having the rain fuck it up, I love rainy days. They somehow energize me. I laugh at how people scurry around quickly, attempting to not get a single drop of rain water on themselves. Traffic is another thing. People just become possessed by some craziness. Suddenly, it's 5:00 and there's a constant stream of ambulance lights glittering up and down the highway. You hear police sirens more often, or so it seems.

The best time is before it rains too--- when you can smell the wetness in the air, smell earthiness, mixed in with the scent of asphalt--it does have a scent.

Melange of Sunday night thoughts

I don't know why I waste my time so much. I go through phases... sometimes I want to be out and about A LOT. This weekend was filled with a lot of sleep...mostly from avoidance of the grad school paper/presentation due tuesday. I worry the professor will ask some question about my research methods, seeking an answer from me which includes words like "standard deviation, correlation, etc." I'm worried I won't have an answer. But honestly...the worst that can happen is I simply say, "I don't know." It's just some stupid paper anyway.

The thing I did accomplish this weekend was going to the gym 3x in a row. Mostly lazy workouts though...elliptical. Lots of elliptical. Despite taking the weight training class, I still can't make my way over to the weights area. I just feel uncomfortable.

Just was going through my quote journal and re-reading some things. Despite having sad undertones, Bernhard Schlink's THE READER has some beautiful language, some lovely words about love too. I enjoy how a literary piece could be about the most gloomy topic, yet still have some rays of joy shining through. Another book vivid in my mind is Jarhead. Whole book about being amidst war, but I recall two or three pages in which the author describes getting ready to come back to the US. The night before leaving, he made love to a Japanese girl who he had known awhile; she had a boyfriend that had recently returned to her too. But Anthony Swofford's language is beautiful: "I sucked her breath from her mouth and she bit my tongue until it bled. As the sun broke into the barracks, we wept, and she kissed my chest softly."

It was annoying when they made Jarhead into a movie because the movie... sucked. And I'm pretty certain that the lovely aforementioned scene was definitely not included.

Onto other topics: Spring is here! Frankly, the beautiful daytime weather leads to instant slackerdom... I just want to sit outside and read all day. I'm happy that the trees are flowering too. Wish I knew the names of the "species," or phylum...or whatever word categorizes trees more specifically.

Getting ahead

Today, I came to a conclusion. Getting ahead does not necessarily have to do with being smart, being talented, or even being good at what you do. A lot of times, the people who get ahead are the ones who get off their ass and actually try to move forward. They take that first step. They are the ones would laugh at my "Procrastinators unite!!... tomorrow" t shirt but would never make that motto a part of their daily life.

I am looking to change positions at work. No, there would be no pay increase. No, I will not have more "power" or authority. Rather, I will simply be happier...or so I think.

This current Writing class they have me teaching is bullshit. The kids don't like it as much as they liked the Reading "supplemental" class---and they barely tolerated that class, as it was. Also, my class numbers are ridiculous. Three different preps, 150 WRITING students. The Language Arts teachers have 90 students. Totally unfair. It's just a shitty situation.

There's an opening for a Basic Skills/Gifted and Talented instructor. The preps would suck. It's all three grade levels, both Basic Skills in Math and LA and the Gifted/Talented curriculum. BUT... the light at the end of the tunnel, you ask? Significantly smaller class numbers. Also--the students have the class in "cycles." so as soon as I got through the prep work for cycle one, I'd be able to repeat it.

I told the principal I was interested, but have not done anything beyond that to attempt to "secure" my position in the job. A co-worker told me to write a letter in which I state my qualifications. 1] I am lazy, but 2] I feel like a jackass--"stating my qualifications."

There's someone else interested in the position. I think I can do way better than her. So...guess I should sit my ass down and prepare to be a jackass and write my letter of qualification... The alternative is another year of this Writing hell...

Wow. First a reed, then Cameron

Awesome times, really. Ok...so I am doing well with losing weight. Last night, Val's fiance said, "Where are your hips?" I didn't tell him and Val that I was doing Weight Watchers. I hate telling people I am watching my weight/on a diet plan. Then, each time they see you, they expect to see this monumental change in your weight....and it doesn't happen that way.

But last night David was like, "Where are your hips? You've lost weight." It cracks me up that guys mistake "chunk" on the sides of your body for hips. I mean...geez...I still have hips--just have a little less chunk.

John's aunt saw me about a month ago and said, "Oh my gosh! You're a reed." Seriously, the biggest compliment I have ever gotten:)

Last night at karaoke, Siler said I remind him of Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels... no...I am not suddenly 5'11" and super thin. He sent me the link today... I've never seen the movie...but the scene he sent me is a scene of her dancing around, silly, in the morning. And... it's not too far off from how I am when I am around the apartment alone. Sometimes...I dance in front of a mirror and lip sync to songs by Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Good times :)I used to hold back so much of myself and be concerned about what people thought. I'm still concerned but... am willing to rap Salt N Peppa's "Shoop" in the middle of a gay bar with rabbit ears on my head:)

Avoidance

Ah. Inspirational quotations. I hate the ones that are like "Getting up the hill is half the battle," blah blah blah. I rarely put myself in the situation where I am getting up the proverbial hill.

Most of my life, I've had this habit of quitting things when they are challenging...or simply avoiding them. Case in point: college. Despite going to a tiny private college that didn't exactly have tons of literature offerings for an English major, I somehow managed to avoid Victorian Lit and Medieval Lit. Did everything I could to make sure I didn't take those courses. Second example: quitting clarinet when we got to the high notes. I had played the instrument in upper elementary school and it was pretty easy (also part of the reason I chose the clarinet: rumors of its easiness). Once middle school hit and we had to play the high notes, bam, I was out the door.

I am taking a Research Methods class now and avoidance is not a possibility. Honestly though, the whole talk of significant research, p values, t tests, and standard deviations. It makes no sense to me. I feel like an absolute idiot. It's incredibly frustrating....because...damn... I can't quit the class. Well.. I could but...

Another thing is my lack of financial knowledge. I know credit cards screw you but I simply pay the whole bill each month and avoid the whole "screwing" issue. But I don't know a thing about APR, interest, etc. Now it's time for us to do income taxes and I'd like to try them on my own (usually pay an accountant for an income tax return that people tell me is simple) but am afraid I will mess it up.

Yes... now indeed that would be hilarious. The IRS coming to arrest the teacher and retail manager in their meager one bedroom apartment.

Pseudo Genetics

When I look at my wedding photos, I see a strong resemblance between my mother and me. I definitely have her eyes. My smile looks exactly like her smile when she was my age-- cheeks slightly protruding, eyes crinkling, and mouth widely smiling.

Some people in my family have said I resemble my father. I don't really see it. I definitely have his hair --- thick --- it takes an eternity to dry. Other than that, I don't see any resemblances.

It saddens me. If I looked like him, I could feel that there was a part of him within me -- basically every time I looked in the mirror.

Although I didn't know my father too long before he passed away, there's certain personality/ non-genetic traits of his that I like to think I somehow "inherited."

My mom talks about how my dad used to go to garage sales and flea markets all the time. When he passed away, apparently the basement was filled with "junk"-- my mother's words, not mine.

Somehow I think the concept of someone's "trash" being another's "treasure" has been passed down to me. I love going to garage sales, flea markets, and thrift shops. While some people consider buying things from those places as buying "used" stuff, I think it's almost a sharing experience. Case in point: I love buying a used book and seeing the lines that someone else highlighted, or the notes that were written in the margin. Sometimes when I see the highlighted lines, I ask, "Why? What's so important" and...

sometimes...even better... I say, "Yeah, I'd highlight that too."

Getting back

I have to start writing again.

When I first started teaching, I recall someone asking me if I was still writing. My response was something along the lines of, “By the end of the day, my students have sucked any and all creativity out of me.” I might have even compared them to leeches.

Cowardly, I know. Like Hemingway ever said, “I’m an alcoholic and can’t write today.” Or Fitzgerald said, “Zelda is going mad again and I just don’t have it in my to write.”

Rather, they used the writing to make structure [I think] of some sort in their lives. To guide them along.

Fast forward to 7 years later. . . I have to start writing again. I’ve often thought of waking up earlier in the morning, maybe writing from 5:30 to 6. I know this is not a reality. I am definitely not a morning person. But I have to do something to start bringing those things I love(d) back into my life. It’s amazing how our days can pass by… sure, we’ve “done things.” We’ve gone to work, done laundry, cleaned house, gone food shopping, maybe bought a new picture or two to hang up. But I think about it like this—if I died today and those activities were the “basics” of my daily life, …well… it’d be a pretty boring obituary to read.

Jessie Spano is my hero...

I feel like I am [slightly] out of that famous episode of Saved by the Bell...where Jessie, Lisa, and Kelly are in the leotard-wearing-girl group. Because Jessie is feeling pressure from applying to colleges and being in the girl group, she begins abusing caffeine pills.

Story of my life:)

I, for the life of me, can't get into drinking coffee. For me to like it, I'd have to put so much sugar and milk in it that the caloric intake would equal my whole breakfast. I've gotten into chai teas but those are filled with sugar too. Hot chocolate just seems lame, in terms of getting a morning "fix." So...each morning, I take a caffeine tablet. I've taken the famed Vivrin brand before, but in recent months have not been opposed to "Jet Alert" (96 tablets for under 3 bucks- amazing) or "Awake" (Walgreens "house" brand). Funny though. I think I have gotten to the point where the tablet does not affect my energy level. I'm just so used to taking the pill...that I take it.

Tonight, I went to the gym around 8:30. KNEW it was a bad idea. Whenever I go to the gym at "night night" hours, I can't fall asleep. You'd think getting all your energy out would make it so you could easily sleep when you get home. Instead---it has the opposite effect on me.

So...it's 11:35 and I am discussing my lame dependency on caffeine tablets. Now that I am wide awake, I might rummage through the three-drawer organizer in the bathroom and pop a sleep-time tablet... Shop Rite house brand. These economic times are tough.

On the + side--- got a personal best on my mile run....jog....um... whatever "moderate" verb you want to use. 9 minutes, 46 seconds. Dont know how that compares to the rest of the universe but my fat ass could not run the mile in younger years....so to have a "PB" is pretty awesome.

The Faithless

There must be this idea that if you live in an apartment complex, you must lack faith. I guess that argument might be valid in connection to "domestic partners" who (as my Aunt Tina says ) "live in sin" and do not get married or are not already married before moving in together.

I can only recall being visited by Jehovah's Witnesses ONCE during my time of residing in a house (21 years).

At the apartment complex, Jehovah's Witnesses come around a few times a year. It always is after a big holiday too. The morning after Thanksgiving or a few days after New Year's. It's like they're thinking, "You've had your holiday fun, your gluttony--now it's time to find God" ...or Jehovah, I guess.

Today, we had another milestone in attempts at making us full of faith. A postcard was wedged in the windowpane. One the front side, there was a glossy picture of a tub of popcorn and it read "Pop in January 4th." It immediately made you think that the movie theatre nearby was doing some type of promotion or double feature...something. The other side of the card detailed a church (Realife Church) that is coming to our area. You can join in on church services on Sunday mornings...at the movie theatre! How weird is that? I thought having one of those revival churches in a shopping plaza next to a Weight Watchers center was weird enough, but in a movie theatre?

I said to John, "It must be Born Again." He said, "Yeah, I guess it's non denominational." In my mind, Born Again is a denomination---crazy. I can say this from first hand experience too. I actually did once go to a Born Again service---not by choice. My mother was led to the front of the church and the preacher put a hand on her head and said something along the lines of, "Heal this child." I could not make this stuff up.

Well...if I ever am bored on a Sunday morning, it's nice to know there's a place I could go to. The postcard advertises "contemporary live music" and "FREE refreshments."

Resolutions

Well, People magazine proclaimed on a recent cover that Oprah has hit 200 pounds and that she says, "I'm Embarrassed!" Am guessing her New Year's resolution, like the rest of the earth, (America, at least) is to lose weight.

I understand the whole idea of a new year and making resolutions. I just never know what to have for my resolution. I don't think I'd really say losing weight for this. Instead, I just want to continue CONSISTENTLY following the healthy habits I have learned.

One year my resolution was to make better eye contact with people---retarded:)

I guess a resolution could be to clean the apartment more and keep it tidy, but again, that seems like a lame resolution.

I guess in my mind a resolution is supposed to be something so monumental that it will really change a big part of you and, ultimately, make you a better person.

In that case, I guess I could be more assertive with people. That's something I am not the best with being. Then, "after the fact," I will think of clever comebacks or intelligent statements that I should have said to the person who was confronting me/bothering me/ etc.

But that resolution seems difficult to complete. But I guess that's the point.

Is a burger and fries supposed to make you feel like garbage?

When Supersize Me came out a few years ago, I was so grossed out by the film that I did not eat McDonald's, Burger King, etc for four years. I can't say I didn't eat any fast food because I consider the crap that chains like Applebees serve to be fast food...but I stayed away from the burge/fries fast food chains.

About a year ago, after a night of sibling bonding and drinking, my sister convinced me to stop for a 2am snack of McDonald's. At 2am, after drinking at bars, that food was delicious.

I think I am on a path to self-destruction...or was. Ever since the wedding, I have been eating whatever I want...in LARGE competitive-eater portions. Friday night I said to myself, "I'm having McDonalds for dinner and then that's." My goal is to get off all of the post-wedding/honeymoon weight. It's only 5 pounds or so but it seriously makes a big difference. I feel blobbish.

Tonight... I went to McDonald's again. And I reverted to a habit I used to have in high school--I went through the drive thru to get the food and then, like an ashamed glutton, I ate the food in the parking lot.

So...tomorrow is Sunday...start of the new week, according to conventional calanderists. I am starting fresh with my eating habits. It pisses me off that food can have this much of a hold on me. I mean...even looking back at blog entries...about 1/4 of them are about food/"dieting."I try to stay away from self-deprecating, woe-is-me comments....

Aiming to get back on track....hopefully...

The Good, The Bad...maybe I'm too melodramatic.

Lately, things have been a back and forth see saw between good and bad. Granted, my "bad" is nothing tragic. No one has died or come down with a terminal illness. No tragedies nearby. But still, things have been a bit chaotic.

The Good:
**People at work tell me I am "glowing" and will make a lovely bride.
**My wedding dress fits well and I think it is hilarious they have to stuff the top part to help "fill me out."
**I am doing well with eating better and am down to 151 pounds:)
**I fit into a size 10 pair of jeans. :-)
**It's fall--crisp air and apple picking time.
**Went to the Dodge Poetry Festival and discovered some poets I hadn't heard of before. Luke Warm Water...a Native American poet. Had a poem about some girl asking him to come to San Diego. During one of the lines, he describes her as having "acres of ass." That line is awesome.
**Went to the New Kids on the Block, um... NKOTB...concert on Tuesday night. The fact that in 2008, I can be brought back to feeling like I was in 1988 is simply amazing. And...Jordan is still hot. :)

The Bad:
**Work kind of sucks. The new "Writing" class is shitty to teach and the kids don't seem to like it. I have one particular class that has children that were obviously conceived in hell. That's mean, right? Well...they're just a horrible class.
**I lost 4 pounds last week but I think it was only because, daily, I would leave work feeling like I had to vomit and, thus, didn't end up really wanting to eat food for the remainder of the day. I owe the nausea to that hell-class.
**It's rained like crazy for the past two Fridays. I am worried it will rain on our wedding day. We're getting married inside the reception venue and all but still...clear skies would be pleasant.
**I have 150 "writing journals" at work that I have to grade. In about one week, I will have 150 essays to grade. I did the math and even if i only spend 5 minutes per grading task, to grade 150 it will take 750 minutes. That's depressing. Why couldn't I teach math?
**Our apartment is a literal pigsty. I feel like taking a trash can and tossing everything out. Ex: Do I really need a March 2002 issue of Details magazine with Ethan Hawke on the cover? Apparently, yes.
**The bastard cat scratched my face today. It was unintentional but it still hurt quite a bit.

Muse

Sometimes (often times), someone else's words will "do the trick." Stumbled across this poem by William Stafford. I want to be someone's muse!

When I Met My Muse

I glanced at her and took my glasses
off--they were still singing. They buzzed
like a locust on the coffee table and then
ceased. Her voice belled forth, and the
sunlight bent. I felt the ceiling arch, and
knew that nails up there took a new grip
on whatever they touched. "I am your own
way of looking at things," she said. "When
you allow me to live with you, every
glance at the world around you will be
a sort of salvation." And I took her hand.

William Stafford

Reunion

Recently, I've been getting emails about my class reunion. No biggie---it was just an idea that was "up in the air." I didn't think it would ever come to fruition.

Today, I got an Evite for the reunion. Was hoping that it would be around the wedding or honeymoon and that I would have a legit excuse [for myself] to not go. However, it is at a convenient time which I could attend. I have mixed emotions.

Even though high school was fun and there was little responsibility, when I think of those years in detail, I actually realize that I detested them. I had really bad skin and was overweight; this made me incredibly insecure and shy. I was incredibly focused on academics and was very anxiety-ridden. That has since changed, thank goodness. Most of all, most of the people I came into contact with at my high school were asses.

So the thought of paying $ to spend an evening with them at a shit bar [classy, eh?], just does not sit well with me. Sure, I could go to the reunion and show how much better I am now---secure with myself, confident, blah blah blah. But why give those people that pleasure? Why should I care what they think?

Still--part of me thinks that if I don't show up, people will think I am some kind of loser and have no life, or that I am embarrassed at what I have made of myself.

Again, I really shouldn't care what they think. But I think this is a constant struggle we all feel---- that we say we "don't care" what others think---- but in many ways, we do. We wouldn't be human if we didn't care what others thought and didn't want to seek their validation.

On a positive note, I saw a brief glimpse of this "special" on Debbie Gibson. It made me think we should definitely play "Lost In Your Eyes" during the dinner hour at the wedding. Rock on.

My Own Personal Flea Market

The inside of our apartment has turned into an "upscale" flea market of sorts. People have been sending wedding gifts and the giant Bed Bath and Beyond boxes are all over the place. I don't understand why a gigantic box is needed for a picture frame. People are idiots too. I know John's family is throwing me a shower--a "surprise" shower. Someone recently gave John a gift for us and the card was entitled "For Your Wedding Shower" and was dated 9/6/08. I'm so annoyed. I love surprises --mainly because I am near impossible to surprise. Lisa said, "No, no, that person is wrong. That's not the date!" but I think she was just trying to be sweet.

But all these wedding gifts just seem so silly. I don't "get" the need for pre-wedding gifts. I'm not complaining, but it just seems a bit much. Most of the gifts have been Michelle picks, which irritates John to no end: picture frames, tea kettles, toasting flutes, etc.

Besides the wedding, the schoolyear is beginning soon. I am going to miss my afternoons of leisure...mainly sitting on my ass, reading for a bit, watching a movie or two, doing some small shopping, driving aimlessly, etc.

The past few nights though, I've already felt fragments of autumn in the air---my favorite time of the year. My blood pressure is low as it is but once autumn arrives, it's like all heart palpitations leave my body. I am incredibly relaxed and mellow. Can't wait.

Teacher Clones

Ok, yes, I think that I have a job that's worthy of respect... I think I am "attempting" to lead the minds of tomorrow down the right paths today...yadda yadda yadda....

But I can't help but notice that so many fellow teachers are incredibly irritating.

I went out to lunch with some teachers last week. They all [seriously] had Coach purses with them (or Nine West for the subtler ones). They all had this silverish watch on. I don't know what it is called or what brand it is because I just look at my cell phone. Before the time of me carrying a cell phone, I'd politely go up to strangers and ask what time it was. I've never been a watch person. They all talk about their condos or townhouses. And then the rings... it's like every teacher I know in the age bracket from 25-30 has an engagement ring on her finger. And all the rings look similar... band of diamonds...and this one diamond jutting out in the middle.

I know I shouldn't waste my time looking [or writing...or thinking!] about other people. But... I don't know...I feel so different from so many of them. But I somehow do not think that makes me the odd one out. I think they are the odd ones.

I know we go on and on about materialism and consumption, but it just seems to be so true and evident. And it annoys me that I see so many people in my profession with those same kinds of beliefs. Don't get me wrong. I buy stuff... there's things I want. But I feel like "myself" most of the time, like me. I don't look around and feel like I am everyone else.

And this is NOT to say that I think I am unique or original. But surely, these girls who I lunched with cannot be THAT similar. It's just bizarre, that's all.

But I think that when you have "educators" acting like they're part of some clone wars experiment, people do lose respect for them.

Like some weird version of Professional Stepford Wives.